She is forty today, standing in the kitchen of her house, on her own. “Happy birthday me” she says quietly to herself while making the first cup of coffee of the day. She moves through to the living room, a mess as usual, and sits down on her sofa. What will she do today? Nothing, just like every Saturday she will sit on her sofa, laptop on knee and dream of distant lands and places she should have gone before now.
Ok so Multi-Map where will I go today? Let’s search USA. Ok which state? California sounds good. New search leads to California information, known as a Golden state, famous for its glorious beaches and sunshine, she is mesmerised sitting looking at the pictures on screen. If she were there where would Lucy go? Yosemite National Park, with visions of wildlife, outdoors, waterfalls, breathtaking views, she is there, she closes her eyes and away she goes.
Smelling the fresh air is wonderful, all alone walking through the towering forests, it seems to be getting darker, she starts to feel uneasy, lost, scared, running out of the forest. Looking over there, the waterfalls so full of energy, walking closer she can feel the energy, closer still and now a little spray on her cheek. A man, looking slightly confused, approaches her. “Have we met before?” she says to this tall stranger, his response is “yes you come here a lot, my name is Ralf, what’s yours?” Lucy, laughs, and replies “I wish I could stay here forever” relaxed and calm she opens her eyes.
The door opens and in run two bouncing little boys. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM!!!” they shout with excitement and joy. She cuddles them, holding them close like the very first time. Looking up at the door, there he is the tall stranger, “Happy birthday Lucy! The boys did really well at football this morning – you really should come along one Saturday!”
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Written by Asferthecat (834 comments posted) 12th January 2008 |
A lovely story and beautifully written. It captures the pros and cons of having a family, poetically, and in few words. Well done |
Written by Karenhoffen (37 comments posted) 13th January 2008 |
This is an intriguing story which I would have liked to have seen developed more. There were unanswered questions for me: Why does Lucy always stay in every Saturday? Why does she not accompany her family to the football? Why is she trapped in her home? Does Lucy have agoraphobia? There is almost a hint of that, or am I reading too much into this. I think you have a great outline for a much more involved piece of writing.
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Written by wlh (18 comments posted) 13th January 2008 |
The one thing I will suggest improvement on is your punctuation. For example: ' “Have we met before?” she says to this tall stranger, his response is “yes you come here a lot, my name is Ralf, what’s yours?”' This would be better written like this: ' "Have we met before?" she says to this tall stranger. His response is: 'Yes you come here a lot. My name is Ralf, what's yours?" ' However I think that the plot is intriguing and that it would definitely be worthwhile to continue the story. |
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