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By punchy
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14 January 2008 |
Never written anything other than poetry before , not even written a diary or letter so please don't take the p.. as it's a bit heavy and dark.
Life's long tapestry sounds so beautiful but when you stand back and look at the whole picture you start to question its beauty.
The beginning- Birth, all messy and painful ,creating fear and worry for all involved.
Nurturing-
The uncomfortable closeness of a mothers breast when your inner senses
know that this is the very woman who could wreck your being and break
the solid parts of human nature from you, and therefore unravel the
tapestry of others around you or merely deface them.
Weaning-That
painful separation that is mirrored so many times in our lives. The
food we are given to maintain us becomes the very temptation we face as
an adult when we are torn between comfort and physicality.
Although
small we have developed into a willful being that experiences
greed,anger, frustration and pain. But the most destructive and
unbreakable need is dependence for we cannot choose who we depend on
and who will depend on us.It will force up barriers all through our
life, barriers against freedom, Independence and finding our true
selves.
First steps- Often tentative for we now face choices, which
direction do we take and where will it lead us. some are simple or
instinctive but others are unbearable to face and we often let others
make those choices for us out of fear of regret.
And so the journey begins as we start weaving our own, unaware of what each thread will bring and praying that ours will not unravel behind us, as we step forward into the unknown.
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Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 14th January 2008 | Odd piece this, Punchy. As individual points - I don't necessarily disagree - but as a world view - taken together, each idea seems to add despair on despair. Perhaps it's supposed too. And yet there is hope in the final paragraph.
Perhaps - and it's just an idea - each paragraph could be a little more developed and lin to the next in a clearer way.
I'm with you, life isn't all champagne and roses - but I'm not sure this expresses that so well. Unlike much poetry, prose allows you to expand and explore ideas using examples etc.
Good to see you try something else.
Phil |
Written by Karenhoffen (37 comments posted) 20th January 2008 | Punchy
I think you expressed very clearly how critical the early years are in terms of the development of a child. So much can go wrong and the level of dependence is extreme.
I would have like to have seen the piece laid out a bit more e.g. clearer paragraphs, less use of hyphens. I think that would have made it much more readable.
I would also liked to see where you were going with the piece. The tapestry image is not original but a good one. Here you have a blank canvas; an early mistake can send the whole work awry. It may not be apparent until much of the work is done that this mistake has been made. So I think you could have made more of this.
Overall I think this piece has great potential and I liked the way you drew forth the grim reality of life.
Karenhoffen | Dark indeed
Written by TomOBrien (68 comments posted) 5th February 2008 | I'm not much for poetry so my critique might not count but, jeez Louise this is heavy. What is up with, "the very woman who could wreck your being and break the solid parts of human nature from you, and therefore unravel the tapestry of others around you or merely deface them." ?
Were you abandon at birth or something?
I agree with Phil about the despair. I'd throw in hopelessness as well.
I don’t understand what writing something like this is suppose to do for the reader. There’s already enough despair and hopelessness in the world. Is this more for the writer than the reader? A release of sorts?
Anyway, smile. People will wonder what you’re up to. 
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Written by nsperfect71 (44 comments posted) 3rd April 2008 | There's a verse in the Quran that goes something like 'Man will suffer. It is how life is'. will.
I suppose we all look at things this way from time to time - especially when depressed. Were you?
Watching at my 10 month old baby now, just beginning to bottom-shuffle and become seriously mobile, I can go even further than you've gone and say that the sad thing about it is that 'Man' does not know he will suffer. He (judging by my baby), does think it will all be champagne and roses! That's even more tragic, I suppose.
It's definitely thought-provoking. I agree each idea could be stretched out a bit. The ideas your piece contains are certainly deep enough.
I stumbled upon this while going through your profile. I was glad you're experimenting with soemthing different than poetry - which you're great at.knowdoes |
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