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Shorts
In the Quiet
By Carly
19 January 2008

She stands alone on the beach.  She sighs, “Its quiet here” mumbling to herself.  The breeze is blowing through her long golden hair and her flowing dress, giving her shivers down her spine. She wiggles her toes, feeling every grain of sand under her feet, making sure it’s real.  Looking at the spectacular moon reflecting on the water and the ripples from the breeze, she is calm.

 

 Sarah loves to be next to water, it started years ago when her grandmother used to take her every year to the sea side on day trips.  She spent a lot of time with her grandparents before they died and has deep felt regrets as are not around especially now, today.

 

This is a special evening for Sarah.  The attention of today is giving a great feeling of being overwhelmed.  “It’s nice to have a bit of quiet.” She says.  In the background, there is a faint sound of a jazz band playing, some muffled chatter and shadows on the beach of people gliding around the dance floor, it is faraway.

 

Now really thinking about today, it has gone by so quickly. She tries to grasp every detail, her minds gone blank.  “I am not really sure what happened today”.  She says in a quick, unsure spat.  “Did this really happen to me today?”  She says.  “Or did it happen to someone else?” Confused, fraught and on her own, she tries to calm herself down.  “Breath in, breath out, calm Sarah, let it go” She thought she was scaring herself for a moment, and what for?  Why did she have cause to be scared?

 

She is now reflecting on her weakness, being scared of the future.  The future had always been on Sarah’s mind.  When she was a child, she often questioned “Why are we here?”  She often wondered to, what part she played in the grand master plan of life.  This stopped her from wanting to settle down, she always moved around.  The sea always made her feel free.  Water is always flowing and she felt a lot like water.  Sarah was never alone, and never needed anyone.  Everywhere she went she made many friend and contacts, due to her bubbly, outgoing and caring personality

 

“There you are Sarah darling” cried a distant voice from behind her.  She turned her petite body around to look.  “I was looking for you everywhere.  What are you doing out here alone?”  “I am just looking at the water, you know how I love being next to the water dad.”  Her dad smiling widely, “Come on young lady, your husband is waiting for you.  It’s time for you both to cut the wedding cake.”

Reviews

Written by Fledermaus (3470 comments posted) 19th January 2008
Hm. although I like the content, there is something with the form that makes this a bit awkward. Firstly the present tense, which seems to demand a lot more from a writer and secondly the repetitiveness in sentence structure. It might just be a matter of different tastes, but for instance: 
 
"She stands alone on the beach. She sighs, “Its quiet here” mumbling to herself." 
 
Would perhaps read smoother as: 
 
" She stands alone on the beach and sighs. “Its quiet here”, she mumbles to herself." 
 
Short, simple sentences are usually very good for conveying information, and usually writers under-use rather than over-use them, but here you could have done with a little more variety and longer sentences. 
 
I also wondered about the girl's age for some time, first thinking her a young woman, then a little girl and then a young woman again. 
 
Hope this isn't too critical, for I did like the content and the story you were telling :)
Hey Fledermaus
Written by Carly (9 comments posted) 19th January 2008
I do agree, I feel sometimes with my short stories, I should re-evaluate the form alot more. They are also not as detailed as I would like, and I should expand in the detail sometimes. Thanks for your comments!!! :)
In The Quiet
Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 19th January 2008
Carly, 
I think you did great with the unexpected ending. I also like the scene of the sand under her feet, and the girl enjoying the water.  
 
I think if you took the time to read your work out loud, you might notice where it needs work. 
 
Very nice story. Just needs some polishing.  
:cry

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