On another site, we needed to write a story concerning an image on display. It was a horrific picture which caused me to produce this. Not for the faint hearted. Beware! Let me know what you think. Good constructive criticism would be nice. LOL
Hunched over the kitchen table, everyone sat following a hard day at work. I ladled out each one a bowl of soup for starters.
The day seemed quite ordinary up until now. The usual hectic and busy schedule of keeping up the housework, and cooking for seven people, including babysitting my baby grand-daughter was just the run of the mill.
Then all of a sudden, it seemed like time stood still for a minute or two. I held the soup-ladle in my hand. Not one member discerned a thing, but I know time stopped at our house, or the family would have detected something out of the ordinary.
I know I wasn't physically transported, but my mind or spirit left this world briefly. If it had happened during the night hours, I would have thought it had been just a dream, but because it occurred at the kitchen table, I knew this happening was for real.
I remember the smoke smell. Not a burning field stubble smell, but a horrible burning flesh stench. The place, hazy and murky, disturbed me. Hands lifted to me with groans and moans.
Voices cried, "Help me. Please, he...lp me." I seemed to amble through different levels or stages. The wailing sounded like a place of insanity. The plea for help sounded unrelenting. I didn't see any children in this place. It didn't take long for me to realize where I landed. This was the place of everlasting torment. I didn't know why the souls called to me. There wasn't anything I could do to help them. Their appearance exhibited nearly all the same; souls with grayish, scorched bodies, thin as poles and almost skinless. Their voices were sadly agonizing to hear. I felt the anguish of this place. I thirsted. I prayed. God, can you help these poor, lost souls?
Then, suddenly I returned. It seemed so odd. Nobody noticed my absence. Nobody noticed my demeanor. I kept it to myself the best way I could. I shook a little, but I managed to keep myself under control. I knew if I spoke of the vision I had, my family would have driven me to the mental institution. So I held it all in reserve.
I prayed while I did the dishes. The vision didn't leave me that easily. It remained with me to haunt me. I, by some means, knew why the vision occurred. It was because I needed to pray for souls before their time on earth was over. It was my work on earth. Warn people of eternal damnation.
Once in bed, I had a hard time to fall asleep. I imagined demons in my room. They were exactly like one movie displayed. I wondered how those directors actually knew how demons looked like. They aren't big. They are small, kind of dwarf-like. Maybe a bit bigger. They are sly. Sneaky. Liars. They tell people not to worry about eternity because God is Love. He wouldn't allow His people to go to such a place as this. They whisper lies insinuating there is no such thing as God, heaven or hell. They know we don't want to think of the next life, and that judgment is at hand.
The world today is too smart to believe such things. Too educated. Too rich. Who needs God anyway? It's an old fashioned idea. I could cry when I think of the excuses we think up causing us to not take the spiritual realm seriously.
I fell asleep finally.
A couple of hours later, I awoke needing to use the washroom. I sauntered into the hallway which leads to the washroom completely forgetting the earlier incident.
Suddenly, the sight before me made me nearly drop to my knees. There, near the end of the hallway, appeared the image of the ugliest, demonic realm ever possible to imagine. I saw an arm, other body parts, strange heads and features spread and floating within a ball of flame. I again heard the moaning and groaning. Weird laughter danced my way, and an arm flung out at me as if to snatch me into that world. I tried to scream, but my voice went mute.
The business of this dominion was to enroll me. Their faces wretched, their forms contorted, their eyes dim and shadowy.
I prayed, and as soon as I mentioned the name, Jesus, the demonic realm disappeared. To this day, I pray I will never have to face this evil realm again.
|
Hmmm... Written by D-J-M (14 comments posted) 20th January 2008 | I think that this was a good all-round story, I felt that too much happens in so short a story, it all happens so fast to me. I personally felt the storyline was...too simple, and there is a sense of..."What just happened?" when you finish it, again, refer to my criticism of its length. The whole Jesus thing, it's not too popular a subject within most stories...I think that it would have been better to not use the words "God" and "Jesus", rather symbolise them as something else, so as to draw people in, when most people read and see "God / Jesus" they're like; "UGH...Religion." Not that I have anything against it, I myself come from a heavily christian-based background. All in all, there is potential in this story, I felt it could have gone further than it actually did. Just my opinion | Written by Asferthecat (789 comments posted) 20th January 2008 | An interesting story. I assume it was about a woman on the edge of madness, rather than a promotion of mediaeval Christianity. Perhaps there should be a few more clues that she is going mad - certainly her family's inclination to send her to a mental home is a pointer. On the style side, try to keep the subject and the verb together to help clarity eg "Hunched over the kitchen table, everyone sat following a hard day at work." would read better as "Everyone sat hunched over the kitchen table, after a hard day at work."
| Written by Fledermaus (3159 comments posted) 20th January 2008 | Very good indeed. A bit fast and short, but a good read. I liked the reaction of your narrator to the suffering of the damned souls and the idea that just trusting in God alone isn't enough. Currently I became interested in a specific goddess/saint of another religion, and according to one myth, she felt sorry for an executioner who was ordered to kill her and she took his sins upon her. Because these sins were many, she descended into hell and she saw how the condemned souls were suffering. Thereupon she released so much goodness that they were set free and the king of hell sent her away, because he was afraid hell would soon be empty Liked this story a lot. | Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 20th January 2008 | The basic idea is an intriguing one, though not unusual. Normality is suspended and something strange occurs. (Keith Roberts' "Pavane" has a bravura performance on this theme in the chapter about Margaret Strange at the bedside of a dying relative. Excellent writing, well worth a read - and I don't often say that about Sci Fi.) This could be stronger if you gave a little more background of what is normal for this character before you moved into the strangeness. Set the scene for us. It's OK to dive into the action if it informs us at the same time. I would like to know: Is it a Christian household, or is she the only believer? Does she have any background of strange behaviour? We need to know a bit more about her before we can go into the story with her. On that point, this is a bit short on actual story: the narrator has a vision of Hell, for no particular reason; she prays and it goes away. You have a habit of watering down / overdoing what you are writing - a feminine characteristic I have to watch for in my own stuff, which is why I'm perhaps (oops, there I go again) sensitive to it. Examples: Then all of a sudden, it seemed like time stood still for a minute or two (If time stood still, how do you know how long it was for?) I know I wasn't physically transported, ... I knew this happening was for real. (This paragraph is only there because you haven't set the scene at the beginning.) I seemed to amble through different levels or stages. I, by some means, knew why the vision occurred. There are others that I'll spare you. You just go and look with fresh eyes. | Walk With Me Written by beatricelouise (202 comments posted) 20th January 2008 | I just want to thank you all for your wonderful reviews. I am learning even though I've been writing for years. Still a lot to learn, Fellpony, your review has given me some genuine things to think of. Setting the scene is my big problem, and so I will try to work on that particular problem. Thanks everyone for the encouragement which is so necessary for the writer, but also a good , sound critique which without we cannot learn. | Written by Phil (6387 comments posted) 20th January 2008 | Hi Bea. Someone above mentioned verbs and subjects. You do need to look at verb use in quite a few places to tidy this up. Fellpony mentioned setting the scene to avoid a few other problems - she has a good point. Questions you might use which may help: what does the reader need to know? How will I show him/her? If you do look at this with fresh eyes - view from the perspective of a reader. 'Urg - religion.' In a way yes. I don't have a problem with stories that contain religious aspects - it's an important aspect of life in one way or another. At certain points this piece seemed to be evangelising - that is a bit of a turn off. Phil | Written by bluecity (310 comments posted) 31st January 2008 | Well, I was curious to see what you write, BeatriceLouise, and I must say I was impressed. You've got some very helpful reviews and I don't have much else to add, except that you write, with great intuition, about your faith. Carry on doing it! You must not be fazed by people who write "Religion? Ugh!" By the way, thank you for your comments about "Frances Goes North For West". I have to tell you, though, that is the only story set in Victorian times which I have written. I normally write stories set much, much later. Rosemary | Written by bluecity (310 comments posted) 31st January 2008 | Well, I was curious to see what you write, BeatriceLouise, and I must say I was impressed. You've got some very helpful reviews and I don't have much else to add, except that you write, with great intuition, about your faith. Carry on doing it! You must not be fazed by people who write "Religion? Ugh!" By the way, thank you for your comments about "Frances Goes North For West". I have to tell you, though, that is the only story set in Victorian times which I have written. I normally write stories set much, much later. Rosemary | Hi Beatrice Written by jean.day (2196 comments posted) 16th March 2008 | Well, you have had so many reviews with helpful suggestions already, it is hard to think of anything new to add. However, I must say that I liked your idea that when she prayed, the devils were dealt with. And that she thought it was incombent upon her to pray, to help people avoid the problems of hell - or the suffering which you described. There was one bit that confused me. When you talked about the first vision - you talked about being thirsty. I thought it was the visioner talking. Was she actually taking on the sufferings of those she was seeing? I, too, thought it was too long for a short story, but I liked the general way it ran, and enjoyed reading it, even though it was pretty grusome at times. |
Only registered users can rate and write comments. Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |