She leans forward, her lips pursed for a kiss. The glittery dress had a low neckline, with the thin cloth only just covering her nipples, revealing the pale curves.
She spread her legs to let the flap of her dress fall between her thighs. The name of the club was written upon it in golden calligraphy, two dragons crawling around it.
The balls of her feet firmly on the ground, she pressed a finger against her lips. Around her the light flashed and blinded her for an instant.
" All wrong!", he cried and gestured to the silken folds beneath her. The skinny girl with the large eyes knelt down at her feet and began to rearrange the shiny cloth. She looked up at the model with this frightened gaze. She resisted the urge to smile back and lay a comforting hand on her shoulder. It was not her business.
The photographer gestured at her lap and she felt the girl's hands plucking the silk around her loins. They weren't manicured and tender like her own, they were worker's hands, strong and raw. Hands that made her proud of her own delicate fingers, but meanwhile made her wonder about the power in the girl's. Would her grip be more forceful than a man's?
The lights flashed again and the photographer grumbled another order. She crossed her legs and tossed her hair over her shoulder.
" More seductive."
She blinked and smiled her loveliest smile.
" I did not say cute. I said seductive. Be horny."
She swallowed and took a deep breath, thought of the money. Money... It was what the world revolved around, it was all that mattered. How much more would she need?
" You look so pretty in that dress."
If only they could read what the words said or knew how she posed in it. They never complained, but she knew they expected more from a girl wearing such expensive clothes. Surely she was rich, wasn't she? She had her own driver and a swimming pool. She was successful... Did she dare to tell them otherwise? Let them dream. There was no need to tell them where the money really came from or that what she sent them was nearly all she earned.
She wondered about the girl with the strong hands. Where did she come from and what other jobs did she have? Good looks were capital, just like powerful fingers. What did those hands do at night?
" All right, we're done. You can change."
" Can you make one more picture? To send home?"
He sighed and nodded. She took a more decent pose, made sure the jewellery reflected the flashlight and that the characters were hidden from view.
--
She knelt down before the statue and kowtowed three times. Smoke curled upwards from the sacrificial vessels and filled the air with its sweet smell.
The model looked up at the statue and felt like a child clinging to the skirts of her mother again. The goddess smiled at her and seemed ready to bow forward and stroke her hair, to embrace her and allow her to lay her head against her chest. The goddess told her that all would be right. She had seen all sins and suffering.
The goddess knew, but did not condemn.
|
...Odd Written by D-J-M (14 comments posted) 20th January 2008 |
I'm not entirely sure what to think of this, the transition in particular seems disjointed and trails off from what I feel is the story...It's good in small places though And a little bit of open-ended mystery isn't too bad! |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 20th January 2008 |
Thanks DJM. A bit too abrupt I presume? And I guess the language is a bit quirky here and there. Sometimes there are those days... Recently I mainly let stories write themselves, without much of an idea in advance. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Thanks for reading :-) |
Your Welcome! Written by D-J-M (14 comments posted) 20th January 2008 |
Personally I prefered the second bit, I found it intriguing and wanted more! I'd like to see more of that dark and mysterious side of your writing! |
HI Fledermaus Written by jean.day (2326 comments posted) 20th January 2008 |
This sort of proves your question of before. This story written in this way, could only be written by a man. But it is a good story, but confusing in that I wasn't sure which of the two girls was speaking at times. But I think it is worth doing a bit more with it. |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 20th January 2008 |
Hi Jean, I tried to reread it with your comment in mind. What is it that makes this a 'masculine' piece? The emphasis on the physical and material? The style? Her thoughts? As for the characters: It's mainly the photographer that speaks. "You look so pretty in that dress" was meant as something not really spoken aloud. I might want try this again, for if this seems a typically 'masculine' piece, the character must lack depth... |
The Model Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 20th January 2008 |
I read it three times before I got the jest of the story. The ending kind of throws me off. The goddess. Is this a ritual with her? In a short story, it seems to appear out of nowhere. I feel for the model. She envies the girl with the unmanicured hands. She wonders whether what she does is worth the kind of work she has to do. I don't really think it is so masculine. There is heart in this piece. If you want to display dialogue as a thought, you could italize it. Just a thought! |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 21st January 2008 |
Thanks Beatricelouise. I think I should write this again. Firstly to give it a more feminine voice, secondly to make it clearer what I intended. I hoped to write her as someone who isn't exactly happy with her work, ashamed even, but meanwhile lies to her poor family in the countryside about being rich and having a decent job. Where her thoughts about the other girl are concerned I'm not sure myself. The goddess was there as the only one who understood and accepted her and to contrast her earthly job with piety. Didn't all work out so well it seems, considering the comments. I'll have to write another version, so it seems. |
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 21st January 2008 |
| Well, I must be different, for I liked your story Fledermaus and I got the gist easily. You were in the head of the girl weren't you? I rather think the godess was in her head too. As a Christian I believe that God knows me well, especially what I am feeling, and I think she felt that also. Her God was a woman (why not?) She knew exactly that the girl had to earn a living and in a way in which she was not really happy. We all have to do things we don't like to reach our goals. The only thing I would take out would be the actual "statue" and the kowtowing. The Godess should be part of her being, inside herself I think - perhaps a part of her conscience. |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 21st January 2008 |
Thanks Josie. I tried to feel what she felt. Yet somehow these last two days things didn't work out exactly as I wanted them. Perhaps a bit of a hangover after I wrote a piece that everyone seemed to like. It's hard to do that trick twice. I think the special thing about this goddess I had in mind is that she is the goddess of compassion and mercy. According to the myths around her, she (in the incarnation of a princess) suffered incredibly much and sacrificed herself several times. Yet unlike most statues of Jesus, who is often depicted suffering, she is usually shown with this enormous calm over her, a bit like the Virgin Mary... |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 21st January 2008 |
Actually, in a way, you have pulled off the same trick twice. This is well written. It may lack a little in narrative drive - but that doesn't matter, it's more about character. What might strengthen it would be a little more of her character - especially revealed in relation to the photograher and his assistant. I liked this a lot. It just felt a little rushed here and there - particularly th eending which happens along a little abruptly. Sometimes taking an idea and letting it run produces thoughtful writing as you're not constrained by trying to progress a narrative. This piece was successful because the lightness in narrative allowed you to explore character. I reckon there's more in this. Phil |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 21st January 2008 |
Thanks Phil. I think I might come back to her or a similar character (not just for the rewritten version of this). The last few prose things I wrote were all done that way: I just imagined the situation and let the character do the rest. Seems things do have to be polished after that though, for I have never rewritten the same stories before until lately. May try it again, maybe with something longer, for I do hope to gather the patience to write something extended one of these days. |
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