Hi,
This is a novel I wrote a couple of years back, and keep coming back to edit and generally knock it into shape. I am currently going through it chapter by chapter, and picking up any feedback I can to make it shine like a new pennie. The basic premise is of a rich playboy who gets into trouble with the Mafia and ends up on the run.
This is a slightly revised version from the intial post.
Chapter 1
Friday 23 May
A White BMW screeched to a halt outside the Emergency Room of the Los Angeles County General. The night had brought with it a torrential rainstorm. Inside, Marcus Donnelly bald and well-built, sat breathlessly at the wheel, his energy all but spent; cuts and grazes about his face.
"Sorry man, I gotta dump you."
In the back was Malcolm Willis, his wounds leaking blood all over the once immaculate leather seats. Marcus looked to the right to see orderlies roll a stretcher towards them whilst battling the rain.
"Just listen to me quick..." he continued, "No visitors. No phone calls. I'll be in touch. You saved my life back there. I owe you everything. But don't forget who you killed and what it now means. This isn't over."
Malcolm coughed and spluttered. Then the door opened, and the harsh reality of the night flooded in along with the yell of nurses and paramedics.
"What happed here?" one yelled.
They began to help Malcolm out. Marcus didn't look or answer any of their questions. As soon as Malcolm was on the stretcher he stamped down on the accelerator and was gone. They hadn't had time to see his face. It wasn't his car. They couldn't trace anything back to him.
Now all he could hope for was that Malcolm survived.
*
‘I had thought it so cool to be a part of these people. Part of their world. It was something I had always dreamt of. Yet part of who I am, who my father was and the respect my family had gained over the years, had kept me just shy of realising my dream. And for a moment there, it was so sweet. Sweet that is until I landed in hospital, unable to walk and on a life support machine; its agonising bleep-bleep like a time bomb waiting to take me out. Maybe some dreams are just meant to stay that way.'
Malcolm lay in a hospital bed. Steel pins had been placed where bullets had half shattered the bone. Police had been and gone, their questions left unanswered but their interest still evident. He had even made the headlines, a matter not helped by his father being a respected high court Judge. Yet Malcolm had always strived to distance himself from the media interest surrounding his family. He secretly coveted the more dangerous side of life - so recently given a face due to his dealings with Marcus Donnelly. It was part of the reason the hospital had been his home for the past six weeks.
The door of the private hospital room opened, and a young black nurse he had taken a liking to, peered in.
"There's somebody here to see you, Mr Willis. Shall I tell them the same as ever?" she said.
A TV up on the wall was playing early morning kids cartoons, something Japanese and annoying, but he had been staring at it for the past ten minutes.
"No. It's alright, Nina...who is it?"
"Some lady. Says she's your sister."
‘I had refused visitors. I wasn't entirely sure why I had not let at least my family see me like this. Perhaps it was something to do with my ego, how maybe I didn't want them to see me defeated. I had felt mixed up and confused for too long; paranoid of where all this was leading.'
Malcolm nodded, and the nurse disappeared. In the brief few seconds he had alone, he sat up and switched the TV off with a remote. Then the door opened wide, and he looked over to see Patricia enter.
"So what's changed?" she asked, hands on hips, wearing pink Levis and a pale blue t-shirt. She was tall and had long flowing fair hair.
Malcolm was the eldest of three; Patricia was 28 in February, kid sister Cameron approaching 23 and himself the wrong side of 32.
"What do you mean?" he answered.
"It's been weeks and now you let me see you? What's the big idea?"
"If I was dead you'd have been told."
"That's not what I mean and you know it. We all wanted to see you. You got really hurt. What happened?"
Malcolm glanced back to the TV, almost wanting it to still be on, for an excuse to avoid making eye contact. He smirked.
"I fucked with the wrong guys, and I ended up here. Simple as."
"It was something to do with Cameron, wasn't it? And Marcus. I knew you going into business with that thug was going to mean trouble. What gives?" Patricia retorted, and came and sat down in a chair beside the bed. She was angry, but her eyes told him she was also concerned.
"Have you asked Cameron?" he asked.
"Only every day. She says you weren't involved. She was just going through a bad time and had to get away. I can't believe a word that girl says anymore."
"She was going through a rough deal. But if she doesn't want to give details, you won't hear it from me."
Patricia sighed, bowing her head so her hair hung down to her lap. Then she brushed it back over her scalp and sat back again, crossing one leg over the other.
"Father wasn't happy about the media interest. It's exposed your partnership with Marcus and hinted at his connection to organised crime. I think you better get out of this whole thing as soon as you can."
"Think I didn't know what I was getting myself into? That's what I wanted. The lifestyle, the danger, the reputation."
"You already had a good reputation. Why risk everything you have?"
"Only what has been given to me on a plate. This is the first thing I have done that really meant something."
"And it nearly got you killed. Tell me what happened, Malcolm - please!"
Malcolm so wanted to tell his sister everything, about Cameron, about Marcus, Justine and Mr Leone. But he had also grown up knowing that what you don't know they can't get out of you with a pair of wire cutters to your little pinkie. Hopefully it wasn't going to come to that - but still, he had taken enough risks just letting Patricia see him.
‘Patricia didn't stay long. I guess it was because I didn't return the answers she needed. It was good to see her again, but I had come to realise that the further away I was from my family the better it was all round. I had already waited too long.'
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Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 20th January 2008 | It doesn't really clarify what happened and who those wrong friends of him were. Something illegal I presume? Drugs, gambling, smuggling? I'd guess a guy of 32 would be smarter than to get involved in such things. Interesting story, but it leaves a lot of open questions. | Written by creaigtherave (26 comments posted) 20th January 2008 | Well not necesarrily...this is a guy (which you learn during progress of the story) who wants the gang image, what Marcus Donnelly has already got - but has got himself nearly killed from it. Also, to tell you everything the guy is about, motives, situation etc in the first chapter - where's the intrigue? If the reader is wanting to know more...thats what the rest of the story will explain. Thanks for your feedback also. Appreciated. | jazzing up your 1st chapter Written by mia_ms_kim (1019 comments posted) 27th January 2008 | Hi, Creaig. I like your story. You write well and concisely. I like the way you seem to bring me, the reader into your character's mind effortlessly. You are obviously talented. I like your protagonist's internal musings, written in 1st person. It seems intimate and revealing. And we want to know that kind of thing. (I'm a woman by the way.) I thought you could restructure your ch 1, to better grab the attention of the reader from the word go. I found the later section (6 weeks earlier) more attention-grabbing. Maybe it's all the blood, tough talk and the sinister world I know little about, and a seemingly relatable human beings starring in it. It is more interesting than a conversation between a brother and a sister, (although it was still good.) Perhaps your protagonist could start with 'I'm strapped to a life-support system, I hear the voices...' type musing. Because it is an experience only a few of us have, hovering between life and death, and seeing hallucinations and flashbacks. Nora Roberts started one of her novels with 'He died at 13.' or something like that and followed with his death experience, but of course he lived, and I wanted to know his story and kept on reading. Perhaps you could bring the 6 weeks earlier section to the beginning, and tell the story as Malcolm hovers between life and death. Then you would have to change the pov to Malcolm.... I don't know how importnat Marcus is to the whole story... Also names - Malcolm and Marcus. They sound too similar to me. Hard to differentiate. I got confused who was who, and had to reread. Perhaps Marcus can be given another cool name? Happy writing. Mia
| Ahhh, the lingering scent of noir Written by John_O (140 comments posted) 28th January 2008 | Hi Creaig its not my genre so I could be wrong, but hasn't the Film Noir voice over been rather done to death? As an opening it lacks originality and surely you want to stand out from the crowd? Unless you are really attached to it I would suggest it gets given cement overshoes and dumped in the East River. if you catch my drift... Now the hospital scene. Unless our anti hero was totally concious before being operated on and demanded 'no family, no visitors' then his family would certainly have been admitted. They probably would have been admitted even if he had demanded isolation. So it didn't ring true. If I could suggest that you have him come round after the op to find his family all around him and then have him kick up a rumpus and demand that no one be allowed to visit, really make a big scene of it. That might make a much more intriguing and standout opening sequence. Why did this injured man refuse to have anything to do with his family? Draw the reader in rather than stick a proverbial 9mm in their face. Here's looking at your chapters... John_O
| Thanks for your comments, John_O Written by creaigtherave (26 comments posted) 28th January 2008 | The voice over I guess is a little film-noir, but is primarily used in the opening two or three chapters. Its not something that is throughout. I'm, not sure if it works, but it adds (in my opinion) a little emotion to the characters situation. Also, as the later section shows, he's consious when taken from the car, so would have time to insisit on no visitors (as per Marcus' wishes), and as hinted in the opening 1st person dialogue, is a bit of a big-shot, a playboy, so his imortance may well sway the doctors at the hospital to following his wishes. Perhaps like a celebrity. I'm thinking I should have made this a bit clearer. | Thanks for your comments, Mia Written by creaigtherave (26 comments posted) 28th January 2008 | I suppose my approach to the first chapter was to build to a dramatic conclusion, and give the reader a big incentive to continue reading. I've seen many films take a similar approach, and it's made my mouth water with anticipation. Perhaps putting the arrival at the hospital at the beginning, whilst agreed it would be exciting, would then make what follows (the hospital scene) too much of a come down, there fore ending the chapter on a slow note. I agree with the Marcus / Malcolm comment though, although I had invented these characters in seperate stories in the past, and they kind of ended up together. Unfornunate - maybe I could refer to Marcus by his surname, Donnelly? What do you think? | noir Written by vixer805 (22 comments posted) 21st February 2008 | oh yeah, it's noir, it's definitely noir. i like this. there's plenty of room in the world for more noir if it's good noir, or even for bad noir. this piece, is good. i agree with Mia. i think it will work better in chronological order - firstly because plot-significant flashbacks in the early stages of a story are a real pain in the ass. the reader has to keep track of a short bit setting the current scene and then relate this to events happening before the piece starts. secondly: your flashback is a great hook. the fast action arrival at hospital sets up a lot of drama, raises questions and captures the readers attention and interest. this insight into the world of the story will encourage your readers to stick with it through the slower paced hospital recovery / exposition section. (where you get to explain stuff and answer those questions) third (or D) it's easier to follow (and empathise with) the lead character if the story follows his experience. a big jump forward while malcolm is unconcious/healing is easy to follow and much less disruptive than a big jump backwards, during his later stay in hospital. crit - you used a capitol S for sister - wha? Malcolms leg is described as 'half shattered'. it's either shattered or it ain't. maybe describe it in fancy medical terminology and summarise with how it looks bandaged and hurts like a big hairy badger. for me malcolm/marcus was ok, but it's easy changed (on paper if not in your head) if you want to alter this. it's good. thanks, vix |
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