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By beatricelouise
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20 January 2008 |
Hoping to get some good, constructive reviews. This poem is dear to my heart.
01/23/2008
She wore a smile when all the while
Her heart did quake in shades of fear
It wasn't 'til her mum would smile
When snapping caps of bottled beer
A happy thought like spinning thread
Of grown up years and no more tears
Her mother yelled, 'now go to bed'
Her father mad, that mum bought beer
The money short to pay the bills
She heard the slap, the talking back
The hurt then grew on top her ills
Her tears held back, she felt the flack
The life she lived as though a cage
Of mouthing off, and threats on top
A gun pulled out one night in rage
She leapt unsure to call the cop
A ladder stood beside the trough
To grandma's house, she dashed to tell
Then sure she heard the gun go off
She fought the voice and ran like hell
Afraid to turn, her heart beat fast
Alone to battle such a curse
Her brother left, to see the blast
She prayed he'd run, and felt thus worse
She fell upon her grandma's bed
The worry far too much to bear
'Then what would come of her', she said
And little brother 'lone somewhere
Soon morning sun, the coffee smell
The rocking chair, a smoking pipe
And then she left to find all well
The two she loved, their love not ripe
A story told of times way back
Her children ached like her of ale
So sad when life had thrown a jack
The same old tale, a life in jail
Copyright: Beatrice Louise Hebel
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Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 20th January 2008 | There's the makings of something good here. It tells a good story (I hope it isn't based on personal experience) and generally builds tension well. As a story there are breaks in the narrative that possibly need looking at in terms of story telling.
I'm not always a fan of the rhythmic pattern you've chosen, but on the whole, it delivers quite well. Using did in front of a few verbs to avoid placing ed on them for the rhyme or to fit the rhythm doesn't work well at all. There's probably a name for it but I've no idea what it is.
Interesting post Bea. Welcome to GW.
Phil |
Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 20th January 2008 | I found it hard to relate the title to the content. Are these the thoughts of the child in the family, thinking forward (some day), or looking back - as the content seems to indicate?
You've chosen a difficult rhyme pattern (abab), which gives you no leeway for error (as would abcb, where C can be anything); and a short line which tends to be used in comic poetry and can produce a rather jerky effect.
The same problem with "seemed" occurring a lot, as in your prose piece. As Phil says, a lot of the words are there to serve the rhyme, not the story. That devalues the poem generally.
Try this as free verse, forgetting about rhyme, just to sort out what you want to SAY from what you've added for the sake of the form, and then come back and try it again, in the same or another verse form. Good poetry says as much as possible in the fewest words, and it's not something you learn overnight. I think this is worth tackling again. |
Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 20th January 2008 | | Thank you for the wonderful reviews. I will continue to work on this one as was suggested. |
Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 21st January 2008 | Let's see if I got this right; Her father beat her mother and her brother shot her father? Later on she herself ends up with an abusive husband herself. Is that correct?
It flows well, but it was a bit hard to understand what exactly was going on. |
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 21st January 2008 | | Beatrice, it is obvious that you have worked really hard to write the above poem. I have to agree with the others though, for the rhyming scheme which you have chosen is extremely difficult and restricting to your work. You have a good story, though sad. I agree with Fledermaus in that sometimes it became confusing. I think you could make a really good job if you went over this again. Good Luck. | Hi Beatrice
Written by jean.day (2279 comments posted) 24th April 2008 | I'm not a poet and therefore seldom review the poetry section.
I can see what the others are saying about this poem. It has a lot of good touches - and the effort you put into writing it is apparent.
But it's choppy, instead of flowing - which might have been intended - as the rhythm creates a certain tension and the story was full of that.
But well done. I certainly couldn't have done anything similar. |
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