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Shorts
In Bed, Before
By backhand
21 January 2008

You smell good, she had said.

Mmm, she had said as she had nibbled his ear, and rubbed her hand over his chest and down his arm.

He’d said nothing.

I like the warmth of cuddling you in bed, she had said.

I wanna hold you forever, she had said.

Wouldn’t you just want to stay like this? She had said.

He’d lay there, staring at the ceiling, wondering what he was going to say next.

Just typical of you men, she had said.

What you gonna do? She had said.

Kiss me, she had said.

He’d put his arm around her, kissed her head, burrowed his nose in the waves of her hair. He’d placed his fingertip under her left arm and slowly pulled it down the side of her body, featherweight touch. He’d added his other fingers at her hip, and floated them down her thigh.

Let’s stay in bed all day, she had said.

Are you hungry? She had said.

Do you think I’m terrible?
She had said.

No.. No, I don’t, he said.


Reviews

Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 22nd January 2008
This is a bit different. Original but until the end, I thought he was dead. Or that he was in her imagination.  
 
The title is revelant, I would say. Not eye catching. 
 
The dialogue--strange. Not my cup of tea, I'm sorry. Maybe a young person would enjoy.

Written by fellpony (1603 comments posted) 23rd January 2008
I wonder what would happen to this piece if you took it out of the pluperfect tense - ie, removed all the "had" words.  
 
An interesting sketch, but unsatisfying for me. I'd like just a hint about motives, undercurrents, and a possible conclusion; otherwise I don't think it's a story, not even a very short one.

Written by blogbrush (33 comments posted) 24th January 2008
It actually just seems to me to be a literal transcript of a moment, which is fine, but I personally would need some of what fellpony asks for: motives, undercurrents, something beyond the very surface, otherwise it isn't story telling so much as just telling. I guess the fact that the woman has almost all of the dialogue to the man's single mumble could be in some way insightful but that's at a generous push, I am afraid.

Written by blogbrush (33 comments posted) 24th January 2008
It actually just seems to me to be a literal transcript of a moment, which is fine, but I personally would need some of what fellpony asks for: motives, undercurrents, something beyond the very surface, otherwise it isn't story telling so much as just telling. I guess the fact that the woman has almost all of the dialogue to the man's single mumble could be in some way insightful but that's at a generous push, I am afraid.

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