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Extended Work
The gallant knight (Ch. 1)
By Fledermaus
22 January 2008

He turned on the little light over his head and took the comic book from the glove compartment. She probably wouldn't like him being here, sitting in a car in front of the club like a spy, waiting for her to come out. He imagined what it'd look like, a lone man in a car looking at the entrance of a club, trying to look casual and harmless.

The bouncer seemed to have noticed him already and peeked through the window every now and then to see if he was still there. It was better not to gaze back. In the end she would have to appear and he could just as well kill time reading.

Soon he forgot about the outside world as he paged through the black and white sheets. His heroes were flying to save the world from extraterrestrial villains, meanwhile growing ever stronger. They rode dragons and walked upon the clouds, raced spaceships over unknown planets and fought epic battles.

Now he chuckled, then he bit his lip. It was one of the joys of being all alone. He could immerse into the story and let his emotions go free.

The door opened and he looked up. Two girls left. Short skirts, high heeled boots and tiny handbags... He saw the bouncer look at him suspiciously, shook his head and looked at the comic again.

The hero had just crashed the door of the villain's main base and was ready to save the damsel in distress, but he did not know where he had hidden her. Meanwhile the villain was about to open the gate to another dimension and flood the world with demons...

A few more people left, both men and women. He picked up his phone and dialled her number. She didn't answer.

The hero had just knocked down three cyborgs and was heading for the dungeon where the princess was locked up. Yet did he know about the powers of the guardian? He was level fifteen at least and held the Globe of Lightning...

There was a knock on his window and he looked up. The make-up was smeared over her face and he could see where the drops had cut their trace over her cheeks.

He gestured to the other door and opened it while she staggered around the bonnet.

What was next? He tucked the comic away and looked at her. What should he say?

' Enjoyed yourself?'

' How was the party?'

' What happened?'

' I told you so.'

She sat down at the passenger seat and seemed small and vulnerable in her evening gown. Her shoulders were narrow and her arms thin even compared to those of the princess in his book. With her bangles and earrings she seemed a sad little princess.

She just looked ahead into the darkness and a tear drew another bluish black track through the rouge. What should he do? Just hit the accelerator and get away from here?

" I hate him...", she muttered.

" Uhuh."

" You were so right."

" Hm."

However much he liked her to admit being wrong, it did not make him any happier this time.

" I thought he was different."

The words seemed to come slowly, with long pauses and snivelling between them, yet he felt he had to let her finish.

" I saw them kissing. Him and May. You were so right. He'd never have a girl like me..."

He thought of a quote he read somewhere, but it seemed wiser just to listen.

" And she smirked at me over his shoulder. I felt so ashamed. And Lin refused to say anything about it. I thought she was my friend, but she just seemed too busy with her boyfriend."

She looked at him as if she expected him to say something wise, but it seemed that however hard he searched, he could not find any words.

" I have been so stupid", she said and touched his hand which was already on the gear-lever. It felt cold and she trembled a little. He thought it was uncomfortable to be touched by her in this way.

" You want a tissue?"

She nodded and he took a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket. It wasn't used, but didn't look too clean either. Yet he had little else to offer her.

" Thank you."

Then she suddenly pressed her head against his shoulder. She was sobbing uncontrollably and he felt how his shirt was getting wetter and wetter. He hesitated, but there seemed no other option than to put his arm around her.

Being a gallant knight seemed different from what he had expected.

Reviews
HI Fledermaus
Written by jean.day (2326 comments posted) 22nd January 2008
Good story. I thought I knew what the end would be, but I was wrong. I thought it was a man picking up his daughter - but apparently she was a friend - perhaps someone he cared more for than she cared for him. But she did seem to know he was going to be there. Had she called him to ask him to come? If she was going there to meet another man, that was quite a bit thing to ask of a friend. Maybe she doesn't know he likes her.  
 
I did question the reading material if he was the father, so maybe I should have caught on sooner.

Written by Lizzy (822 comments posted) 22nd January 2008
I too thought it was her father but then with his reading material that he might be slightly 'simple'. 
I thought you judged this very well and the the interspersion of the comic with reality was a nice touch. 
I thought the 'unused but slightly grubby tissue' was quite poignant. 
Good one. 
Lizzy

Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 22nd January 2008
You fooled us all. I, too thought it was his daughter. Might be a step-daughter, a cousin or some other relative that he should not have feelings for. 
 
The comic thing seems to be used to distract the reader for the unexpected ending. It is not unusual for young guys to read or browse through comics such as these. Comics are coming back on the scene.  
 
I agree with the other reviews on some aspects.

Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 23rd January 2008
Thanks Jean, Lizzy and Beatricelouise. 
 
It's funny, when writing it I hadn't thought of him being her father, yet it seems all three of you thought so and on rereading it with your comments in mind it seemed very logical. 
 
What I had in mind was indeed rather a (steph)brother, a cousin or a close friend. I hadn't so much imagined him having romantic feelings for her, but rather being very concerned and protective... And a bit of a geek who didn't know how to deal with such things (see, that's the problem with us men :p). 
 
Thanks for your comments 
:)

Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 23rd January 2008
I didn't think it was her father - perhaps a lover, perhaps a very keen friend. No mater really. I liked this a lot. Well judged piece that wasn't tempted down the usual routes - and all the better for it. 
 
While there's nothing wrong at all with yuor historical pieces - the quality of your writing has improved a lot over the last few posts where you have focussed more on character than a given narrative. 
 
I guess you've been writing small scenes and characters recently - the trick is going to be carrying this style and quality into something more substantial. 
 
Phil

Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 23rd January 2008
Thanks Phil. 
I guess you're right. It's something different from axe wielding berserkers or conscripts at Stalingrad and no-one died for a change. Focussing on different emotions I think. Tragedies don't have to involve epic battles and scorched ruins. 
 
It'd indeed be nice to write something bigger, but that does require a certain patience and determination I'm not sure I have yet... 

Written by bluecity (417 comments posted) 24th January 2008
This looks like being very interesting, Fledermaus. I too thought of a father and recalled sitting in all sorts of improbable places waiting for my daughter or son. And you tell me it's not a father. Curiouser and curiouser. 
 
The reading matter didn't, to me, indicate a younger man, as many middle-aged men watch so much junk on television! 
 
Also I liked the character of the girl, a very realistic teenager. And you draw out her agony with her account of the girlfriend smirking at her over the boy's shoulder. My only slight reservation is calling a teenage girl "May". Most "Mays" are "Auntie Mays" or "Great Auntie Mays", and, it appears, May is not one of the Victorian names which is making a come-back. 
 
Regarding "writing something bigger", I believe it is a difficult transition to make. As a novelist, I have the opposite problem. 
 
On to read the next chapter. 
 
Rosemary 
 
 
 
 
 

Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 25th January 2008
Thanks Rosemary, 
Perhaps I should make it clearer he is a young man then. Although at the time of writing I had no idea of their relationship yet. 
 
The name May was something I changed at the last minute before posting it. Never knew it was an old fashioned name. It seemed to go well with the character 美 (beauty). I was hesitant to give the characters Chinese names, for if I'm already so unaware of subtleties with english names, what could go wrong with Chinese names? 
 

Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 27th January 2008
Just noticed you've moved this over to extended and added a few bits. I'm glad you're trying something a little longer. 
 
Phil.
I thought he was a killer!
Written by Aurora (67 comments posted) 16th February 2008
I felt the beginning had a creepy feel and the use of the phrase 's 
'Killing time', 'trying to look harmless' made me feel (only at the beginning) that he was a stalker going to kill the girl! 
 
The comic extracts worked well and gave an insight into him maybe wanting to be like the comic book heroes.  
 
The opening set the scene well without ceremony which worked well I think with your style of writing. 
 
I have not read any of your work before so cannot compare it to anything you've written. I would like to say though that I really liked this book so far and feel compelled by what you have wrote to read on! 
 
Aurora :)

Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 16th February 2008
Thanks Aurora, 
That was exactly what I wanted the reader to think initially. This was a short-story before I continued it and I hoped to put the reader on the wrong track.

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