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Shorts
autumness
By emilylou
22 January 2008

It looked like that time my little brother dripped blue food colouring into his milk.  The sky, I mean.  Watery white with squiggles of blue.

  And the trees around me were neonized, as if the Tree Painter had just discovered that autumn was the best time to display his art in the gallery of the world.  
  Vancouver in the autumn.  The autumn in Vancouver.

  Lazily, I stood up and brushed leaf-crumbs off my jeans.  Down I tugged the sleeves of my hoodie and buried my chin in my scarf.  My red scarf.  My happy scarf.  Everyone should have at least one article of clothing that makes them happy...and I was happy.  Happiness is such a yummy feeling.  I almost felt that I could close my eyes, open my mouth, and gulp in the liquid sun and the crispy air, the painted leaves and the vibes of joy all around.

  Except then, of course, no one except me would be able to enjoy the day; so I closed my mouth and opened my eyes.  Eyes, after all, do a very passable imitation of drinking in beauty.

  I went down a pathway.  Not went, my English teacher would say.  Wandered.  Meandered.  Meandered has a deliciously slow, serendipitous feeling to it.  So I meandered.

  Ahead of me, a dad and his son were pulling a pile of leaves into an enormous heap.  The dad held up his hand as I approached.

  “You hafta watch this!” he shouted.

  The little boy gave me a delighted grin.  He dropped his rake, tripped over his feet, picked himself up, and ran up the hill.  Then down he tumbled, eyes shining, and whooshed into the pile of leaves.  Everywhere, orangeness and redness and browness went flying.  Proudly, his dad took a photo on his camera phone, then turned to me.

  “You wanna do it too?”

  I paused.  Then smiled.  Then laughed.  What the heck, why not?

  At the top of the hill, I discarded my purse.  I felt the sun turning my hair red and my eyes neon blue.  I stretched out my arms.  Then I cascaded into the leafyness, laughing like a kid.

  “All right, all right then, great!”  The dad’s camera phone flashed a few more times, catching me in my hideous but typical laughing-with-mouth-open pose.  I felt like yelling to the world that this was autumn, this was what it was all about.  Leaves sticking to your hair, frayed jeans, the smell of blackberries, and love for everything.  And everyone.  And everyone’s everything.

  “I wanna rake more leaves, dad!”   The kid rushed in, carrying a rake larger than he was.  It teetered dangerously towards me as I retrieved myself from the leaf-pile.

  “Excellent, excellent!”  The dad was smiling at everyone who had paused to watch.  Briefly, I wondered if he ever stopped smiling.  Permanent smile, only $10.99 at your local dollar store, my mind began to mumble nonsensically.  Autumn always makes me nonsensical.  Which is probably why, as I walked away, I began imagining a conversation between the trees and the pathway.  The pathway was annoyed because the trees refused to keep their leaves to themselves, and the trees were annoyed because they couldn’t believe anything could dislike their leaves....

  But that’s another story.  And there’s all of autumn to tell it.

Reviews
Hi Emilylou
Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 22nd January 2008
The title I would think is relevant to this story. I know it can be quite difficult to write a descriptive piece. There's always room for improvement, but some of the words you used were good word choices for this type of writing. I don't know if this is your style, light and cheery; whether you are a student which you suggest when you mention your English teacher.  
 
I like the Tree Painter displaying his art in the world. 
 
Like splotches of a messy paint job. Nice! 
 
You have a fun way of writing. It shows to me that you are enjoying yourself. The description of the sky is original.  
 
It is an easy read. Maybe work on not using so many words like 'was'. There are four of this nasty words in paragraph two.  
 
I don't know what else to say. Some one commented that my story was simple I think he put it. I guess if we are using that term, this would be under that category. To me it depends on whom you are writing to. Not everyone can read a work with large, out of the ordinary wording.  
 
Saying all this, I thought this was quite good.  
 
:grin :grin :grin

Written by fellpony (1569 comments posted) 23rd January 2008
The title is unusual (I had never heard of autumness) but it is relevant to the piece. 
 
It's short, even as short stories go, with a simple storyline.  
 
You have some great images, particularly the opening one about the milky sky. I was right there with you in the park among the colours and fallen leaves.  
 
Some of what you say could be pruned ruthlessly and have more impact: the second paragraph, for instance, could be half its length. Yet other things well deserve the attention you have given them: I liked: ... buried my chin in my scarf. My red scarf. My happy scarf. Everyone should have at least one article of clothing that makes them happy...and I was happy. Happiness is such a yummy feeling. - though I think you could leave out ..and I was happy, since you have already shown us that you are - we don't need to be told as well ;)  
 
I wondered if this was going to progress towards more dialogue, as the opening of a longer tale, but you cut it short, so I was disappointed.

Written by Phil (6629 comments posted) 26th January 2008
Not quite sure what to make of this, but there's much to enjoy. Your 'happiness' and excitement shines through in the energetic writing - and it is infectious. Perhaps it lacked a little direction but it was well worth reading.  
 
Incidentally - I thought this far from simple.  
 
Interestingly (or oddly) I saw this in bright, clear, deeply saturated primary colours. 
 
Liked it. 
 
Phil

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