Quicklinks:
Short S. | Poetry | Not News | Scripts | Comedy | Non-Fiction | SF | Crime | For Kids | Extended | Village
Great Writing - Home > Poetry > The Light Cannot Hide The Dark
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 2028 guests online and 5 members online
Poetry
print friendly version     
The Light Cannot Hide The Dark
By DressedInPoetry
22 January 2008


Light

Noise trickles into the room
Echoing, Reiterating, Recapitulating
A jumble of words
Mixed together, Indistinguishable, Identical
Peals of laughter leak through
False friends uttering synthetic snickers
Fake, Mocking, Deceptive

I shiver
Freezing, Chilling, Glaciating
Frozen by the jeering insults they throw
Taunting, Sneering, Scoffing
I hide
Warming myself in this world I created
This beautiful, delightful, majestic, divine,
Decaying, corrupt, noxious, impure realm
That I am forced to inhabit forever more

It’s because of you, don’t you see?
Your harsh words fell off your sharpened tongue
And pierced me
Scarred my soul
Stabbed me in the back
Punctured my beating heart
Until it stood still
Blackened by the fire which escaped your mouth
Frozen by the avalanche of hatred which fell from your tongue
Destroyed by the poison which dripped from your lips

But you made a mistake
You didn’t think
I was cemented to my creation
Fastened to my prison
Anchored to my dungeon
With only my anger to sake me
Vengeful, Sinister, Wretched
And I planned
I plotted, schemed, contrived
My revenge
My sweet, darling, fantastic, lovely
All-consuming, crippling, rotting, devouring
Revenge.

For without my heart,
That you inflamed, congealed, annihilated
And ripped out
Taking care to step upon as you strode away,
There was nothing to stop me
From exacting my perfect vindication.

Darkness

Reviews

Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 23rd January 2008
Well. It does have a structure, moving from light to dark. Revenge is a common theme though and so it's difficult to find a new twist on it. I didn't think the series of thesaurine (thesaural?) adjectives / nouns / adverbs really worked. Extensive vocabulary is fine, but they made me wonder if you simply couldn't decide which was the one you wanted. I think it would benefit from a severe pruning. Or - to be a touch avant-garde - you could turn it into an interactive work. Put it into a web form and let the reader choose a word from each sequence to create their own preferred version of the poem :)
example
Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 23rd January 2008
noise trickled into the room 
echoing a jumble of words 
mixed together 
laughter leaked through  
false friends mocking 
 
i shivered, frozen by insults  
i hid 
warming myself in this world i created, 
this divine, decaying realm 
that i am forced to inhabit 
because of you 
harsh words fell off your tongue 
pierced me 
scarred my soul 
stabbed my beating heart 
until it stood still 
frozen by your avalanche of hatred. 
 
you didn’t think 
i was cemented to my creation 
with only my anger to save me 
I plotted my revenge 
my lovely all-consuming, crippling revenge 
 
for without my heart 
that you ripped out 
as you strode away 
there was nothing to stop me 
from exacting a perfect vindication. 

Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 23rd January 2008
Hi, 
Very strong. 
A piece you have clearly worked upon (and, oh!, would that others here worked even a quarter as hard). 
Vindication - there's another word for this, here. 
It escapes me - but vindication is wrong. 
Don't know why. 
Everything else is fine - very strong, as I say, and not the words of a moment; but the words of an era - the era in which you existed when you wrote them. 
Move on from there: "The moving finger writes ......... " 
Google it. 
PT

Written by Amelia (30 comments posted) 23rd January 2008
This was very powerful, and it had a strong voice. I agree with fellpony. By choosing fewer adjectives, the piece would be less cluttered. This might be more palatable to a reader, however, you might loose some of the ranting anger that defines this poem. It's up to you, but I love this as it is. 
 
Amelia

Written by DressedInPoetry (23 comments posted) 24th January 2008
Thank you all!

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!
 Previous item   Next item
This site is copyright 2005 - 2007 Great Writing. Work submitted by members remains the copyright of the respective authors.
See our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.