Just a short story I wrote when I was in a particularly frustrated state about the quality of the world we live in. If you don't know what a Proletarian is, you should check this out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proletarian
I appreciate honest reviews, and I'd be more than glad to return the favor.
I slipped through the
soiled street, passing through the stench of 100 years of poverty. This
is what we were promised? The barren, un-profitable land of a raped
god? At least before the revolution, we felt like people, now we are
words, numbers and figures. I try and tell the others that God has left
this place; he was paid off and then was killed for his greed as he
tried to double-cross El Diablo. God would not be able to smell
his people's decomposing bodies without having to act. My body is
rotting from the inside out. It began in my heart, slipping through my
veins, into my brain, before escaping through my mouth in word-form.
When it cannot escape fast enough, these rogue thoughts seep out my
ears. I cannot work, I have lost the will. I could all the time and
still have no money for food. I used to have endless bowls of rice, now
I have a single, malcontented grain. I go through the streets and see
crosses, I whisper that religion is for the full, apathy is for the
hungry. I go to church and they mock me with their wafers. The body of
Christ is not a body, it is a precursor to hunger, the concentrated
hypocrisy of those in power. I will go hungry unless I live to see the
next revolution. My bony hands will fight for the faction that will let
me eat and drink like a man, not grovel like a pig.
The sun above me is growing too hot. It
seeks to quell these revolutions by melting the people like a
magnifying glass to ants, yet I am not angry. How can I be angry when
there is not enough emotion to go around? I will not steal the feelings
of another man, for I have no use for them. Men have killed for more
trivial things, and they have died for less. All the nothing that I
have today is thanks to war, and the best things I have loved and lost
have come and gone because of the profitable bitch. A flourish of
trumpets sounds as I lead the charge. My stomach cries out a battle
call for everyone else to hear. All the country heeds my hungry cry,
and collectively vow to go on being hungry.
|
Incredible.
Written by Amelia (36 comments posted) 23rd January 2008 | A very chilling and powerful narration. I especially loved this:
"My body is rotting from the inside out. It began in my heart, slipping through my veins, into my brain, before escaping through my mouth in word-form. When it cannot escape fast enough, these rogue thoughts seep out my ears."
I have no suggestions for a rewrite; this is perfect as it is. Well done.
Amelia | Well, what can I say?
Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 24th January 2008 | You mention there is no anger. I sense anger throughout the entire piece. Angry at God mostly.
Many people are mad at God. But why? We have created our own beds, and we have to sleep in them.
I don't really get the drift of this piece. I feel sad at the utter dispair. I can't imagine not having anything to eat. If it were me, I might be angry, too. I find the world today is an angry world.
Centuries have gone by with much heartache and pain. And they have turned to God in their time of trouble. Today's world spits in His face. There will be a reckoning. It frightens me to read of such hopelessness. What does the writer expect of God when the little things are taken for granted.
I'm sorry. I'm baffled, but I realize this is a piece of writing. I would like to talk at length with the writer because I just don't understand. | Well, what can I say?
Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 24th January 2008 | You mention there is no anger. I sense anger throughout the entire piece. Angry at God mostly.
Many people are mad at God. But why? We have created our own beds, and we have to sleep in them.
I don't really get the drift of this piece. I feel sad at the utter dispair. I can't imagine not having anything to eat. If it were me, I might be angry, too. I find the world today is an angry world.
Centuries have gone by with much heartache and pain. And they have turned to God in their time of trouble. Today's world spits in His face. There will be a reckoning. It frightens me to read of such hopelessness. What does the writer expect of God when the little things are taken for granted.
I'm sorry. I'm baffled, but I realize this is a piece of writing. I would like to talk at length with the writer because I just don't understand. |
Written by Godspeed (2 comments posted) 24th January 2008 | Hm. Well I think you took this piece at too much of a religious level. The character? Religious, yes, but utterly upset at the idea of god.
Myself? Former Christian, now Agnostic. I'm sorry that the religious undertones troubled you, but I myself don't feel the same fear of the divine.
I would be interested in discussing it further with you too, pick your brain and whatnot. |
Written by Phil (6951 comments posted) 26th January 2008 | Interesting piece. Couple of niggles first: the font is too small for my not so perfect eyesight and centering the text just makes it slightly more tricky to read - breaks the flow. Personal nit pick - I don't like to see numbers written as digits.
Glad that's out of the way as I thought this was a good piece of writing. It captures plenty of feeling and builds a sense of place. I think it could have stood a little more development.
I'd like to see this adapted and used as part of a longer narrative.
Enjoyed.
Phil |
Written by eudimonia (16 comments posted) 30th January 2008 | | Disturbing piece of writing. To me it shows how the poison of apathy grows from festering, frustrated anger until it becomes all pervasive. Feels like the opening to a story could this character be redeemed? |
Written by Godspeed (2 comments posted) 30th January 2008 | No. Absolutely not.
To make him all better would be to concede to the idea that optimism is well-founded and that everything turns out for the best. |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
