The main character picked up his stepsister after a disappointing night out.
He drew open the curtains and looked how the sky was glowing behind the apartment blocks. Soon the sun would rise over the roofs and the new day would start. He thought of the night and sighed. Such things were new to him, little sisters. Girls...
He wiped a tear out of his eye. Cutting onions had never been amongst his hobbies, but today's breakfast would be the best he had ever made. She was in need of a good meal, his skinny little stepsister.
He thought of the dark traces on her cheeks, pale beneath the red stuff. Her make-up wasn't water-proof, but perhaps make-up wasn't meant to be. For what could describe the feelings better than running mascara, or eye-shadow, or whatever it was called. He didn't know the difference.
Capricious black lines wiggling over a tender face he somehow... Cared for. She had seemed so innocent, so ignorant and disillusioned, like a child that dropped his ice-cream, but worse. What could be a sadder sight than a crying girl wearing her most beautiful dress? He knew he should have said something big brotherly, but he had been stunned.
He tossed the onions into the wok and stirred the sizzling meat. The steam blew into his face and made him sniff.
He wasn't the Golden Avenger or Dragonman. Comic-book heroes would probably give that boy a punch that would send him straight into the stratosphere or stamp him so deep into the ground that he would pop out on the other side of the planet. But this was the real world and he was no hero. He was just an ordinary guy that spend most of his time reading.
Spices filled the kitchen with their fragrance and he tried to think of something he could say to her. He used to tease her and to interrupt her soap operas with sarcastic remarks. She in turn often hid his favourite comics and had even torn one apart in a burst of anger. He wasn't sure if he had forgiven her for that yet, but right now it seemed a small thing.
He listened to the sounds of the sputtering food in front of him and the silence of his flat. Someone was singing somewhere far away, a man with a clear voice. The tune was slow and in he couldn't identify the language, but the music reminded him a little of the Canto-pop she was so fond of.
He turned down the fire and scooped the noodles into a bowl.
The television was on, but she was staring out of the window, bracing herself. She was still wearing her nightgown and seemed even smaller than the night before.
He put the bowl down onto his table and went back to the kitchen to get some chopsticks. When he returned she had seated herself. Her eyes were red with crying.
" You have made noodles."
There was a faint smile on her face.
" You like?"
She nodded.
" If I would say that, you'd say I'm talking slang."
" I would, ah?"
" You're teasing me."
" Not teasing you. You sleep little bit?"
" Stop it."
He was pleased to see a laugh on her tearful face.
" I slept well... Sort of. And you?"
She looked at the blankets that were draped over the couch. He hadn't slept too well, but he had felt obliged to yield his bed.
" Not too bad."
She looked at him and seemed very different from the girl that had once ripped his comics apart. He did not know what to say. It didn't seem like a good idea to mention the other night, but he couldn't do as if nothing had happened either. He filled her bowl and poured her some tea.
She took a few bites from a piece of pork and seemed to hesitate.
" I'm so glad I have a big brother", she said.
His cheeks got hot and he quickly filled his mouth with noodles...
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Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 23rd January 2008 |
I really do like this. It does work with the last instalment. I thought the last line was so funny. Quirky in a way. In one paragraph, you have the word 'seemed' twice In another, the word 'was' is frequent. Otherwise, it is good. |
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 24th January 2008 |
Thanks Beatricelouise. Quirky? As in his behavior or as in language used? I'll check the other things you mentioned. |
Hi Fledermaus Written by jean.day (2257 comments posted) 24th January 2008 |
I was surprised to see the continuation of this story here in Extended. You had talked about trying to write a book, so now, I guess you have started. Good luck with it. This is a good start. You have captured the reader's attention and hinted at a further awkward relationship between these two. So people will keep reading to find out what will happen next. I found the language a bit odd - and wasn't sure if they were meant to be not English. But since you are from Holland, chances are you might well not be having English people as your characters. Looking forward to the next installment. |
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 24th January 2008 |
Hi Jean. I don't think many English and Dutch have noodles for breakfast I intend them to be Asian, with the girl perhaps being a first generation immigrant (not sure yet, as the story constantly changes shape). Hence the language: I tried to have him imitate Chinglish or Singlish. Thanks for reading. |
Written by bluecity (367 comments posted) 24th January 2008 |
Hello Fledermaus, my thoughts as I read this: Girls don't wear makeup in bed. Even the most disconsolate girl will wash off her make-up (or use cleanser) at night, because, failing to do so causes *spots*. Just another thought regarding Chapter 1, a "ball gown"? Young girls don't wear ball gowns anymore. A short skirt or dress, perhaps. Young girls don't wear nightgowns. They wear T-shirts and knickers in bed. I like the "You like?" That sounds very real. Love the ending! You say you don't write longer works? You could certainly write a soap, I think. Rosemary
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Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 24th January 2008 |
Thanks Rosemary, Oh did I give the impression she was still wearing make-up? Should change something then. I imagined him thinking of the night before after he had picked her up from some club. Hm, I can see how her evening gown contrasts with the short skirts and boots of the other visitors, may change that a bit. I guess the girls I know are old fashioned? For most of them I have seen in their pyamas were wearing night gowns. Well, over-sized T-shirts or very short dresses really, but aren't those labeled night gowns? I hope this is going somewhere. I'd like to write a soap |
Written by Lizzy (783 comments posted) 25th January 2008 |
This explained quite a bit from the first chapter, you managed to explian his relationship to her very well. I think you have begun something and it would be well worth continuing. I find I want to know more about him now, seems such a sympathetic character. Lizzy |
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 25th January 2008 |
Thanks Lizzy. I hope this is going somewhere, for it has mainly been the characters driving the story so far and I have no idea for a plot. Will try to let you know them a bit better though  |
Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 27th January 2008 |
Interesting scenario. It would be a bit more of a shocker if they were real brother and sister! This move sthe story on well and creates intrigue as to where you're going with it. I certainly want to read more. Not sure the Chinglish came off - and I've knon lots of girls who have worn makeup to bed - perhaps I just come from common stock. Keep going. Phil |
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 27th January 2008 |
Thanks Phil. Well this seems to be growing as it is written, so in part 1 I had no idea about their relationship yet. I imagined the girl once having had such an accent and the guy teasing her with it still. I don't intend to have them talk like that all the time, as it is hard enough to get that right: I can imagine what English sounds like when you apply Chinese grammar on it and I do know a few standard expressions people use, but if I would have them speak with a 'proper' accent it would be way too difficult. I already spent about half an hour looking up the use of "ah?" (which Singaporeans apparently use) and I'm still not sure if I got it right. But then, the guy is only imitating, so he may get it wrong too. |
Written by Abigail (24 comments posted) 10th February 2008 |
As a girl I can tell you i have sometimes worn make up to bed, if I was very tired. I can imagine doing it if i was upset. I also occasioanly wear a nightgown, though usually a oversized t-shirt. If the girl is supposed to seem somewhat childlike, which is what I got, a nightgown would be appropriate. If you intend the characters to be asian, you really should go to the first chapter and add in a short description of their looks. It would clear up the confusion, and make the story seem more real. (What if the girl is asian, but the boy isn't? It would make an interesting twist in their relationship, that they are family but look so different and have different upbringings.) I really like the story, and plan to keep reading. Abigail |
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 10th February 2008 |
Thank you Abigail. Those are some interesting ideas. I might use them :-) There must certainly be some cultural differences, as I imagine the girl being from Asia, while the guy (although probably Asian) is raised in the West. :-) |
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 13th February 2008 |
Hi, Fledermaus, I've just dropped into this as I saw it posted in the random items on the left of the home page; so I have no background - ie. from the first chapter. But what I have read certainly intrigues me, although the dialogue seems a little stilted - but perhaps this is intended to convey their own relationship - stilted. So far. Keep us all posted if it goes any further. Pete |
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 13th February 2008 |
Thank you Pete. Yes, I'm working on it, but seem to have become a bit stuck recently. I'll try to write a short summary when I post the new chapter, so people could still get what it's about  |
Written by Aurora (50 comments posted) 16th February 2008 |
I liked the opening paragraph a lot it provided good imagery with a warmth that set the remainder of the chapter. I'm not sure if he would be stunned at seeing his sister crying in a beautiful dress, maybe another word could be used? also this is probably just me reading too many romance stories but in a weird way it comes across to me as if he has romantic feeling for his stepsister? i.e. describing the touch of her hand in the first chapter, the fact he blushes at the end, the line: 'She looked at him and seemed very different from the girl that had once ripped his comics apart' maybe him noticing her growing up into a young woman? is this going to be part of the plot perhaps? the line: 'He used to tease her and to interrupt her soap operas...' shouldn't it read 'He used to tease her and interrupt her soap operas...'? Anyway, an enjoyable read. Keep writing as I want to know what happens next! |
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 16th February 2008 |
Thanks Aurora. You're not the first one who thinks he has romantic feelings for her, as Phil seems convinced about that too. Maybe he has; Sometimes characters do things the writer did not anticipate, especially when he starts out writing without a plan Thanks for your comment. |
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