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By beatricelouise
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23 January 2008 |
This is another try at my poem. Third time around. I think I erased the former ones, so you may not be able to compare. I feel good about this one. Let me know what you think? Also, If I have the meter correct. Thank you all for your wonderful support and help.
01/23/2008
She wore a smile when all the while
Her heart did quake in shades of fear
It wasn't 'til her mum would smile
When snapping caps off bottled beer
A happy thought like spinning thread
Of grown up years and no more tears
Her mother yelled, 'now go to bed'
Her father mad, that mum bought beer
The money short to pay the bills
She heard the slap, the talking back
The hurt then grew upon her ills
Her tears held back, she felt the flack
The life she lived as though a cage
Of mouthing off, and threats on top
A gun pulled out one night in rage
She leapt unsure to call the cop
A ladder stood beside the trough
To grandma's house, she dashed to tell
Then sure she heard the gun go off
She fought the voice and ran like hell
Afraid to turn, her heart beat fast
Alone to battle such a curse
Her brother left, to see the blast
She prayed he'd run, and felt thus worse
She fell upon her grandma's bed
The worry far too much to bear
'Then what would come of her', she said
'And little brother 'lone somewhere'
Soon morning sun, the coffee smell
The rocking chair, a smoking pipe
And then she left to find all well
The two she loved, their love not ripe
A story told of times way back
Her children ached like her of ale
So sad when life had thrown a jack
The same old tale, a life in jail
Copyright: Beatrice Louise Hebel|
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 23rd January 2008 | Hello Beatricelouise: Some questions:
"It wasn't 'til her Mum would smile
When snapping caps off bottled beer" -
I'm not sure what this means for it seems like a sentence which is incomplete. What wasn't til - - - -?
Then:
"The life she lived as though a cage" - Did she live her life as if she was in a cage, or lived her life as if she were a cage? Not clear.
Other than this, your poem is much improved. If it makes you feel any better, I have probably written more poems than you in the last 2 years - hundreds - and, although I feel my writing is getting better, I often have to go through my poems and change them sometimes up to 20 times. I call it "polishing them up" or "ironing them out". I look at little phrases and try to improve the sense of them, or change words so that they fit in better with the rhythm. I go to the thesaurus and see if I can find a word meaning the same but perhaps with one syllable, or being more exact in meaning. I've gone through two of my old poems this week: Jack Frost (children's) and Snowdrops, Winter White Princes. I've done many changes with these, and Phil pointed things out to me. I hope my two questions will direct you to these lines so that you can re-examine them for if one person notices something, others may also. Hope this helps.
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Written by punchy (500 comments posted) 23rd January 2008 | | Although I don't completely understand the plot I still really like it. It is tragic and has a filmic quality. A couple of squeezes in there but what would I know I'm always squeezing. well done x |
Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 23rd January 2008 | | Thank you both. I find poetry a bit difficult to get the point acrpss but as you have mentioned, Josie, revising is the key. I know everytime I rework something, it usually gets better unless I'm tired and upset about something. Then nothing works for me. You both have encouraged me. I will continue to work on this poem as it has a lot to say behind the lines, so it must be perfect. |
Written by DressedInPoetry (23 comments posted) 23rd January 2008 | It is very difficult to keep both rhythm and rhyme while also attempting to convey something as deep as this, so I applaud you. It is very good.
The only thing I would suggest is, as Josie already pointed out, the lines that say
"It wasn't 'til her Mum would smile
When snapping caps off bottled beer"
don't flow like the rest because they seem chopped off.
I always look back at my poems and go "I cannot believe I did this. I messed up here, and I should have done this there and blahblahblah", so you are definitely not alone. What's nice about revising your poems is that you start noticing things that you can do better, and things that really work. |
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 23rd January 2008 | I think this has improved but the comments above show that you still need to consider the narrative - story element - of this. I really enjoy narative poems but there are places where the story jumps. In a short piece like this, I think you can afford to be explicit with the story and subtle with the emotion.
did quake
would smile
as though a cage -
all need looking at.
It's good to see someone who is willing to work on a piece to improve it. It's what all of need to do to progress.
Phil. |
Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 23rd January 2008 | | Thank you Phil and DressedInPoetry for your comments. I will definitely work to improve this areas. I want it as perfect. Important to me. |
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