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By beatricelouise
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24 January 2008 |
This poem is already published, but you can still give me your thoughts and comments. I surely would appreciate it. Thank you very much.  01/23/2008
Grandpa took me fishing just the other day
We jumped into his boat, heading out into the bay
Heading out into the bay, we set sail that day
And settled in the spot where fishermen stopped to prey
He put a leech upon my hook, my grandpa's very brave
He is the bravest grandpa that a child could ever have
A nibble by a whale made me quiver and behave
Grandpa hollered, "Pass the net, this fish we have to save."
Save the fish is what we did, he landed safe in our boat
Flopping over and over, the fish seemed huge as a goat
Well, maybe not so large, it's called a fisherman's tale
But he was big all right, his tail hung out of the pail
Copyright: Beatrice Louise Hebel |
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 23rd January 2008 | Beatricelouise: I liked the story in your poem and I think children would. I know my review will slant the poem towards how I write and you may not like it but a couple of things: I find it strange that you have done this as one continuous poem in double line spacing without any break between the verses and no full stops. Is there a reason that you chose to do this? I was looking for a structure. Sometimes I had to read your rhyming verses twice to see where they ended and you started on a new pattern. It is very difficult to do 4 lines with the same rhymes and sometimes the rhyming words seemed out of place, eg: prey, goat. The rhythm was a little out at places. I might have structured it like this:
Grandpa took me fishing
Just the other day.
We jumped into his boat
And headed for the bay.
This has two beats per line and the clear rhyming pattern stands out.
Well, you asked for our advice, and this was mine, but then a publisher thought it was more than OK, which is the most important thing. It would be interesting to know what others think as they may quite different ideas. The only other thing which I might have done is add a funny line to the end to give it a laugh. eg - They hauled in something strange - well, it would have to be a dinosaur or monster wouldn't it for the children of today - but to haul in an invisible fish would go down well with them, especially if you boast to grandpa about your success, which he can't see. Only my thoughts.
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Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 24th January 2008 | | Nice poem! You cheated a little with the rhyme, but it was very nice reading. Great atmosphere. | Thank you!
Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 24th January 2008 | Thank you both for your thoughts and advice. I'm glad you enjoyed the atmosphere, Fledermaus. I didn't mean to cheat. I acutally never even noticed it until you pointed it out. How silly of me.
Josie, you had a wonderful idea of what they could have caught rather than a fish, but my kids love to go fishing, and I thought the fisherman's tale is always a treat. I appreciate both of your time and comments. | Hi Beatrice
Written by jean.day (2279 comments posted) 14th June 2008 | I enjoyed this poem - because it brought back memoriesof my first times fishing as a child. And this weekend, my brother-in-law, who is a great fisherman, is taking his grandkids out fishing for the first time. He is so scared that if the wind blows too hard, it will put them off it for life - and he sure wouldn't want to do that.
I agree with Josie on the rhythym and stanza pattern, but I guess that is just what we are used to reading and hearing.
I liked the idea of the fishes tail overlapping the bucket. Presumably the fish was eaten - not really saved at all. |
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