This is my first story I have published on here, I'm not sure what catergory it should have gone under, I was only certain it wasn't poetry. I hope you enjoy it. It was also my first time using all the editing tools so forgive me if it doesn't look quite right. I'm looking forward to your comments
I don’t know why I picked up the book, the golden letters on its spine shone at me as soon as I walked into the library. I’ve never liked dinosaurs, and felt that young girls like me shouldn’t be interested in that sort of thing, but as I flicked through the pages, I got interested.
Obviously, I read the book from start to finish, from Allosaurus to Tyrannosaurus Rex. I turned the last page, my lungs filled with wonder. It was blank. I released my breath with disappointment, I stared at the page willing to learn more when suddenly, words started appearing. They looked as if they were written by an unseen hand, ink blotches appeared but in the end the words were as clear as a tropical ocean.
The dinosaurs will become extinct at 3.35pm today.
I hardly had time to gasp before I fell headfirst into the book. I shrunk through the pages flashes of dinosaurs appeared in the whiteness around me. Then as suddenly as it had begun I was standing in a field of flowering plants. Beech trees grew wildly around me, snakes slithered along with scaly reptiles, and dinosaurs, hundreds and hundreds of dinosaurs, grazed the long grass. I could see some of the types I had read about, but there were others too, the long neck of the Brachiosaurus stretched into the sky, Triceratops scratched their sharp horns against the rough bark of the trees and a Stegosaurus flushed its pink plates at other males.
I suddenly remembered what the book had said. I had been given a watch last week for my 15th birthday, I took a quick look at it then my eyes gazed back at the landscape expectantly. My watch had said it was 3.34pm, any second now the dinosaurs would become extinct, and I was going to be there to witness it. I looked at my watch and stared as the long hand struck at the 7, it was time, I scanned the atmosphere looking for the meteorite, I hoped I would survive it.
Nothing happened.
I sighed, something had to be wrong maybe I had changed history by coming here. I heard a buzzing noise by my ear and waved it away, it flew onto my nose and I let out a deafening sneeze. I sniffed and looked down, on the ground curled up in a puddle was the bug. It wasn’t moving.
One by one the dinosaurs fell, the ground shook under the force of the great beasts falling. Fear overtook as I scanned the cast landscape.
Suddenly I felt my feet lift from the ground, I blinked and was back in the library, the book lay resting on my knees. I wouldn’t have believed it had happened, if it wasn’t for the glare of sun that was fading from my eyes, or if I hadn’t looked down and saw the words disappearing from the page.
I hadn’t changed history, I had just made it.
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Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 24th January 2008 | I don’t know what to think about this. There are some very obvious grammatical issues (commas instead of full stops, commas instead of semicolons, etc.) as well as some untidy sentences (some of which are due to the punctuation issues).
“Obviously, I read the book from start to finish, from Allosaurus to Tyrannosaurus Rex.”
Why did you start your sentence with ‘obviously’? Who is it obvious to?
Besides, you obviously didn’t read the book from start to finish because you never got to Velociraptor, Xiphactinus and Zuniceratops.
Did I get the end of your story wrong or did you actually use H.G. Wells’ Martian “cure” to wipe out the dinosaurs? In the blink of an eye, no less!
If that is the case, surely the common cold would have wiped out all life on earth (if we are to accept the fact that creatures of the Cretaceous Period would have had no immunity) or no life at all (why would they not be immune to an earth based virus?).
I know that there is a theory that desease may have killed off the dinosaurs. A very deadly and contagious desease that could have circulated among the dinosaurs causing them to become extinct. But one sneeze and they all drop dead instantly!
Perhaps I’m expecting too much logic from a short fantasy story?
| Good imagination there.
Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 24th January 2008 | I think you did a great job even though as the reviewer above has said, there are some grammar issues. But I looked at your profile, and you are young. So don't be discouraged. Write on and realize the hardest thing about writing are the reviews. You have to be strong and take the critism with a grain of salt, as they say. If you can do that, you will learn as you go along.
Nobody can write a best seller without a lot of practice. Yes, practice, practice, practice. Imagine learning to play the piano. It takes years to learn all the scales, and be able to play without making mistakes. So it is with writing. You must be persistent, and love the process. The reviews are meant to be helpful, and not to put you down in any way, shape or form. So be encouraged, my dear. | ideas ideas ideas
Written by mad_uncle_jack (5 comments posted) 25th January 2008 | I think it's a bit pedantic to pick holes in the grammar here. This piece clearly started out with some good original core ideas, and so long as you have ideas and imagination, the rest will come. A good start - persevere  | Thanks
Written by LadyMoldwarp (6 comments posted) 25th January 2008 | Thanks for the critisism, I knew I wouldn't get it right first time, and the whole reason I joined this site was to learn how I can improve. It was just a bit of fantasy that came to my head so I didn't think It would have to be too realistic.
I will learn from these comments and hopefully my work will be better next time. Thanks. |
Written by Fledermaus (3301 comments posted) 25th January 2008 | Oooh. Your narrator wiped out the dinosaurs! I liked this a lot. When you called her a 'young girl' I imagined someone younger though. Don't most 15-year-old-girls consider themselves very big and grown-up? That's at least what I usually associate with teenagers (while with people in their twenties it's the other way around). But indeed way beyond dinosaur-age, unless she's going to be a paleontologist
There may be a few odd things with the lay-out, and perhaps the grammer, but as a foreigner I didn't spot that.
Very enjoyable, short and sweet. |
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 27th January 2008 | | Alice, your story was abolutely delightful. I'll bet your brother enjoyed this too as it is a subject dear to the hearts of children. I thought you tackled the story really well. I liked your title. I must tell you, though, that it is so very important to write in correct sentences, and to not make grammatical mistakes or spelling mistakes. I hope you are working hard at school with your English. You can't be a teacher with poor English. I think this should have gone in the children's section because children who come to this website to read would love this I have no doubt at all. |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 27th January 2008 | Pedantic to mention spelling and grammar! Are you being serious?
This site is called GREAT WRITING; surely spelling and grammar are an integral part of great writing.
Did you stop to think that there might be people who join this sight to learn? Young would-be writers will learn nothing from people who only want to pat each others backs.
I can only hope that when our younger members sit their English grammar exams, the board of examiners are not tooooo pedantic.
“I knew I wouldn't get it right first time, and the whole reason I joined this site was to learn how I can improve.” Good for you. I’m only too happy to offer help an advice (for what it’s worth) to people that want to learn.
Here are just a few examples of where you could polish this piece.
“I don’t know why I picked up the book, the golden letters on its spine shone at me as soon as I walked into the library.” This sentence just does not work.
You begin with a closed statement: I don’t know why I picked up the book.
Yet, after a comma, you continue with a further statement that is in effect a suggestion or supposition as to why you picked up the book: (perhaps it was because) the golden letters on its spine shone at me as soon as I walked into the library. So you went from not knowing why you picked up the book, to suggesting a possible reason why.
“I’ve never liked dinosaurs, and felt that young girls like me shouldn’t be interested in that sort of thing, but as I flicked through the pages, I got interested.”
I’ve never liked dinosaurs and felt that young girls like me shouldn’t be interested in that sort of thing, yet as I flicked through the pages I became interested.
Superfluous words: (Obviously) I read the book from start to finish - (They looked as if they were) written by an unseen hand, ink blotches appeared but in the end the words were as clear as a tropical ocean.
Written by some unseen hand, ink blotches appeared, forming words that were as clear as a tropical ocean.
No punctuation: I shrunk through the pages flashes of dinosaurs appeared in the whiteness around me.
(As) I shrunk through the pages (comma) flashes of dinosaurs appeared in the whiteness around me.
I shrunk through the pages (comma) flashes of dinosaurs (appearing) in the whiteness around me.
*
However, to suggest that this piece be confined to the children’s section devalues what is an interesting idea for a science fiction story. What you needed to do was establish the fact that your character was unwell when she fell through time (preferably with some nasty viral complaint!), rather than expecting your reader to accept that one sneeze caused by an annoying fly would lead to the extinction of dinosaurs.
Plenty to think about?
**
As I stepped through the doorway of the old school library, I never dreamt that my actions that day; seated within the hushed confines of four limestone walls, would set in motion a series of events that would change the very face of the world over which mankind exerts its dominion.
As I fell headlong through the pages, indistinct images shimmered in the whiteness before my questioning eyes. In time, the mists began to coalesce, forming shapes I could now clearly identify. Dinosaurs!
All the best,
Steve.
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Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 27th January 2008 | Welcome to GW, LadyM. From your profile I gather you're young - but no idea how young.
Steve offers good advice and it would be worth your while having a look at his suggestions. It's not often a reviewer is prepared to spend the time as he has. And contrary to one reviewer up there - never take reviews with a pinch of salt. Read them, think about them and then either take them on board or dismiss them.
It's not an original story - but not many are. Everyone has to start somewhere - and the imortant thing is - you've started. Some general points that struck me: slow your writing a little, always try to show the reader what is happening, don't tell, avoid the obvious - play around the edges of possibility.
Remember - all criticism is good - even if you don't agree with it - it makes yuo think about what you've written. You seem to have a good attitude - I look forward to reading your next piece.
Phil
BTW - I'm a teacher - are you sure that's what you want  |
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