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By DressedInPoetry
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25 January 2008 |
We had to write a poem with parallel structure, repeating a certain line over and over until it killed us.
Lives falling apart
Love just isn’t enough.
War breaking hearts
Love just isn’t enough.
Starvation and mutilation
Love just isn’t enough.
Depression and recession
Love just isn’t enough.
Perhaps this is just
The ramblings of a writer
Who has lost her faith.
Perhaps this is just
An attempt to convey
A feeling that haunts.
Perhaps it is the truth
That is the foundation
For every lie that we speak.
Love just isn’t enough.
It is too much.
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Written by blogbrush (33 comments posted) 24th January 2008 | | Nice couplet at the end, saves it from being a bit one dimensional. It'd be nice to see the first three images expanded on a bit... war starvation and depression are rather broad concerns. But then the whole poem seems to be drawn in broad strokes so perhaps that is the point. It's the last stanza that made it worth reading, definately. I think given that you were told you had to repeat a certain line over and over you have done a great job, particularly if someone else provided the line for you. The structure and pace were good also. |
Written by Amelia (58 comments posted) 24th January 2008 | I agree with blogbrush- this is a wonderful poem, but it is a bit broad. I think it would be more powerful if you used some personal, real-life examples, or even fictional ones. Use less broad terms and cliches, such as "lives falling apart." Maybe something more specific? Try to touch your reader in a familiar way. (just not too familiar, if you know what I mean.)
Sorry, I'm feeling absurdly silly right now.
Amelia |
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 25th January 2008 | Well, I don't think this is up to your usual standard, myself; although if it's a piece written 'on demand', rather than from the soul, then it's fine.
Bit of a problem with second stanza, because grammatically 'ramblings' is a plural noun following a singular 'this'. Don't see how you can change that, though, using 'these', unless you alter all three first lines of the three intermediate verses. And then you're on a wholesale rewrite!
Like the barb of the final couplet, though.
Pete |
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