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By sarahh
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25 January 2008 |
This is just a little poem, I can't really explain it, it was just what I felt at the time.
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They are trying to brainwash me. My head hurts, it's
telling me not to believe the expected. It's telling me
that it's all in my head that everything I believed is a
fraud and must not be toyed with.
They are trying to get to my heart. Tempting me with love,
and unjustly situations. "I won't have any part of it," I say
right before I puke the butterflies out of my stomach.
The beating of my heart is in common time, but it is a
little too common for me.
I foil their plans by going for a run to my impounded
car. There i break in and drive away. Far way where my
brain and heart will not be tempted with everyday problems
and hopeless love letters that only want the one thing.
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Written by fellpony (1652 comments posted) 26th January 2008 | A not unusual feeling at your age, Sarah. Quite an unusual take on it though - stealing back your means of escape. I used to dream of having the independence of transport myself when I was sixteen.
An odd word: I think "unjustly" situations should be simply "unjust", don't you? And do you mean us to pause after "it's all in my head"? if so, would a comma there be a good idea?
The line breaks are too arbitrary, for me. They don't support the sense in a lot of cases.
There are some nice glances, eg, "the beating of my heart is in common time" - but then you lose confidence and overdo it with a broken line and a cynical aside. Less is more, sometimes 
You may call this poetry ... in my book, it isn't yet; it's still prose that happens to be presented on different lines. |
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