Another little ditty for my father.
Thanks awfully for your faulty DNA,
your melancholic, misanthropic way,
the birthmark on my shin’s,
the hallmark of your sins,
signed,
Your ever so reluctant protégé.
Oli 25/01/08
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Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 25th January 2008 | | A bit pessimistic eh? I'm sure you must have inherited good things from him too. What about your poetic talent? |
Written by audrie (451 comments posted) 25th January 2008 | | parents are responsible for great joy and great sorrow, but we tend to survive it! | Larkin said it
Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 25th January 2008 | They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad.
They may not mean to, but they do ...
But it's awful when you look in the mirror and see your grannie looking back! | Come, come
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 25th January 2008 | | Wasn't there just one ounce of goodness? Just one ever so little bit? The answer is bound to be yes. I have to say that you put your unhappiness about the situation in a way to bring a smile to my face, and that's worth a lot after the remarks in the last poem. Thank you Oli. | Shin's
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 25th January 2008 | Oli,
We haven't met before, but your name has been lobbed at me as someone whose work I must view.
This is entirely because I have caused a few pints of blood to be pumped around a few ventricles rather more sharply than usual!
If you care to look at the current 'Limerick Parade' - a Sunday outing in Ireland, no doubt - something I wrote has caused a few hackles to rise.
Anyway, it's time for YOU to come into the firing line!
If you're writing poetry, prose - whatever - it isn't just enough to write down the idea. You have to punctuate it properly.
IF you are saying to your father that (using an apostrophe) "the birthmark on my shin's, the hallmark of your sins" - that means that 'the birthmark on my shin-is, (note the comma; shouldn't be there) the hallmark of your sins' - fine. (And that is what I think you intended).
ALTERNATIVELY, if you remove the apostrophe (and the comma, which should never have been there anyway), what you've written is: "the birthmark on my shins ARE the hallmark of your sins" - are/is plural/singular. In which case there should be no comma. (And IS becomes ARE).
This may sound like the most extreme nit-picking; but the two meanings are quite different.
I believe that these lines should correctly read:
"the birthmark on my shin's
the hallmark of your sins"
However, if you have two or more birthmarks, then:
"the birthmarks on my shins
are the hallmarks of your sins"
Kick me as far as you want; but do you understand?
PTV
For I am a sad, bedraggled, downtrodden believer in THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!
BY the way, fellpony is quoting Philip Larkin at you here - "they fuck you up, your mum and dad"
| PTV
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 26th January 2008 | What a diatribe to say that you think there shouldn't be a comma at the end of line three.
Glad also to hear that you are a campaigner for THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE as shouted in capitals. I am not so precious about it, and actually write quite a lot in Scots and in my local dialect which is a mix of both with other things added. I've even written hereon in Australian slang, and some Latin.
In my book there are no rights or wrongs with commas. You put a comma where you wish the reader to pause or breathe, or to affect the emphasis.
Punctuation is an art Pete, not a science. How sad to be rigid and dogmatic (comma) bordering on lingual fascism.
And why are you telling me about Sue's Larkin quote? Do you imagine that it was over my head???
My hackles are still firmly pasted to my back - but if this is representative of your other comments, I feel rather sad for you Pete.
Oli |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3352 comments posted) 26th January 2008 | For PTV - we know Fellpony was quoting Larkin,she said so in the opening banner and,also, PTV,this is a creative writing site we do know these things. Credit us all with a little intelligence and don't be in too much of a hurry to parade yours. You may just end up looking silly
For Oli
Remember DNA is not destiny it is the building blocks of life and you can choose to build new and better things with those blocks, it's up to you. Iv'e said more in a PM | A limerick Oli ?
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 26th January 2008 | This little effort ( little only in the sense of short , that is, because it has a deal of underlying meaning if one searches ) reads to the rhythm an meter of some limericks .
Or it does to my antipodeanly tripping tongue.
I toss you my decomposed and rewritten Chaucer's Miller's Tale to illustrate some of my versions of limerick rhythms and meters . I myself often tend to go along with the Young Man From Japan in the many scurrilous limericks i mentally compose almost daily .
And please ,you other readers , that is not a piece of self advertisement for that Chaucer poem
patterjack
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Written by Phil (6719 comments posted) 26th January 2008 | God, it's scary - the older we get the more we seem to fade from our own carefully constructed personas and appear more like our parents - despite conscious efforts to the contrary.
Jane may be right - DNA is only the building blocks - but eighteen years or more of nurture goes a long way.
Liked this, Oli. Simple, cutting but gentle too.
Never mind the commas, I want to know how you got those little accent things on top of your Es. Agreed, punctuation is an art. There's a world of difference between technically correct - if there is such a thing - and communication. Your work has never failed to communicate. While this isn't as complex as much of your work - as usual it connects specific experience or emotion to a wider significance to reach out and touch the reader.
Keep them coming.
Phil
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