Not too happy with this chapter, but I felt that if I would not continue it would, well, not continue...
When he came back from the supermarket, she was still sitting on the couch, ensconced between the cushions. She had wrapped the blanket around herself and there were a few of his comics on the side table.
The television screen cast its bluish glow into the room, while outside the skies grew darker.
He turned on the light and rummaged through one of the plastic bags.
" I'm back."
" Hm."
" And I've got something for you."
" For me?"
He handed her the parcel. It was wrapped up in colourful paper, but the size betrayed what it contained.
She carefully opened it and looked at the DVD.
" The latest season", he explained.
" Oh."
" I hoped it'd cheer you up a bit."
" Thanks."
" You don't like it?"
" I do, I do. It's just... I'm sorry. I just can't stop thinking about him and May."
" That's why I bought you that DVD, so you can bother about other people's problems instead of your own. Now what do you want to eat? Noodles or rice?"
" Rice..."She hesitated, " You're sure I can sleep in your bed for another night? I mean, you didn't sleep well on the couch, ah?"
" I can't send you away now, nor let you sleep on the couch. You'll sleep in my bed. Now I'm going to prepare dinner, OK?"
He put the groceries into the refrigerator and poured some water into the water cooker. It was not how he had been taught to prepare rice, but he thought it better to have the water boil first.
From the living room came the theme song of the soap-opera on the DVD he had just given her. He smiled. She was watching it already.
He lightened the fire and scooped some rice into a pan. A sharp tune interrupted him. He scanned the kitchen for his mobile.
" Hello!"
" Hi. It's Lin."
" Hi Lin..."
Again he didn't know what to say. His stepsister had been rather disappointed in her friend last night.
" I uhm... I called you because your sister doesn't answer her phone. Is she at your place?"
" Yes. Shall I call her."
" Uhm... Please?"
He looked through the doorway at the girl watching the television.
" It's Lin for you!"
" Tell her I'm not here."
" I already told her you are."
" I don't want to talk to her."
" I think she is sorry."
" She better is."
" You really don't want to talk to her?"
" No."
He placed the phone against his ear again.
" She is a bit busy right now."
" So I heard. Can you tell her I'm so incredibly sorry and I want to make up with her. She really needs me I think."
" Lin says she's sorry."
" Tell her she's too late!"
" She says you're too late."
" Tell her I was stupid."
" Lin says she was stupid."
" Yes, she is."
" This isn't going to work. I'm going to drop by after dinner, alright?"
" Well I'm not sure if she..."
" OK, see you in an hour then. Bye bye."
|
Written by bluecity (432 comments posted) 25th January 2008 |
You wrote "She had wrapped the blanket around herself"
You are creating a real teenager here, very accurately.
You wrote "So you can bother about other people's problems instead of your own."
Yes, how attractive other people's troubles are as a diversion, when we have troubles of our own!
And he was trying to feed her up too, with rice and noodles. Like a nervous and anxious mother!
I don't quite understand the domestic arrangements here. Clearly, the stepsister is staying with the stepbrother and has quite recently arrived. I presume that these unusual circumstances part of the story. As she is so newly arrived, I was a little surprised that Lin had the stepbrother's house phone number. Also, the conversation didn't sound quite right for a teenager. I would have expected Lin to gush more ("I'm reeeeeally worried about her. She's just not answering her phone.") but not to give out any details to the stepbrother (the apology I'm thinking of) to anyone "well old" - the stepbrother sounds 25+ (which is in the geriatric bracket for most kids).
Also, did you realise that you haven't mentioned the stepsister's name in the last 2 episodes? I have a thing about characters being named.
Thanks very much for your comments about Home Life. It's great to share a story you've written with someone else. It's also fascinating when others speculate as to what's going to happen next in the plot.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
Rosemary
|
HI Fledermaus
Written by jean.day (2361 comments posted) 26th January 2008 |
I was going to make the same comment as Rosemary did. I think you should always start off a new chapter with naming the characters, rather than just saying he and she.
It did sound quite realistic, the dialogue.
In one place where you talk about making rice, I wonder if you have got the wrong word.
Anyway, keep writing. We're enjoying it. |
Written by Fledermaus (3477 comments posted) 26th January 2008 |
Thanks Rosemary and Jean. Indeed they seem to be in need of names. Yet I have no idea yet. Well many ideas actually, but I can't choose. If I give the girl a Chinese name, I'd have to decide on the dialect, while I'm still trying to imagine where she is from.
I'm not sure about the age difference between the two. So much is still unclear yet. |
Written by Phil (6951 comments posted) 27th January 2008 |
lightened - lit?
The scope for sexual disaster gets ever bigger. This certaily has something. I agree with your comment in the intro - not your best writing - but you should just press on and see if this is going anywhere. You can come back, edit , trim, add etc later. If you get bogged down in that now - you'll never finish. The plot lines are really open now and you should have no trouble taking this down one of them.
I'm still not sure giving the characters a heavy Chinese accent is a good idea.
I'd certainly like to see more - so job one done. All you have to do as the writer is maintain that interest.
Phil. |
Written by Fledermaus (3477 comments posted) 27th January 2008 |
Hi Phil. Sexual disaster? I never said they had romantic feelings for each other  Yet perhaps they may, perhaps not...
They won't get a heavy accent. I already decided on that when I wrote this part. So no "wei!", but simply "hi!" when picking up the phone.
It's already longer than anything I have written so far... |
Written by Lizzy (827 comments posted) 30th January 2008 |
Some interesting points raised by other reviewers. I'm still intrigued by characters not seen and also the history of those we've met.
I do agree that this chapter needs a review but that can come later.
Lizzy |
Written by Fledermaus (3477 comments posted) 1st February 2008 |
Thanks Lizzy. Seems I have left open a lot of questions, but I'll try to answer them all  |
Getting Involved
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3557 comments posted) 14th February 2008 |
I've just read the first 3 chapters and I think this is probably your most commercial writing. It is certainly an easy read, quite visual in style and I like the idea that he is a bit of a comic book fantasist. You have created a lot of interest and curiosity but 3 chapters in you need to translate this into concern.We need to know a bit more about these characters if we are to bond with them. We don't even know their names yet. I like the relationship that seems to be building but at the moment we are having to guess at a lot of things. You're right to keep some things from us but but we do need to feel we are engaging with them
I like the dialogue it sounds realistic and adds to character. I think you could add more. This chapter needs a bit more structuring but I do think you are onto something with this story |
Written by Fledermaus (3477 comments posted) 15th February 2008 |
Thanks BBS.
I really appreciate your advice. At the moment I'm thinking of how to continue this, as until now I myself had to guess a lot of things too and made them up while writing. So hopefully I can introduce a little more structure in the next chapters. |
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