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By petetheverse
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26 January 2008 |
Having caused something of a furore here in the last 24 hours, and having castigated Talisker for punctuation, I have found one of his pieces - "Father's Hands" - which I had previously very much enjoyed; and which I had reviewed positively, I hope.
Reading it again, it put me in mind of this piece, written for my own father.
FATHER
A man of presence, stature;
Strong-necked, erect, broad-shouldered,
With a lifelong crewcut to his
White, distinguished hair.
Not for him the fads of fashion;
Always smart, dark-suited;
Perhaps severe;
With cotton in his blood
And a resolve of iron in his eyes.
His look
One that would quiet
The most mischievous.
But by contrast, in those eyes
Often shone his own
Especial glint of mischief;
A throwback to his youth
And carefree days?
In all our times together
My feelings when in his presence
Were those of awe.
And yet him I saw,
Head upon the table,
Weeping. And in that sudden shock
The dawning
That even he was frail.
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Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 26th January 2008 | I've read all of your postings but commented on little. The reason being, that while I've generally found nothing wrong in the delivery, I've generally found nothing special about the content. Your words often fail to make a connection with me or stir emotion. (Could be the way I read - could be the way you write - could be both) In this case I feel I have something to comment on in both aspects.
While the descriptive list that mostly makes up the first seven or so lines serves the purpose of describing your father accurately, quickly and giving the reader a good sense of your view of him - it does read a little like a list. Not sure how to express exactly what I'm getting at - not quite subtle enough is closer - but not right.
In terms of connection and emotion - this works pretty well - in the latter stages. Not, I suppose, an idea that's particularly original, but expressed in a way that draws the reader in and has some impact.
Phil | Truely unremarkable.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 26th January 2008 | Trite and inconsequential.
If you are going to ponce around slagging off the writers on this site, you are going to have to do better than this sentimental drivel yourself.
Slan! | Just what I deserve
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 27th January 2008 | Phil - thank you for responding. I take it on board - I have perceived this in the past to be weak, and this confirms it.
Gerard - and thank you, too. You are entirely correct about something that I am not in any way proud of - my very childish and impulsive comment about writers here; which, truly, was intended as a wry, cheap rhyme on the spur of the moment; and the consequences of which I shall probably endure for many years to come.
Deservedly so.
But I am honest enough to remain here at my post and suffer the slings and arrows so carefully drawn; and to apologise to the whole community for such a cheap slight on one and all.
And I shall endeavour to find work in my repertoire that may give me back a degree of standing.
Again, thank you for taking the trouble to write.
Regards to the pair of you,
Pete |
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