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By shoelace
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26 January 2008 |
keep reaching... like tantalus
im paying for my mistakes
immersed in a sea of doubt
my sanity dangling above me,
consistantly just beyond my reach
bubbles of thoughts toy with the idea of dying
which reminds me of jesus
maybe i can convince a small group of non-believers to believe
make them dip their spoons into an empty pot of hope
and feed the lost and starving masses
walk a beaten path from an empire of hate
and lay down my life to prove that sacrifice and choices are eternal
kind of like eve
i've given up the beauty of simplicity
and the blush of innocence
for a bite of the moment
french kissing the split tongue of temptation
and contracting the enigmatic disease of lust
i am one with the shame of exposed flesh
i could ask myself for forgiveness
and conquer the mythical beast of fear and guilt
the same way one would kill a basilisk
i must pause and introduce my fears to each other
fear of failing
meet fear of trying
fear of crying
meet fear of feeling
I must let fear see itself
the moment my fears face each other
in the mirrored moment
they will die of fright
and i will be notorious even if my past is ugly
like bukowski
i could take up smoking and drinking
stop shaving and start spitting
voluntarily and involuntarily have sex with random insanities
and write prolific stories
using foul words stenched with the scent of tobacco, alcohol and meaningless sweat
i could have my faithful friends enscribe things on my headstone like
don't try
but what fun would that be, to be anyone else;
i would miss another frustrating opportunity
to reach out and pluck a hopeful leaf off the tree of sanity
that is consistantly beyond my reach|
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 26th January 2008 | A little too full of ideas and references, for me. A lack of focus reflects the title, I guess, but deosn't make for a rewarding read. A case of less is more?
Phil |
Written by shoelace (4 comments posted) 26th January 2008 | | that was the point. | The point...
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 26th January 2008 | | What? An unrewarding read - or to create a sense of chaos to reflect insanity? If the latter, I think my point still stands. |
Written by shoelace (4 comments posted) 26th January 2008 | I definitely do not feel it to be an unrewarding read but Im the writer, so I guess that makes me biased.
Perhaps a class in history would assist you to better understand the relativity of the references within the writing.
I will add, that at times, though it is tough to read reviews that do not put the writer in a flattering light, I know this to be exactly what fuels the desire to become a more prolific writer. In that respect, I would typically thank another for the constructive criticism but in your case; I do not feel there was anything constructive about your review. It was cruel and perhaps even slightly chaotic in itself.
In addtion to the history class, you may consider a class in social conduct that would benefit not only you but the rest of us who are attempting to fine tune our skills, that are at the mercy of your completely bootless reviews.
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Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 26th January 2008 | For the love of god. How precious do we have to be about our writing? I acknowledged the lack of focus was there to reflect the title - I just don't think it works - it goes too far and detracts from the piece. That's just my opinion. It is critical - but it's not destructive. I even make a suggestion. I'll happily admit I may be wrong - but for goodness sake - it's not the end of the world. Perhaps my second comment was a little barbed. It was meant light heartedly.
So you are aware, there are other readers who are far more direct than I. In fact, I've been accused several times of being a little soft.
For the record - I don't think I need a history class, I got the references, I just thought there were too many. As for a class in social conduct - I made not one comment about the writer - but rather the work. You on the other hand, mainly address the reviewer and his supposed lack of education - both historical and social. I must be a little annoyed - I'm referring to myself in the third person.
Actually - you could enlighten me. 'Bootless' I didn't get. That's a new one on me.
Phil. | History ? Social conduct ?
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 26th January 2008 | By history do you mean references to a Greek myth , the Bible , and Bukowski ?
Or are you referring to your personal history with its problems ?
Social conduct ? despite your admission of bias I think your own social conduct could do with some refining . The reviewer remarked on what he saw as a lack of focus , and I personally doubt that the imitated style of the aforesaid Bukowski does help clarify your thinking .
To be prolific does not mean to be accomplished , by the way .
Whether you like it or not , your reply makes you sound like another pretentious brat who cannot really take any kind of criticism .
patterjack |
Written by shoelace (4 comments posted) 26th January 2008 | "The reviewer remarked on what he saw as a lack of focus , and I personally doubt that the imitated style of the aforesaid Bukowski does help clarify your thinking ."
Im a bit muddled by this-please elaborate. |
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