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Great Writing - Home > Comedy > the morning of the carnival...part 2
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Comedy
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| the morning of the carnival...part 2 | |
| By mad_uncle_jack | |||||
| 28 January 2008 | |||||
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this wont make a lot of sense to you, dear reader, if you havnt read 'the morning of the carnival' part 1. Essentially it is a rambling discussion between Hettie and Lettie Dalliard, 2 elderly Sisters who are serving tea from a stall on the village green. As the title would suggest, this is the morning of the annual spring carnival. ............. ‘I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that Leticia, but I can see you’re in one of your Contrary-Mary moods so I will say no more on the subject, except that you will come to regret leaving your vest off this morning, you know that you should never shed a clout before May is out!’ ‘Well if you’re right dear..’, Lettie adopted a more respectful tone, ‘…what shall we do?’
In the past couple of weeks, a further unwelcome whisper of scandal had gatecrashed the refined tearooms of Flatpack. Apparently, it was suggested, certain prominent Committee-members had received free samples of the ladies’ Dwarf Bilberry Spirit-lifter, and this had explained the sounds of hysterical laughter, communal singing and party-poppers that came from the town hall on the evening when the stall-allocation sub-committee sat. It was further intimated that there was a connection between the party atmosphere of the meeting, and the allocation of the much-sought-after prime pitch to the Sisters for an unprecedented 5th year. ‘We shall do, little Lettie, what we have done every Carnival day for the last ten years. We shall serve tea to our friends, and if the good Lord chooses to refresh us in his special way, we shall be thankful’ 11.51 am
The applause from the Parakeet car-park finally abated. Hettie looked at her watch, ‘A six minute ovation! The Mayor must have really pulled out the stops this year!’ ‘Hedley does make a lovely speech’ Lettie added ‘He’s a good speaker, I’ll grant you that, there aren’t many who could captivate an audience with a parsnip story’ ’Oh yes! The parsnip story – I must have heard it …ooh… twenty times, and it still makes me laugh!Do you think it’s true?’ ‘Of course it’s true! Our Mayor is an honest man…honest and descent…honest, descent and respectable…and sensible – always wears a vest you know, now you would never catch Hedley shedding a clout before…’
‘What can I get you dear?’ Lettie enquired A thin horizontal crack appeared in the chiselled melancholy face, from which a contrastingly jaunty voice responded…. ‘Dear Lady, refreshment is that which I crave, a cup that revives without intoxication, reminding of clippers on towering wave Calcutta to London, a drink for the nation ‘Come to afternoon tea served with crumpet and scone, around four of the clock’, read the Duchess’ invite ‘Remember your hat, mustn’t lower the tone, We will sit on the lawn if the weather is bright’ A Victorian Lady with Gentleman friend ‘A lump or a slice, prey what do you take? …and how is your Mother, is she on the mend?’ A pleasant exchange over Battenberg cake But clink the cup sides, slurp tea from the spoon or, (heaven forbid!), pour it into the saucer Place the spoon on the left, look up as you sip Point with your utensils, oh what could be coarser? A crime against England!!, you would rightly be tried And sentenced to hanging until nearly dead Then dragged through the streets, to a cart you’d be tied Insulted, beheaded and dismember-ed’ ‘…err, very nice Dear’ Lettie was unsure of the appropriate response, ‘…did you want a cup of tea?’ ‘A cuplet of tea? What a splendid idea On a day such as this one should take it with ice So much more refreshing than a pintlet of beer Though a drop of the strong stuff would also be nice ‘A cuplet of tea? Oh my dear, you’re a Saint! Delicious and Golden, and certain to quench a thirst that is making me feel rather faint So pour forth from the spout, oh benevolent wench’ Lettie was moderately offended at being referred to as a wench, albeit a benevolent one, but decided not to pursue her displeasure for fear of inspiring a further half-dozen verses, ‘after all…’ she considered as she poured , ‘…there are a limited number of words that rhyme with quench’. ‘There you are Dear, have this one on me’ Renston was overwhelmed…. ‘My dear I feel thankfulness beyond expression a tear in my eye is now blurring the view And do be assured of my utmost discretion…. If they hear there’s free tea, you will have such a queue! I think it was Nelson who uttered the words.. ‘Qui nullos capiunt, et te ergo….’ Hettie intervened forcefully, ‘That’s alright Dear, enjoy the day!...Next!’ ......to be continued
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