In a sensational investigative documentary this evening, Piers Morgan reveals that many celebrities could be cashing in on their notoriety purely for personal financial gain. The programme shockingly explains how The Spice Girls may not have reunited for the sole benefit of their fans, and that the autobiography of bimbo presenter Myleene Klass was not simply written to help women cope with the stresses of a normal pregnancy.
 

“The way talentless well-known people make millions by marketing pointless tat is criminal,” said the former tabloid editor, once accused of insider trading. “The only way to expose this scandal is for me to sit smugly and interview them about their latest merchandise in an expensive tropical location.”

The programme will air at 9 pm on ITV after the new series of Kitchen Bitchin’ in which Gordon Ramsay and Nigella Lawson spend an hour grilling each other, before finally coming together over their signatory dish of fucking coq au vin on a bed of succulent mature peaches.

2008 has also seen the launch of Nicholas van Hoogstraten’s ‘Monopoly’, where the entire range of squalid, uninhabitable properties is owned by an allegedly murderous landlord, and going directly to jail is considered the safest option. Any players refusing to cough up their exorbitant 5-figure rents on the Old Kent Road are made an offer they cannot refuse, available by dipping two fingers in Waterworks and sticking them firmly in the Electric Company.

In the US, manufacturers proudly announced that the new Hillary Clinton Crying Doll has been programmed to handle all possible future scandals by repeating the phrase “I did not have sex with that man”, before ultimately conceding “OK. But I never swallowed”.

Finally, the successful launch of the fragrance “Intimately Beckham” has spawned a range of similarly named products, including a chip fat-scented knuckle-duster, “Instinctively Prescott”, a divine hand cream, ‘Unforgettably Maradona”, and a royal pregnancy test kit, “Undeniably Hewitt”.