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Science Fiction and Fantasy
Fury (mod) caution: bad language!
By vixer805
01 February 2008
This is my first submission. Please rip it to shreds.
it dosen't end. it just stops where the flow ran out. It was intended as the beginning of a surreal sci/fi story, involving a gang of trans-dimensional psycho cyber bikers.
don't worry it starts off less daft.
NB i'm not and never (yet) have been a journalist. i wrote the lead as a journalist
just 'cos so many realistic characters are. Probably due to a lot of writers being journos.
i wrote this a while ago and reading it again recently, i think i've got some quality humourous moments. obviously it's my sense of humour; your thoughts please?

Josh Maxwell had been a journalist for four years, ever since he left Cardiff University. He'd been lucky to get a job as a news researcher with BBC Wales. He then moved on to research for a regional paper. It was far from the excitement he'd wished for, but jobs as foreign correspondents in war-torn wherever where hard to come by.

   It was late and all the usual crew had already left to sleep off their business lunches, so the editor came to Josh.
   "Maxwell," barked ED, who was old, fat, and dull enough to have gone into politics, but instead started a career in tabloid journalism because he couldn't hack the corruption.
   "Maxwell, you're not doing anything are ya." It wasn't a question, ED couldn't afford to question him, as he was still working past his log-out time, "You're s'pposed to be a trained journo, right." That wasn't a question either. "Some psycho's killed some people over in Maryston. Get your arse out there and check it out, yeah?"
   "Overtime?"
   "Yeah and a big promotion too." There was a definite edge of sarcasm.
   "Yes, Sir."
   "Details are on here." ED dumped the proffered sheet on the next desk.
   The Editor turned away and Josh turned back to his work.
   He got out to the crime-scene about an hour later, it had been a long drive over. There wasn't much left. He approached one of the two boys in rain spattered blue.
   "Hi, officers. I'm a reporter for The Journal, can you tell me anything."
   The one who was hunched forward over the railing vomited, vomited some more and then groaned weakly.
   "Can i quote you on that?"
   "You can fuck off." The other copper, the one who hadn't just splashed his dinner over Josh's shoes, seemed just a tad agitated, possibly a tad and a half. He was a nasty looking piece of work to begin with and the ghoulish pallor (which we assume for kindness sake was not the norm) did nothing to enhance the mans appeal.
   Josh wasn't entirely at ease, but he had a mission to accomplish, so he persisted. He first awkwardly hoiked his Press ID from his inside pocket and shielding himself with this made clear his intention to enter the crimescene. He decided to assume an air of authority, "I'll need to see someone in charge here.", -should have said command, -someone in command.
   The more upright of the police jerked his thumb toward the derelict appartment building, and then scampered off at a tangent and at the double.
    Josh peered through the enclosing darkness, blind from the harsh streetlight glare. The door had been smashed low down and forced aside. The lock had torn open. It was an old redbrick building derelict for a few years now and degraded to rain protected housing for the pigeons.
   Peering into the dark a chill breath caressed Josh's neck. He stepped forward blindly into absolute silence. His feet scraped across the gritty flooring. There was an unusual smell in the old room, blood. A cracked board let in a fine line of sodium light from the street outside. Josh stepped into the yellow slash and was dazzled, stepping back his foot struck something and he dropped to a low crouch to balance, fervently holding his hands above the invisible floor and the yielding obstruction.
   Faint noise drifted in and Josh rapidly got out. Out into the light, he looked at his hands, they were clean. He looked at the streetlight, harsh, ugly and yellow. He ducked under the police –crime scene- tape, and moved away.
   Josh recognised the Chief of Police, Manfred Caddy, from a previous encounter at a press release a month ago.
                                                     ...sorry that's the lot.

Reviews
Short but we can work with this
Written by John_O (139 comments posted) 28th February 2008
Hi V 
lets wield the axe frst shall we? Lose the lame intro paragraph, you have to draw the reader in, they don't want a CV, they want a story. 
So start with the second paragraph, much more promising material here. But, oh dear, you've stepped on a stock character mine - bullying editor - go back to the start. Why not make the editor a woman? An attractive woman, the sort who uses her looks to get what she wants done or maybe a soft spoken ex SAS man who could kill you with his little finger ? The possibilities for some different and more interesting character are endless, go for it. 
 
Next we need some more descriptive elements, Maryston, the arse end of the old industrial east of the town, full of ghosts of our glorious Victorian past and with only one industry still working fulltime, vice. Or it could be the nice end of town where you are poor if you only have one Mercedes, whatever you choose paint some of the details for us. 
 
Humour is a difficult thing, I'd leave it alone unless you want to write in the Douglas Adams mould and he is a tough act to follow. 
 
Final thought, write some more. Keep writing, and don't worry if you can't write the story sequentially. If you feel that you have an idea for a later chapter then go ahead and write it - it really can help you to build the story because you then have two chapters that need to be joined together and I find that an easier task than fighting to write a chapter that just won't gel. 
Good luck 
John_O
It works for me
Written by mia_ms_kim (971 comments posted) 9th March 2008
The story works for me. The characters, too. I found your humour funny. I liked ED, the police etc. If this was longer, and you have a real hook in the crime scene, I would read on.  
 
I found some expressions wanting and some adjectives superflous. eg. 'absolute silence' -> How about just 'silence'? smashed low down' -> just 'smashed down'? 
 
When Josh enters the crime scene, I found that I wasn't exactly seeing what Josh was seeing. Perhaps you can give us more psychological/physical effect on Josh to give us a clearer picture of what's happening. 
 
But on the whole I really liked your writing style. 
 
Mia

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