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Shaman

By vixer805

01 February 2008

Again it's a fragment. The one short piece that crystallised on paper (virtual paper)
from a much bigger sketchy idea. Again a beginning, this time a flashback to fill in key backstory and allow the lead character to get straight into the action.
i wanted to make the natural part of this story much realer, with much more natural environment detail than is usually in adventure stories. to teach/convey something about tracking, plants, wildlife to connect the reader to the natural world.
And still incorporate totem animals and the spirit world. maybe with another 10,000 words that might start to happen.
feel free to shred both the idea and the piece below, and deliver appropriate verbal.
cheers
jon/vixer

In the dream Vey Rotha strode through the forest, stooping here and there to read the sign of his prey. But even the most recent sign on the deer trail seemed to bring him no closer to his quarry. He travelled on, humming his hunting song, breathing deep the cool, early morning air still heavy with the last of the fast disappearing dew. Then his ears pricked, he crouched low and quiet, the monster black bear was seeking him again. And suddenly he was young and weak and afraid, as he had been when he first met Muravenn. The thick scent of the bear came to him, and it was close. Rotha spun searching for an escape, for a place to hide. There was nothing, he dropped to the ground behind a fallen bough and froze. As the sound of the approaching bear grew louder and more insistent Rotha twisted to peek through the bramble grown pine branch and saw the bear. Its great head swung on massive shoulders as it prowled along Rothas trail. Rothas suppressed trembling caused some small noise and the great bear bounded closer, gleaming eyes set on the small hunched figure cowering in terror, his wide eyes peering through the twigs and leaves. Rotha, crawling at first, backed off, unable yet to break away his gaze. And before him Muravenn, the great black bear, stood and looked him up and down, (the way Vey Reponsai had, once long ago, before Rotha became apprentice to the old shaman). Then Muravenn, the bear king spoke: “Human;” Muravenns eyes narrowed, and as he continued his lip curled, “boy, you have walked the wrong path this day. You are young, foolish and a trespasser in my domain. I shall eat your liver and make your carcase a wind-dancer, fastened between trees to warn others; never enter Muravenns kingdom uninvited.” Rising to full height, his roar shook the trees. After that all else was silence. Then they were running. Rothas lungs crushing his madly pounding heart. Ivy vines and brambles ripping at his feet. The entire forest a blur of jumping trunks and fallen branches against a floor and background of clashing greens and greys. And all in silence, broken now with growing rapidity by the snapping and crashing of the Bear Kings furious rampage. Down the slope they charged. Down toward the clear granite stream. Breaking through the last of the trees the ground underfoot changed from pine-needle litter to moss and gravel. Rotha found himself suddenly flat on his back, winded and stunned. He could hear the bear behind him. Upside-down he watched the bear shoulder through the low branches wrapping the rivers edge and rise to tower over him. Ten years on and across the veil of sleep Vey Rotha awoke in his lodge.

Reviews

Written by stevetroster (1430 comments posted) 26th February 2008

Hello vixer.

You need to have a look at your punctuation. There are passages crying out for commas, whilst there are far too many full stops in the wrong places and at the wrong time.

Taking one particular passage: “Then they were running. Rothas lungs crushing his madly pounding heart. Ivy vines and brambles ripping at his feet. The entire forest a blur of jumping trunks and fallen branches against a floor and background of clashing greens and greys. And all in silence, broken now with growing rapidity by the snapping and crashing of the Bear Kings furious rampage. Down the slope they charged. Down toward the clear granite stream.”

And laying it out the way in which it is written;

Rothas lungs crushing his madly pounding heart.
Ivy vines and brambles ripping at his feet.
The entire forest a blur of jumping trunks and fallen branches against a floor and background of clashing greens and greys.
And all in silence, broken now with growing rapidity by the snapping and crashing of the Bear Kings furious rampage.
Down toward the clear granite stream.

You have written a list of statements that do not form sentences in their own right.

However, change the punctuation and you get:
‘Then they were running; with Rothas lungs crushing his madly pounding heart and Ivy vines and brambles ripping at his feet, the entire forest a blur of jumping trunks and fallen branches against a floor and background of clashing greens and greys.’

Question: How can it be ‘And “all” in silence’ when it is ‘broken by snapping and crashing’?
Question: What is a clear granite stream?

A story about talking animals (Narnia, Golden Compass, Gulliver’s Travels, etc) will need to be not only different, but also well written, if it is to succeed.

Hope this helps a little,
Steve.

Paragraphs
Written by BedtimeStoryteller (93 comments posted) 11th March 2008

Good in places, but I agree with Steve about the punctuation etc. Plus, it needs to be broken into paragraphs.

Ian

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