I have started writing poems inspired by nature and by ancient pagan myths. Here's one written early this year where I am pruning a fairly newly-planted hedge but it seems to want to get its own back on me. I stole the metre from John Masefield's "Cargoes" and tried to make it sound like an incantation or a children's skipping game.
HEDGE WITCHERY
Blackthorn, quickthorn, guelder rose, and hazel
Dogwood, spindlewood, blackberry and maple
How many native trees can I make grow
Whippily, prettily in my hedgerow?
Snick snack secateurs pruning at an angle
Encouraging new laterals to stretch and tangle
Now, in the short days, before the sap is rising,
Ordering, controlling, restricting and revising
Blackthorn, quickthorn, guelder rose, and hazel
Dogwood, spindlewood, blackberry and maple.
Fat buds forming, waiting for the Spring to flow
Quickening, thickening, in my hedgerow
January chill doesn’t want me to linger
Sucking at a drop of blood on my finger
Red kites overhead, whistling and wheeling
Birds in the winterwoods, repeat with feeling
Blackthorn, quickthorn, guelder rose, and hazel
Dogwood, spindlewood, blackberry and maple
How many trees are letting their twigs grow
Wickedly, prickly, in my hedgerow?
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In My Hedgerow
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 1st February 2008 | Steve,
Wonderfully evocative; and very cleverly constructed.
From my memory of 'Cargoes' - which I don't have before me, so if I'm wrong, sorry - the driving rhythm goes through every four lines.
In your own piece, I think there may be a stress missing in each line where you use the repeating phrase ".... in my hedgerow"; or perhaps the stress is misplaced.
Can't quite fathom it.
You will know "Night Mail". This is very much in this canon - rhythmical, repetitive; and very much to be admired.
I LOVE the first line of the second stanza; in the next line perhaps 'to' might add to the rhythm before 'tangle'.
But I am carping where carping may be a phrase used in fishing; and shouldn't, probably, be used here!
I think this piece is probably 95% of the way there. A tiny bit of tweaking?
Recite it aloud, using a ruler to tap out the timing; this may be the most demeaning thing you can do! But it works, time and again!
REgards,
Pete
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Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 1st February 2008 | V,
Very sorry about this - I thought this was written by Steve, who's next door, so to speak.
Lovely piece.
PTV |
Written by Phil (6951 comments posted) 2nd February 2008 | I wouldn't know about incantations, but this has the unrelenting beat of a children's playground chant - so job done there. I liked the subtle change from first to last verse.
Phil |
Written by audrie (454 comments posted) 2nd February 2008 | I really liked this, and know from experience that those blackthorns get their own back every time you prune them.
Agree with Phil on the children's theme, I could also imagine a coven of witches dancing around in the garden! |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (746 comments posted) 2nd February 2008 | | Petetheverse - no need to apologise for commenting. I posted in the hope of getting some useful critques. Thank you! |
Written by Fledermaus (3476 comments posted) 2nd February 2008 | | Most pleasing to see a poem with a clear rhyme and stanzas. Flowed well and as Phil pointed out, it had a certain beat to it. Playground chants and ancient spells have much in common, so you got that across very well. | After many years ...
Written by patterjack (1429 comments posted) 2nd February 2008 | ... the reference to Cargoes brings back the chanting of primary children as they recited the poem -- with one teacher that I remember despairing of ever getting any feeling into the rendition !
Enjoyed this a lot -- and not just for the nostalgia-- it has a simple plot development as well as that choric effect
patterjack |
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