I haven't written poetry since my school days so decided to give it a go. Hopefully it doesn't go on for too long and I tried to make it rhyme too. Need to investigate if there are any rules to poetry.
Please let me know what you think, don't be shy! x
I fell for you the moment I saw you
You were too preoccupied to notice
Getting to the train on time
Was of utmost importance
It was obvious you had overslept
And you’re normally in pristine condition
But this morning you’re covered in stubble
And a cigarette is what you’re wishing
I try to stifle the laughter
As I knew this would happen eventually
You always leave at the last minute
And now look ridiculously melancholy
It’s winter time and freezing cold
You’re a gent and let me go on first
I look at you as we brush hands
My smirk is exposed and you think I’m nuts
You get a seat and you’re exasperated
Need music to calm you down
I hide behind the comfort of my book
And watch your permanent frown
You remind me so much of myself
I go in a huff too if I’m late
But give yourself more time tomorrow
So I can get courage to ask for a date
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you are there
Written by Warchild (5 comments posted) 2nd February 2008 |
| to write poetry you have to look at what is in the society which you are part of and use it to express you opinion in certain issues with the least of words . for me the most important tool is observation it works for me might work foy you. The poem is nice talks about a man and a woman. I want to give you a hint write about anything but let it have a bit of suspence let the brain work before one can see the message it is rewarding PEACE |
Decriptive
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 2nd February 2008 |
Hi,
Descriptive, but not, I supect, poetry.
There is much discussion on GW as to when prose moves over to become verse (which is only, imho, on the nursery slopes of poetry itself), and I fear this is prose in verse form.
But your writing produces imagery; and that cannot be bad, for you clearly have a flair.
Sorry if this is less than you hoped for,
Regards,
Pete
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Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 2nd February 2008 |
I'm not a poetry expert - far from it. There's an interesting narrative behind the structure you've imposed on yourself - but it is limited by the same. I wonder, if you wrote the narrative and worried less about form, what you might end up with. It very well may not be poetry - but would that matter?
Phil |
Written by hchamber (4 comments posted) 2nd February 2008 |
Thank you very much for your comments. To be honest I didn't really know if this was prose or not so that was why I put it into the poetry section. I know that I need to try and stay away from Scottish slang words and once I re-read the poem I thought that huff would've been the wrong word.
I wouldn't be as broad as Rabbie Burns, even I don't understand half his stuff so don't worry. Coming to think of it though, that could be a good assignment if I wrote something in broad Scots to see how it would be translated. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (595 comments posted) 2nd February 2008 |
This is very nearly in a formal metre. Especially the second verse. If you were to edit into a metrical form I think it would sound more wry and amusing and somewhat Betjeman-like. I love the subject matter and the general feel of the piece.
I would also like to hear some of your broad Scots! |
Written by fellpony (1580 comments posted) 3rd February 2008 |
This would make a nice short story; at the moment it reads like notes for one, and the form you are trying out is getting in the way of making the reader sit up and take notice. I think your idea for a story in broad Scots might be fun too - but just write it first, and only be consciously Scots in the editing, if you see what I mean. Poetry is a tough thing to get right, and to convey a lot with a few words as modern poetry must do is very hard indeed. I would not worry too much about form (poetry, prose, non fiction, script) until you have done a lot of practising in telling the tale in words - work on the reader, make some magic, and don't trouble about the label to stick on the work until later  |
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