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Crime and Thriller
The Dying Game - Chapter Three
By creaigtherave
03 February 2008
This is the third chapter of my novel.  Hope you enjoy.

Couldn't seem to get the formatting 'just right' this time, but should be ok.

Chapter 3


The hospital reception was busy with patients as a man with dark skin came in through the double doors. His presence went unnoticed amongst the bustle of patients, enabling him to enter a corridor and disappear as quickly as he arrived.

Soon he hurried past doors and an open staff room, where male nurses stood talking, oblivious. Then he turned down the next corridor, pausing before a supply room door. He tried the handle, and it clicked open.



In Malcolm's room a nervous looking Nina was helping him on with his clothes, but had to tear the leg on his trousers to get them on over his plaster cast. They still bore the bullet holes where an AK47 had nearly taken his life. He fastened the belt, wearing a shirt unbuttoned, his bare chest muscular with a tattoo of an Angel, and bandaging covered his stomach. Nina looked up at him as she finished fastening the laces on the single shoe he was able to wear.

"What is it?" he asked.

"You think badly of me, don't you?"

"Of course I don't. This wasn't a good time. Let's just get out of here, and then we'll talk."

Nina got up, hurrying over to one corner, and brought a wheel chair over.



The door to the supply room opened, and the dark skinned man re-appeared wearing a white coat. He then stopped a nurse as she left one room carrying a clip board, and he glanced to it as he spoke.

"Sorry, Nurse...which room would I find Malcolm Willis? They sent me over from across town. Dr Rollins asked me to assist."

"I see. Follow me." the Nurse replied.

"That's alright. I'll find my own way - just point me in the general direction."

The nurse eyed him up and down, "What did you say your name was again?"

The man looked down the corridor. It was temporarily lifeless.

"Oh fuck this." he said quietly, and then suddenly grabbed the nurse, twisting her arm up behind her back and clamping a hand over her mouth. The clip board made an inappropriate clatter on contact with the floor.


Two minutes later, the man came walking into another corridor, and saw a male nurse pass by. He didn't bother to exchange eye contact and proceeded on his way as the nurse returned a lingering stare. The man reached a door that was a little way open, and held up a clip board that detailed the morning's medication. Malcolm's name was written in biro, and the room number was 16. The man recognised the number on the door, and slowly pushed it open, at the same time discarding the clip board and pulling out a silenced 9mm from his jacket.

Two shots pierced the bed outlining a bulge under the covers. A third hit the pillow and feathers were sent floating into the air. The man stared at the bed in silence for a few seconds, and then approached; pulling the covers away to reveal two further pillows forming the shape of what he had thought was a body underneath. He had been tricked - and it was the oldest trick in the book - therefore buying Malcolm enough time to make good his escape.

 

*


An hour later a door opened in a large, well decorated office and the dark skinned man entered, loosening his tie as he did so. Then he stopped in mid stride as he saw a shorter man standing before a large plasma TV built into one oak-panelled wall.

"Donatello, excuse me. I didn't know you were here." the dark skinned man said, as he noticed a music video play; the sound muted.

The smaller man gave a deep sigh, then turned around to face his guest. They were both of Italian ethnicity, the taller man obviously sun tanned and clean shaven, the other over weight with slicked back hair and stubble about his chin.

"Close the door."

The taller man turned and closed the door before looking back.

"Donatello? What's wrong...you look troubled."

"Who am I, Vincent?" he asked.

The taller man frowned, "I don't understand. You are Donatello Concotti, sir."

"I am the head of this family but for my poor ailing Father. He is a dinosaur. This family is stuck in a time that has no meaning anymore. I could bring it into the modern age, where pride and respect don't just strike fear into our enemies, but mark us as the power we really are!"

"Sir?" Vincent added, puzzled by his Boss' outburst.

"Let me clarify. My Father thinks that hiding in the shadows and avoiding attention is the way forward. That will as easily seal our fate as anything else. I believe in honesty, I believe we are not here to hide and pretend like none of this exists. We didn't become what we are today from sneaking around. In the old country we would make our targets known!"

Donatello began to pace the floor as he spoke, "And that is why the action we have realised today, although at odds with what my great Father had wished, has ended this matter sharply. If he had had his way, Malcolm Willis would have died with nobody knowing about it. What respect is there in somebody just ‘disappearing'?"

"Er, Boss?"

"Hang on, I'm not finished. Now that Mr Leone has finally been avenged..."

"Boss!"

"Hold on I said!"

"But Boss...there's something I need to tell you!" Vincent insisted.

Donatello turned and looked at him sternly.

"What is it, Vincent?"

"He got away."

There was a brief silence.

"Sorry Vincent, can you repeat that?" - He paused, "Maybe I'm fuckin' Mongoloid or something...but did you just say ‘he got away'...?"

"Yes." Vincent replied regretfully.

"How can he just ‘get away', he couldn't even fuckin' walk!!"

"He was gone before I reached him. It looked like he snuck out."

"My God this is a fuckin' disaster!"

Vincent approached as if to offer some kind of comfort as his Boss turned and stared at the TV again. On screen a beautiful blonde in a swimming pool then caught a large beach ball.

"Get out of my sight." Donatello replied quietly.

Reviews
random boink
Written by vixer805 (22 comments posted) 21st February 2008
hey. just read chapters 2 and 3. this has potential and is very readable. more material might let me feedback something useful. the only adjustments i can suggest now are pretty nitpicky. 
 
nitpicks: father might have a capital if you're talking about jehova. otherwise lower case f. same for sister, brother, nurse. 
spelling - reckon not recon 
as far as i know feathers only float up from gunshot pillows in cartoons. this dosen't feel realistic. 
modern hospitals probably don't use feather pillows anyway. 
start of chapter 3- you could show more and tell less in this first paragraph. as it is, it's good. it could be great. 
there's mention of a nurse 'carrying a tray of medicine'. go with nurse. bin what she's doing, it's irrevelant and feels clunky. 
you've used the names Willis and Rollins. is this deliberately Bruce and Henry? what does this tell the reader? 
6 weeks is too long to be in hospital unconcious/waiting to be whacked. is this really necessary for Malcolms injuries? 
 
major gripe: i really didn't like Nina trying to boink Malcolm. unless there's a significant reason for this (and a good one- so it makes sense) bin it. 
i really liked chapter 1 with it's noir feel. in 2 and 3 the changes of POV and loss of Malcolms internal dialogue reduced the emphasis on Malcolm and broke up the emotional flow. could the reader be made aware of the info revealed in 2 and 3 by a hospitalised malcolm discovering info from his hospital bed, during his 6 week layup?
Thanks for your feedback, vixer805
Written by creaigtherave (24 comments posted) 23rd February 2008
Very greatful for your comments...pls keep reading as I'll be posting more chapters. 
 
I've decided to move the second part of chapter 1 to the beginning, and agree it works better as a hook for the reader. This story does need work, and am in the process of editting the whole manuscript. 
 
I often write to create an image in the readers head that is not necesarrily total realism...more cinematic perhaps. I know this may sound like I should be writing screenplays...but then I couldn't have as much detail that way. 
 
The feathers bit is more a referrence to a movie-like moment: I pictured the feathers floating in the air as the hitman discovered he'd been tricked. I tried to enhance the moment this way. 
 
Your comment on capitalisation of Father, Nurse, Sister etc was more out of not knowing if they should be capital or not. I've corrected this now. 
 
The nurse attempting to 'boink' Malcolm has a point...but to say what it is at this stage, would spoil things.
bigscreen
Written by vixer805 (22 comments posted) 24th February 2008
yo. just read chapter 4. 
i had a thought earlier about screenplay style and meant to include it my previous review. (of course it immediately fell out of my head). 
 
my previous comments on loss of film noir feel/emotional flow are unfair in light of the larger context of the story. please disregard. 
 
happy boinking :p

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