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Poetry
Way
Written by fellpony
03 February 2008
Once, walking hooves defined the old drove road;
white lines control it now. This empty house
served ale to rogues and highwaymen. Like them
its guts have rotted to bare bony spars,
a gallows clattering in the western gales.

The hamlet served the traveller. No-one now
remembers the foul dust of summer days,
the blackened mud of winter churned by droves
of cattle, channelled to their final end
in towns far south of here. Schoolhouse and school
long closed, the children of this stony land
are gone too. Motorway and rail slide smooth
as easy promises between the hills.

Raw nettles crowd in sheaves around a farm
whose sagging beams and slipping green slate roof
lean inward over floorboards scoured by rain.
Here she was shackled to her father's life,
where she fed stock and mended crumbling walls,
till middle age weighed down her dancing feet;
saw the world pass her by, saw love denied,
and poverty creep closer year by year,
to steal the final feathers from her wings.

She walked away into a summer dawn
and saw and did not see the shining day.
She left the gate unlatched, and took the steps
that led down to the line; she looked along
and waited for the trembling of the steel,
the beating wheels of the express; the hiss,
the rush of air, on which she leaned, and flew.

Reviews

Written by Veronica_Milvus (706 comments posted) 3rd February 2008
Excellent! Geat story, great pentameter. If I could suggest a couple of tweaks: "saw the world pass by" would fit the metre better than "saw the world pass her by", if that doesn't change the sense too much, and you talk about the railway line being above the fields but then she goes down to the line. 
 
I like the bare bony spars, the slipping green slate roof, and the final three lines are very beautifully done - literally, a killer ending!

Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 3rd February 2008
v3? 
 
Love it. 
 
Phil

Written by fellpony (1658 comments posted) 3rd February 2008
Thank you VM - however I will not alter the reference to "seeing the world passing her by" - because "seeing the world passing by" is not the same thing, one implies loneliness, the other busy-ness. But I have changed "above" to "across". The actual hamlet I am thinking of is in a valley with the railway running in a cutting towards the top of the brow, but without saying all that detail it's simpler to change the one word. 
 
V4, actually, Phil!
And no doubt more to go ?
Written by patterjack (1328 comments posted) 3rd February 2008
Improving and improving as you work it from something good to something outstandingly good  
 
patterjack 
 
(Guts is a very strong word -- possibly a bit too strong among the other pictures painted ?) 
 

Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 3rd February 2008
FP, 
I really, really like this - there are so many beautiful pictures you have painted here - rogues, highwaymen, gallows - cattle channelled to their final end - 'slide smooth as easy promises'; what a phrase - 'steal the final feathers from her wings'. 
Tremendous. 
A terrific piece. 
PTV

Written by fellpony (1658 comments posted) 4th February 2008
Thanks PTV - the phrase 'slide smooth as easy promises' came as a result of a rethink due to VM's observation :) 
 
Before anyone asks, the woman's situation in the poem is a composite of several rural suicides of which I know (most of them men).
hi Fellpony
Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 4th February 2008
excellent "storypoem" great visuals,bravo. 
Bernie

Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 4th February 2008
Very well delivered. Set the scene well indeed.
Thanks
Written by fellpony (1658 comments posted) 5th February 2008
Bernie, ron - glad it strikes the mark. I don't think I will be reading it at any local poetry evenings though - being a composite, someone from a neighbouring village is sure to tell me that the tale does not fit the one (real) woman who might well be indentified with it.

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