Hi all
This is a uncomplete and a draft piece of work. Critique it please
Twilight Desert:
Tale of the Arabian Star
Chapter 1
A young traveller riding across the vast desert felt the sun cool the heavens, as it slowly descends upon the horizon, the twinkle of a star and the face of the crescent moon in the heavens revealing them that dusk is fast approaching. The young traveller has an entourage escorting him. The young rider and his followers rode their way towards a large structure in distance. As they made their way towards the large structure, it became clearer in the last of what was left of the light, to reveal: a 30ft stone wall made of solid sand blocks. Crafted and placed carefully not to leave any spacing between the sand blocks so they form a solid mass and can not be breached easily. In the centre of this wall is a 24ft archway. On both side of the archway there are bronze writings in Arabic and it says:
‘May you bring peace and prosperity, but bring good will to those who are in need of it and support those you love and trust’.
The young rider and his followers rode on, passed the archway and into the main street that stretched a long way, passed the market place that where on both sides of the path where traders and merchants set up stall, people buying and selling, haggling for better prices on items they wish to buy, fruit stalls selling what seems to be fruits from ‘other’ places that have not been discovered.
“Come now, you can tell this fruit has a taste and smell that is not common around here” said one fruit seller to a middle aged woman who is sniffing the fruit in one hand and a little child holding her hand in the other. The young rider smiled at this remark as he rode on with his followers. They were heading towards a building. A building whose splendour can not be compared other than the holy mosque that stands in the centre of the city. The palace built out of white stone, has a large domed roof with Quran inscriptions around the base of the dome, arch windows, marbled floors, pillars that are archways in the buildings, has 2 spacious gardens each with fountains and flowers made up of tulips& hyacinth, 2 large courtyard, small pavilions are made in to rooms for the royal family that has view of the gardens and city, satin and silk cushions and other comfortable furniture, the reception room has arabesque paintings & connects to both of the two gardens, the throne room is a large room, a platform with a throne sofa, behind the throne sofa is a wall with Quran inscriptions on a large tile, stables for the royal families horses that are looked after by the royal stable attendants in the lower levels. The young rider and his followers made their way in to the palace grounds where they were met by the palace guards & attendants
“My prince you have returned how goes your journey?” asked one of the Princes loyal attendant
“Tiring, stubborn overall not well, where is my father?” asked the young Prince removing a dark blue cloth that covered his nose and mouth but left his eyes visible
“He has retired to his chambers after a gruelling training schedule with your brother just before you arrived” replied the attendant
“Very well Aziz you may go…and here for your troubles” said the Prince as he turned to head in to the palace and threw something in to Aziz unexpected hands
“My Prince I-I cannot accept this, it is too generous”
“Please, do so you have been my father’s loyal attendant for many years now and besides it will help your sister’s family from the rut their in”
“You are too generous”
“No, your words are too kind”. With that the prince made his way in.
Upon arriving from his long and arduous journey, the young prince was in the reception room and was met by several of the palace attendants, when he heard a yell
“Karim your back!” a young girl who is 12 years old came running across from where the gardens are, came to great her older brother in the reception area. The young girl has a platted hair that comes over her left shoulder with a wiqaya (a band that holds the hair in place), wearing a full set pink coloured chemise with topaz stud going across the neck and a pair of sandals with small studs going across the front.
“Zahrah, where is father?” asked Karim while hugging his little sister and parting gently
“He’s at the courtyard with Malik and Fahad” said the little girl while staring at him with her brown eyes.
“Okay” and headed off towards the courtyard. The sounds of clashing metal and cheering from a roaches group of men circling two people, as one swordsman swayed from left to right from his opponent thrust from his sword and to block his attackers every swing from his sword, again the attacker made a swing for the defender left shoulder with his sword, but like as if he was anticipating this move, he blocked it with his sword while holding it with only a single hand and threw off the attackers efforts with a smile on his face. The defender held his ground surprisingly with ease and let his attacker carry on; the solider went for a fatal slice across the abdomen, the defender parried with his sword, then a quick thrust, but the defender judged accordingly and span on the spot, to avoid the thrust coming his way and held the blade next to his opponent neck
“You yield yet?”
“Enough Malik” said Fahad
“Yes father” replied Malik as he drew his sword away and sheathed it
“I see training went well then,” said Karim as he approached his father and twin brother. The twins are identical in appreance but Malik: being the older and taller of the two
“Care to trade? little brother” asked Malik
“I think I’ll pass” replied Karim
“Ah what pity, between the two of us I think we could have shown the soldiers how to fight with skill”
“Malik do not undermine the soldiers confidence, as I have told you before” said his father
“Why don’t you and prince Karim show us how to fight then?” asked a solider to Malik and the others cheered with agreement
“Come Brother, let’s show them”
“Fine” replied Karim. And the two began to duel. Each blow came crashing down, but like they can read each other mind, they knew how to block each others moves, twists and twirls and turns came with each blow defending and attacking each other, neither one giving an inch to each other in their spar, as they fought as equals, with each swing came increasingly frustrations as each one dodged each others swing, blocking at the right moment, till finally a clatter of sword falling and Karim was on the floor in a sitting position and his brother standing over him with his sword pointing directly at him
“You misjudged that last twirl my brother,” said Malik still standing over his brother
“Yeah, well you were always stronger than me as you are older” replied Karim still sitting on the floor
“Age has got nothing to do with it, you are just weak”
“That’s enough Malik!”
“Sorry father” smirked at Karim and walked off to the palace
“Are you alright Karim?” asked his father while helping him up to his feet
“Yes father, I can’t beat him you know, he’s too strong”
“Malik relies too much on physical strength alone, but you my son have a different strength to his”
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Just a quick comment Written by AmeliaWonderland (22 comments posted) 23rd February 2008 | | In your opening you are switching between the past and present tense. It would be better to choose one and stick to it throughout the whole piece. | Written by stevetroster (1599 comments posted) 23rd February 2008 | Yes, you need to sort the tense out. E.G. felt the sun - descends. Should be either ‘Feels the sun, and, descends’ or ‘felt the sun, and, descended’. The idea of ‘the sun cooling the heavens’ is a strange one, although given that you seem to have a lot of missing words, I wonder if it should be: “Felt the sun cool IN the heavens”? This doesn’t make sense: The twinkle of a star and the face of the crescent moon in the heavens revealing them that dusk is fast approaching. “Revealing them?” Revealing TO them? The idea of a star and a crescent moon heralding the arrival of dusk seems quite bizarre, as it is not uncommon to see the moon during daytime. However, you have just told us that the sun was descending upon the horizon, which might be the bigger hint that dusk will soon arrive. I’m afraid that I only got this far through your story: A young traveller riding across the vast desert felt the sun cool the heavens, as it slowly descends upon the horizon, the twinkle of a star and the face of the crescent moon in the heavens revealing them that dusk is fast approaching. The young traveller has an entourage escorting him. The young rider and his followers rode their way towards a large structure in distance. As they made their way towards the large structure, it became clearer in the last of what was left of the light, to reveal: a 30ft stone wall made of solid sand blocks. Crafted and placed carefully not to leave any spacing between the sand blocks so they form a solid mass and can not be breached easily. Yet within this small section we are told three times that he is either a ‘young traveller’ or a ‘young rider’, we are told twice about a large structure, and we are also told that it is seen in the last of what is left (one or the other would suffice). As well as adding some missing words, your story needs a good edit for superfluous words. You would also do well to look for different and better ways to express yourself. Hope this helps a little, all the best, Steve.
| Keep writing Written by BedtimeStoryteller (105 comments posted) 12th March 2008 | Hi, I've read all of your story, and you might hate me for this, but here goes: Good title, and a good start to a story but - perhaps because English is not your first language - your writing leaves a LOT to be desired. You constantly mix past and present tense, e.g. ‘felt the sun…’ past tense, ‘descends upon the heavens…’ present tense. I found, ‘felt the sun cool the heavens…’ confusing. There is unnecessary repetition about riding towards the large structure. Using English measurement, to describe something in the Arabian Desert, may be okay, but to me it doesn’t seem right. Then your descriptions of the building, inside and out, read like something from an estate agent’s brochure and, in any case, should not include the indoor descriptions until your subject has actually gets inside. Plus, the dialogue doesn’t sound realistic, and there are basic mistakes, like using ‘their’ when you mean ‘they’re (short for they are) and ‘your’ for ‘you’re’ (you are). Also: what’s a roaches group of men? Sorry to be harsh, but I’m only trying to help. My advice would be twofold: read every novel you can lay your hands on, and hone your writing skills by writing a few short stories. But don't be put off – keep writing. Ian Guiseley, UK | Written by Snow-Bear (9 comments posted) 14th March 2008 | Sorry about the late reply guys. Bedtime, no i don't hate you for giving me advise. the dialogue doesn't come off as realistic as it should have, going to have to work on that. in short it needs a over-haul from top to bottom. the building being described actually exisits, just made some slight modifications to it, as for roaches men it meant to say Raucous bad spelling mistake there. 'Their' is a possesive term used to describe a person who has a personel item/effect that belongs to them. Am not put off, just this story is more of a headache than i actually realised. |
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