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Poetry
Absense
By margarita
05 February 2008
the sophistiocated philistine walked clumsily along the ridge....
mountainous in her views, her aspects glaring at the sun right in the eye.
The eagles soared above pretending to mind their own business
Just as she delved into her own pretence:
She did not notice the gaping absense,
As this was just the beginning, surely there could be no vulnerable tenderness.
She had been perched up here too long, she's craggy and shifty.
Although cracks are appearing in her hardline history...
This strange tingle of giddiness, this darting interest
That doesn't seem to notice anything but-
The absense....
Unitchable itch, sleepless nights when the senses are far too alert
When the absense is strongest
When almost ashamed and definitely aghast to say it:
The undefined lover has caught her heart.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 5th February 2008
Not off to a good start when the title is misspelled. An odd mix of tenses. Lower case first word. Not sure why: 'sophisticated Philistine.' The content seems a little confused and unfocused. Perhaps I'm missing something. 
 
It does seem a little careless. 
 
Sorry. 
 
While I realise this response offers little in the way of constructive advice - it's because I'm not too sure exactly what you are trying to get across. I suppose the one thing I can offer is that all writers should have a consideration ofthe reader at the forefront of their mind. 
 
Phil 

Written by audrie (454 comments posted) 6th February 2008
I'm afraid I'm with Phil on this. I don't understand what you are trying to say.

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