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I could take care of you, I could set you free.
From the pain you have within and the struggles
that only can be seen through the eyes of catastrophy.
I can heal you, just let me in and I can fix you up.
The world you live in is beautiful you just have to see,
open your mouth and sing the words you feel inside.
Let it out, let me listen to the song that needs to be.
The tune of the unfair life that you can't depart from.
Mistakes are only mistakes if you learn from the inaccuracy,
let the lessons of life fill your mind and learn from the corruption.
You metamorph into a pillar of salt, even as I aplee, let it be
you shut me out like a begging stranger, I want to be there.
But if thats how you want it, thats what you get, melancholy.
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Yes. Well...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 6th February 2008 | Frankly I'd contact the Samaritans. You can find them in the Phone Book. They are very good and very understanding. Also it saves you having to sick up contrived trot like this. And also everyone else from having to read it.
Slan! | Yes. Well...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 6th February 2008 | Frankly I'd contact the Samaritans. You can find them in the Phone Book. They are very good and very understanding. Also it saves you having to sick up contrived trot like this. And also everyone else from having to read it.
Slan! | Oh,
Written by audrie (454 comments posted) 6th February 2008 | hard-hearted one, gerard! Weren't you ever young and pining from unrequited love?
Incidentally, as in your last poem, the line three from the end has a typo or a word I don't know. Aplee? |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (704 comments posted) 6th February 2008 | Gerard - as a more practiced poet, what advice would you give to people who want to learn to write good poetry especially on highly emotionally charged subjects like this?
I know what I would tell them, (including an element of "less is more") but I am just a beginner. It would be more useful coming from you. | hmm
Written by sarahh (18 comments posted) 6th February 2008 | Thanks for the comment gerard
i wrote this poem in five minutes.
what can i do to make it better? |
Written by Matthiasrising (32 comments posted) 6th February 2008 | Completely ignoring other comments.
Very wordy, but I liked the end rhyme.
"You metamorph into a pillar of salt" was my favorite line.
Use more imagery, trim it down. Good message nonetheless |
Written by fellpony (1652 comments posted) 7th February 2008 | "i wrote this poem in five minutes.
what can i do to make it better?"
I think the answer lies in what you wrote above. Poetry is refined thought expressed in precisely chosen words. This does not happen in five minutes unless you are writing haiku, and even then only after you have gained skill through much practice and time spent on previous efforts.
Do you read other people's published poetry? (not just the unmoderated, unedited stuff on an internet site such as this.) Reading what good poets and editors have considered worth publication is a good route to understanding forms and ways of expressing thoughts. | OK.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 15th February 2008 | Quite right, Sue.
I am no poet. I can manage verse at best. But bugger poets.Yes; just bugger them for pouring out drivel in the name of communication. God save us all from them and from their excruciating, adolescent pretentiousness. No matter. I can, however, recognise good writers.
Take a screw of Talisker; Patterjack; Gutterkitty; Hutmaster; and No1butClo; and usually Fellpony.You will get the feel for how poetry should be produced; how poetry should feel; and most important of all, how poetry should be expressed.
Slan!
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