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By Butterfly
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06 February 2008 |
This is something that I would like to expand upon, but I'm not quite sure where to start. I do actually think it is okay as it is, but the subject matter is one close to my heart, and so I would like to do more with it. Hope you like.
Kimberly stared into the bathroom mirror, examining every detail of her face. She could see where all the old bruises had begun to fade away, and also where the new ones had begun to form.
Her light brown hair was messy and short, most of it clogged with her own dried blood and shattered pieces of the glass bottle he had hit her with. Her bottom lip was cut deeply, looked bruised and sore, but was not as bad as it could have been. Her chocolate brown eyes looked sad and red, swollen mostly from crying. This time she hadn't recieved a black eye, and the two-week old one was barely noticeable.
The house was quiet and still, she was alone now, but Kimberly didn't feel safe enough to unlock the bathroom door. She decided to run herself a bath, her body was bloody and dirty, her aches and pains screaming at her to rest.
Almost as though she was in a trance, Kimberly kept her eyes on her reflection as she slowly undressed. With each layer removed, her body felt so much lighter. Her skin looked deathly pale, with various parts representing the many colours of the rainbow. The bruises on her arms and legs had become familiar, the shock of seeing the severity of them had long worn off. The only pain she felt was a dull ache in the bottom of her stomach everytime Curt raised his fist to her.
A tear escaped and rolled onto her cheek, as she looked at the naked, frail woman standing in the mirror. Six months ago, she would never have recognised her reflection. The woman in the mirror was a shadow of her former self; a shell. The eyes that were once happy and full of life, were now sad and had lost their sparkle. The mouth that had once spoken with a smile, was now a permanent frown, cut and swollen. Her arms and legs bore scratches and bruises, her neck still showed the handmarks made when he tried to strangle her. Her hands trembled as she tucked a long strand of brown hair behind her ear. Her eyes caught the glint of her wedding ring, which once symbolised more than this life of abuse.
Kimberly climbed into the bath carefully and laid down, not caring that the water was burning her skin. She closed her eyes, and tried to imagine how she was going to get through another day.
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Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 6th February 2008 | It's a pretty well written scene - if a little direct. You say you want to do more with it. There's loads of scope here for an extended story. If you placed this scene in a longer narrative, it would allow you to take a little more time - I felt this was a little to concentrated. I'd be interested to see moreof this.
Phil |
Written by Fledermaus (3301 comments posted) 7th February 2008 | Very well delivered. I agree with Phil, a lot you can do with this, even though on its own it's already a strong piece. Direct yes, but not so direct that it becomes a report, as you do allow the reader a glimpse into the woman's thoughts.
So go on. Tell us why she stuck with that guy, for that's one of the things I can't understand: Why a woman would stay with an abusive husband... | Hey
Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 8th February 2008 | Hmm, i think both the reviews that you've got are bang on. There is so much more you can do here. You could begin with saying how did it all come about, and what are the problems both of them are facing, what kind of a person the man and woman are, their personalities and things like that. Start writing....would like to see more...
Regards,
TT |
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