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Ode to Tomorrow [Revised] |
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By ellydawn
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07 February 2008 |
I'm not really sure about this one - written in 15 minutes....I thought I had a poem that wanted to get out - but it wasn't this one!
Today has a funny taste
and it smells queer, too
and I keep having to
move the aerial and
twiddle with the knobs.
I think today must have
his flies down because
yesterday and tomorrow
keep falling on my head
and it’s really
terribly inconvenient.
I'm taking today
back to the shop
and if I can't have
a refund, then I'll
swap it for tomorrow.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 7th February 2008 | I liked the first two lines but there were to many mixed metaphors and lost any coherence. The original direction was a good one.
Probably not a good idea to tell us how little time you spent on the work if you are asking us to spend some of ours on it. | Thanks
Written by ellydawn (3 comments posted) 7th February 2008 | Hi
Thanks for your review. Yes, I would agree with you about the loss of coherence, and I would like to work on this more, so I would consider it a poem under review.
I'm grateful that you spent some time reading it, though you weren't obliged too! The only reason I indicated the time taken was to hopefully intimate the raw nature of the poem and to invite some guidance.
I apologise if this message was not fully conveyed to you. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 7th February 2008 | | OK fair enough, understood.It's a work in progress |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 7th February 2008 | Nice idea - but as with BBS - too many metaphors. Perhaps better to develop one a little more thoroughly. I like the first two lines too. Perhaps expand on the senses?
This had a slightly old ma'am trying to be amusing tone to it. Don't know if that was what you were after.
An observation - this doesn't seem to carry any rhythm, pulse, beat, whatever. Even free verse should have a little lilt?
Phil |
Written by fellpony (1616 comments posted) 8th February 2008 | I must be getting old (ref to Phil's remark here) because I did find this funny. Surreal and (yes) a bit silly, but funny nonetheless.
 I'll get me coat. |
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