Quicklinks:
Short S. | Poetry | Not News | Scripts | Comedy | Non-Fiction | SF | Crime | For Kids | Extended | Village
Great Writing - Home > Poetry > Ribbons
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 2165 guests online and 5 members online
Poetry
print friendly version     
Ribbons
By francoise
08 February 2008

I'm back!
Heres my first effort after almost a year.
Its about mother-daughter relationships, cultural belief systems and superstitions, and growing up in the middle of it all.


I had a jar of satin ribbons
frayed tongues of the rainbow,
Hair oil and a comb- a girl's treasure.

All mothers would spread its net
across lakes of growing hair,
Comb it every morning before school,

Till it bled black-
Till it spoke and spat of colour-
Till it smelled of a distant island.

Anchored down by two red ribbons,
on the glass bed I saw a fat pearl
Glaring back at me. One eyed and lost

Mothers warn against this third eye.
They say it can see every part of you
Even if you try to hide it well.

A black snake hangs down my shoulder,
Red tongue against bitten skin.
I can't tell her. I saw what it saw.

Reviews
Back and welcome
Written by patterjack (1433 comments posted) 8th February 2008
You bring your own special imagery and expression tthat is both fascinating and in some ways impenetrable to this male mind , but which draws me back to your work often. 
 
A strong expression of those cultural and family differences 
 
one nitpick -- the it /it's problem  
 
Glad you have returned 
 
patterjack

Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 8th February 2008
Liked this, Fran - especially the third. Not much to add to PJ. 
 
Welcome back. 
 
Phil

Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 9th February 2008
Thanks for the comments. It'a very encouraging! 
Punctuation has been my weak point in poetry. It's more laziness than anything else. I do need a verbal slap on the hand every now and then. 
 
Thanks again.  
 
fran 
 

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 13th February 2008
Love this- completely agree with PJ that your writing is always fascinating in its originality- though I'm not sure I understand the pearl metaphor. Maybe a saying that I've missed out on as a teenager? I'd like to hear a bit more on what it's about. 
 
Nitpicks: 
1) I would take out "a girl's treasure" from the first stanza, it seems too cutesy for this piece. 
2) Take out the "All" from the second stanza for greater compression. 
3) Try and decide whether you want capitals at the beginning of your lines.  
4) One-eyed rather than one eyed. 
 
These are all really tiny things and I'm only pointing them out because I'm a perfectionist and they bug me, they probably don't bug anyone else!

Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 13th February 2008
Thankyou for the advice GK. I really need to work on my punctuation! :sigh  
 
I was thinking of the seabed when pearls popped up in my head. I also associated it with a woman that was being held back but at the same time had alot to reveal. When I look at my mothers wedding jewelry I imagine how young she was yet how much she was forced to grow. She got married when she was eighteen- my grandparents had chosen her husband, my father. 
 
I hope that explained it..kinda! :)  
 
I will stick with "a girl's treasure" because I wanted to convey innocence here which I guess has an inevitable 'cutesy' part to it! :)  
 
You're right about all the rest! I will make the necessary revisions. 
 
Thanks again for taking the time to do this GK 
 
Fran

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!
 Previous item   Next item
This site is copyright 2005 - 2007 Great Writing. Work submitted by members remains the copyright of the respective authors.
See our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.