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Written by fellpony
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09 February 2008 |
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A new tool, sealed into a plastic hood,
needs old to strip off its surrounding box.
What is inside, so precious that it would
vanish if touched by air or careless knocks?
Chops in the freezer wear shrink-wrap as skin;
comforting to pretend the tidy packs
were not real lambs. The mental skins are thin
that freeze our peas and pasteurise our snacks.
Curtains of media noise that no-one owns
boom and sing nonsense from a shoebox script,
glutting our senses with their endless voice.
People who live in plastic shells by choice
have fragile lives that can’t be safely stripped.
Give me sweet silence, strong as trees and bones.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3566 comments posted) 9th February 2008 | I usually engage with your work and always take something from it but I feel you lost your way a bit with this by making it too generic. The desire of peace and quiet in an unrelentingly noisy world is a worthy aspiration and hardly compares to the minor irritation of blister packs and shrink-wrap, which don't really register on the scale,for me. But I'm sure others will disagree with me; it's just a question of priorites, I suppose.
cheers
Jane |
Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 9th February 2008 | I like this, but I did have a difficulty making a clear jump from the first four to the last six. For me, the middle section doesn't carry the first idea through to the end and I'm left with two distinct parts. I like the parts - just feel that there's a connection missing.
Interesting rhyme scheme for the last six. It does occur that as this is a sonnet, (it is isn't it?) part of my problem may be that I was expecting a final couplet to round it all off but it came more gently over six lines.
I think I may be out of my depth deconstructing this. Hope my comments make sense.
Phil |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (749 comments posted) 9th February 2008 | | I loved the sentiment hre and how well crafted the lines were, particularly the first eight. some of the best poetry I have read for ages. I kind of agree that things shift a little too much in the last six lines. Are you saying that, although there is too much packaging on "things", that it would be good to have more protection from the world around ourselves? |
Written by fellpony (1715 comments posted) 9th February 2008 | | I think I got seduced into making this a sort-of sonnet, but perhaps the ideas needed to be expressed a touch more fully than the form has allowed. I was really getting at the way people so often use "noise" to avoid silence which forces them to think. Prompted by Radio 1 warbling from outside while the slaters were doing a re-roof next door, and a local station always running in our office reception. It's awful how mind numbing some "music" can be. |
Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 10th February 2008 | | I fell in love with the very last line. |
Written by Toad (106 comments posted) 11th February 2008 | | I agree with your assessment that the ideas could be expressed more fully; the poem loses its way a bit. But, I think it provokes the kind of thoughts you had in mind, primarily the "glutting of senses" as a means to avoid confronting all of reality. |
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