The Butcher (revised) - Great Writing Creative Writing Community

Quicklinks:

Great Writing - Home > Poetry > The Butcher (revised)

READING ROOM

Great Writing - Home

Read and review others' work

Articles on writing

Advice from the community

COMMUNITY

Talk to others in the forums

Events and Competitions

GW News

ABOUT GREAT WRITING

All About Us

WORK AWAITING REVIEW
This list is randomly generated from all our published works. Seeking Information by patterjack Christmas Time by halina loss by no1butClo Ode to beer/The last han... by Tenchi What if Jesus were a sol... by idlemusings Nobody Ever Remembers th... by Bobgeorge Clockwork by gutterkitty Hot Water by Witzl Today, tomorrow and alwa... by HardLines Troubles by Fledermaus

GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.

WHO'S ONLINE
We have 2162 guests online and 5 members online fellpony Veronica_Milvus Josie Katanga bluecity Turquoise-Tangerine

WHO'S ONLINE

fellpony

Veronica_Milvus

Josie

Katanga

bluecity

Turquoise-Tangerine

Poetry


print friendly version
The Butcher (revised)

By francoise

11 February 2008

This was inspired by a visit to the butchers, so the title isn't very original! I'm terrible at coming up with interesting ones.
I'm not sure how this poem should or will come across, but I really wanted to paint a picture of a stranger rather than someone I know like my family, friends or a former significant other...
I came back to this several times, changing a few things. The first stanza originally finished with the fourth line (..his white coat) with the next three as a tercet (..when he pins down...... practical part begins). But I felt I needed to change it about to make it more compact.

To me he could be a painter,
since his hands are coloured red,
And their prints leave ritual marks
all over his white coat.
When he pins down his muse,
a tentative creativity rises.

The practical part begins.
Like a surgeon which he could be
Inspects the mass of red matter,
Fingers eager for a spectacular incision.

Before cutting it like a cook
as though it were a plate of butter
Laid out into a collage of pink.
A boneless work of art.

I watch him as I wait,
until under the fluorescent light
and the cool glass
and the hum of a man working,
A hand reaches out for the heart.

Reviews

Written by fellpony (1715 comments posted) 11th February 2008

I wonder if "red" in line 2 would be better as "colourful". Did you intend the contradiction of "down" and "rises" in lls 5 and 6?

How about "until" in place of "when" in stanza 4 ... it would add a frisson of danger.

An interesting essay - nice to see someone a little less personal than a lover, ex lover, or relative being described.

Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 11th February 2008

Thanks for the advice!
I made a couple of changes and it really does sound much better. I decided on "coloured" rather than colourful because I still wanted to stay within the same syllable count and stick with "red" too.

I liked your idea to use "until".sounds better
Thanks again for the kind suggestion.

Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 11th February 2008

... forgot to answer your question: yes it was intentional

Progression
Written by patterjack (1433 comments posted) 11th February 2008

I think that the movement within the idea is particularly good.

A downwards move in many senses , mental , physical.

And there is a kind of celebration of the artist in the artisan , which I find admirable too.

patterjack

Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 11th February 2008

Liked this. Created a very real mental picture.

The surgeon part was the only bit that threw me a little. Many years ago spent a beery weekend in Wales with the rugby club. Our inside centre was a butcher. Missing the tip of his left middle finger. He informed us that every butcher he knew has an extremity or two (on the hand - nowhere else as far as I know) missing. Couldn't quite link that to a surgeon. A case of personal experience getting in the way?

Phil

Written by francoise (129 comments posted) 12th February 2008

I hope he isnt still a butcher!!

It was the white coat and the blood image put together that made me think of surgeon..., and I did'nt want to use vet for reasons that I'm sure you would understand :eek

I'm glad you liked it though

Thanks

Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.

Previous item		Next item