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For Children
Dragons Of Earth chapter 1
By Aurora
15 February 2008
This is a novel I am working on at the  moment, It's only half finished so I would really appreciate any hints, comments or advice you could give me! it was originally in for children but thought I would move it here to get the advice of people who have written longer pieces.

Thanks for taking the time to read! Smile

Dragons of Earth

The rain was falling, cold hard water beating against the ground. It was the kind of rain that made you feel like you were being punished for something, as if the very heavens were spitting down on you in disgust.
    This was exactly the way James felt sitting on the cold stone floor of his room. A dying fire flickered in the grate. Around him were his familiar books, his corroded tin of old toy soldiers, and his one solitary poster tacked proudly to the decaying stone wall. It showed  knights clad in  armour slaying a fierce purple dragon. He stared at the faded poster for a long time imagining the events that had lead to this heroic battle.
    He was trying desperately to stay awake. He fixed his eyes on the blackened sky he could see through his shabbily dressed window. That dark sky that had never seemed particularly frightening before was calling his name, James could almost see it grinning gleefully, knowingly; as if it knew it had him in it's sight at last. An eerie shiver ran down his spine.
     How he wished he were wrapped up tightly in his bed fast asleep right now, warm and safe without a care in the world.
    Instead he had his small leather rucksack clutched tightly to his chest bulging with the provisions for the journey on to which he was about to embark.
    He stepped silently out into the vast hallway, it was a lot colder out here,  quietly he walked towards his parents room at the other end. He had wrapped his old dressing gown around him to cover his clothes in case he was seen
    For the seventh time that night he listened at the door, hoping to hear sleepy noises from his parents’ room. Alas they were still deep in hushed conversation.
     He began to walk back to his own room, he had left his bedroom door open and the light of the candle by his bed illuminated part of the hall and its high ceiling. He walked past his sisters room. He glanced at her closed door, the crayon drawing of a flower she had once drawn fluttered gently in the draught. No noise came from there and no light shone, but then he did not expect it to.
    He slumped back onto the icy granite floor. His sister Elle was the reason James was leaving on this journey of terror and almost certain death.  He smiled grimly, at least he was being realistic about it.  He'd be lucky if he even made it to the edge of their land without being killed, or worse...
    No, he didn't like to think about it, if he did that would be it, he'd back out; he'd find a really good reason not to leave. But deep down he knew that there was no bargaining, no getting out of it, he had no choice. He wouldn't let himself have any other choice.
    You see, James McKlanley could feel the letter ‘G’ burning invisibly on his forehead, red and bright as a beacon, for all to see. He was guilty; at only fourteen, and of a crime for which he could never be forgiven. James had killed his sister. It was such a terrible and unthinkable act that he would never be able to forgive himself. He had killed her, he knew he had...
    
    Just yesterday his life had been wonderful - well, as wonderful as it could be living in the year 2208 in Scotland, the world's acknowledged epicentre of all the dragons. James was lucky nevertheless, he lived in a huge well-defended castle that had been passed down the generations to his mother and father.
     There was no one else that they knew of within ten kilometres of Pewter castle. The only one James had ever had to play with was his younger sister Elle. He took great delight in teasing her and often made her chase him around the castle when he took one of her toys hostage. But that was his problem, he sometimes took the joke to far, way too far. That was why he was in such a terrible mess.
    Yesterday had started off a day like any other. James had helped his father in the walled garden growing their precious supply of food; potatoes, carrots, swede and even sprouts. James hated sprouts.
The dragons usually only came out near dusk, they didn't like the light so much. They would usually sleep during the day hidden in caves and the deepest forests, but still vigilance was needed whenever they were outside. So as they worked James' father swept the skyline with his eyes, looking for any tiny movement that might alert him to danger.
    Elle had helped their mother prepare dinner and pickle onions for the winter store.
 They had all sat around the old oak table early that evening eating a good meal of turnips and chicken broth, chatting away happily, his dad telling them jokes and stories from his youth.
His dad was a tall man with salt and pepper hair, he was fair skinned with a deep rumbling voice that didn't quite match his lean physique. James didn't look a great deal like his father except for his eyes, they were the same deep blue eyes, the colour of topaz, with an extra sparkle when he laughed.
His dad was telling one of James favourite stories. It was about how his dad had met their mother while running from a majestic giant white dragon! The giant white had never come near pewter castle again and James had spent so many hours when he was small peering out his bedroom window in the dead of night hoping to glimpse it, that finally after years of failing to see it James had come to the cold reality that it probably didn't exist. Still he didn't let his father know, after all it was a great story!
 Elle had still believed him even when James had told her, but James was too old to believe in mythical dragons, he hated the ones that were real enough. All the ones James had ever seen were big, green and covered in hard shiny scales, so as far as he was concerned they were the only ones that existed. Plus he knew how his dad liked to exaggerate when telling stories.
    After dinner James had taken to teasing Elle. This time he would not let her play with the spear his dad had given him for his birthday last month. He had been fourteen and it was the best present ever!
It felt smooth and powerful in his hands; his dad had been given it from his father and he from his father before him. It was special James could feel the history deep within it when he had first traced the deep gold inlay, a carving of a dragon down it’s length.
 He secretly still dreamed of being a dragon slayer like his father had told him so many stories about. There was little else to do here but daydream. The spear had given extra colour to his fantasies and he often saw himself standing on top of a slain beast with crowds of people cheering his name. The spear with it’s polished silver sharp head made him feel like a real warrior. That was why he loved it so much.
    Running with the beautifully carved object he sped down narrow winding staircases, passing old faded paintings of relatives he neither knew nor cared for still he felt their eyes following him as he ran looking at him with disapproval, he poked his tongue out of them. He ran faster still knowing each hidden passageway and hall. He had lived in this castle all his life and knew every twist and turn. Looking back every so often to make sure Elle was still following him he ran laughing up a small flight of stairs he did not quite remember… strange he paused for a moment, he heard Elle’s footsteps fast approaching he had just about reached the top of the stairs when he saw Elle start to climb them. At seven years of age now she surprised him by how fast she was getting.
“Give me it James! I promise I won’t break it; I just want a little look! Please?!” She begged. Seeing his chance of making her mad he held it out,
“Okay Elle, but only for a minute.” he almost laughed at how gullible she was.
    She reached out to take it but just as her hands were about to take it he cried out in delight
“Only joking! You didn’t think it would be that easy did you?”
She cried out in rage and slammed her shoulder into him hard half pushing, half charging him. He shouted as he lost his balance and fell backward grabbing her to try to steady himself he dragged her with him as they both fell against a wooden door that opened outward.
“AAAH!” they both shouted, Elle’s more of a scream.
Down, down they went until they hit a hard surface. James hit it first then yelled as Elle fell haphazardly on top of him with a thud.
 Stunned it took James a moment to realise where they were, there were large moss covered rocks resembling parts of steps and rooms all around them it was like being in a unusual dream, but as James looked he saw more, there was a huge dark forest to the left and black jagged, mountains high up to the right.
“Oh No!” he exclaimed. They were outside the castle walls!


(c) 2008 Aurora

Reviews
Very well written
Written by BedtimeStoryteller (103 comments posted) 16th February 2008
I liked the description of the rain, but expected someone to be out in it, so was surprised to find that the boy was indoors. Otherwise this is very well written.
Thanks!
Written by Aurora (56 comments posted) 16th February 2008
HI bedtime storyteller 
 
Thanks for taking the time to review my work, I see what you mean about the rain so I will try and state that a bit clearer! It's surprising what a fresh eye over your work can achieve! 
 
Thanks again! :)

Written by Fledermaus (3248 comments posted) 16th February 2008
Are you perhaps inspired by the film "Reign of fire"? It was what I had to think of when I read the year and this being set in Britain... 
A nice start with a good cliffhanger. 
 
There were a few odd constructions though: 
 
"That dark sky that had never seemed particularly frightening before was calling his name, James could almost see it grinning gleefully, knowingly." 
 
This sentence could need some commas and full stops, eg: 
 
" That dark sky, that had never seemed particularly frightening before, was calling his name. James could almost see it grinning, gleefully, knowingly..." 
 
Similarly 
 
" He stepped silently out into the vast hallway, it was a lot colder out here, quietly he walked towards his parents room at the other end." 
 
Could be split up in different sentences: 
 
" He stepped silently out into the vast hallway. It was a lot colder out here. Quietly he walked towards his parents room at the other end." 
 
And there should be an apostrophe in "his sister's room". 
 
Personally i didn't like the "AAAH!" sound effect, but apart from those things, it's a very nice read and I liked the reference to the mythical dragon, while dragons seemed so common. 
 
A well written and interesting piece that keeps the reader wanting to read on.

Written by Aurora (56 comments posted) 16th February 2008
Thanks, 
 
Sound advice on the grammar, I always have problems with commas! Shall be posting my next chapter in a day or so, would appreciate your feedback (does that sound like I'm on eBay! lol!)  
8)

Written by Aurora (56 comments posted) 16th February 2008
P.S Yeah, loved the film reign of fire, a definite influence! But maybe less so as the story goes on!

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 18th February 2008
I think this works well as a kid's story. It's very child-centred and the POV is well judged and consistent. I doesn't patronise or talk down to the reader. 
As it is the beginning I would have liked a bit more of the setting and context to orientate the reader but it certainly creates interest and starts at the right point with an inciting incident. 
I did think some of the compound sentences were a bit long and clumsy for a kid's story. 
If I was a kid I'd want to read on, can't say fairer than that 
Jane

Written by mosw30987 (17 comments posted) 26th March 2008
brilliant story Aurora. I really enjoyed it please keep writing. :)
Thanks!
Written by Aurora (56 comments posted) 26th March 2008
Glad you enjoyed it! It's great to know that someone your age like it! I will be posting more soon so please let me know what you think! 
 
Aurora :)

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