I wrote this for a English assignment , the topic was depression.
She looked into the fateful mirror to the only family she had
left. She gazed into the watery eyes of the pearl that she had to now
overcome.Staring at her long black hair and her makeup smudged green
eyes. She recognized that she had her Mother's beautiful hair, and her
Father's caring eyes, which she was about to rip out of her sockets.
Sobbing at the near fact that Ella was alone and the people she loved
most, will never be there to hold her or comfort her, or just being
there.
Images of past memories shot through Ella's mind like old
slide show. Images of her mother, helping her bake cookies when Ella
was five. Of her father who was reading Ella's favorite book to her
right before bedtime. These memories brought a sudden rage and anguish
that came from the very depth of her throat and let of a horrible,
nauseating scream. It hit her like someone punched her in her throat.
The startling knowledge that she might never see her parents again.
With this she let out another scream and grab the nearest object at
hand, a glass vase full of lilies, and threw it with all her will at
the mirror that had stood before her. Water, glass and lilies was at
her feet. Ella looked down at the broken mirror pieces, seeing the
disheartened faces that was her own.
With all the embracing memories of her childhood came the sickening
reminiscences of yesterday. The conflict of young teenager hormones
fighting with her caring parents, that were just trying to look out for
her. Words that can not be taken back, actions that would not be
forgotten. Fed up with Ella's self righteous attitude, the slammed the
front door and left to blow off some steam. She heard the car speed
away, this was the worst fight that their family had encountered.
Ella's abuse with late nights and drunken reactions had gotten to far
and she had never felt so hopeless, worthless, and helpless. Ella knew
her parents were just watching out for her, why couldn't she just let
it be. This never would of happened if she just listened.
The morning after the fight, she heard a car
pull up, thinking it was her parents, she ran over the thoughts in her
head. Preparing herself for another fight, backing up her own mistakes.
The door bell rang, she did not understand. Looking out the window she
saw a police car. The door bell rang again, she saw a officer at her
door, with his hat in his hand. Looking at the welcome mat, but he
looked as if he wouldn't be welcome at all. She slowly opened the door.
Gazing into the officers paralyzed eyes she asked what the problem was.
He took a deep a breathe and told Ella of her dear now departed parents
car accident. A drunk driver crashed into their car, Ella's parents had
died instantly. The officer went on but Ella didn't listen, her mind
froze. Trying to understand might have seemed easy, but to her she just
couldn't help to think that this officer had gotten the wrong house and
this was all just a bad dream that she desperately need to wake up
from. How can people that have been in your life who loved you and said
that they would always be there, just go and leave you by yourself?
Ella thanked the officer and shut the door before he had to
finish what he was saying. Her mind was juggling and this nightmare
that she was not waking up from, was getting worst by the second.
Ella's mind raced to what was she going to do now. Where would she go?
Would she be accountable of the funeral? What will Ella do now, without
them she was lost and confused. She recalled the last words she spoke
to them. They were not words of love or of forgiveness, or anything
beauty at all. They were words of hate and anger and feelings that just
got out of had. Ella told them that she hated them and that she had
hoped that they would just disappeared from this ethereal world. Ella
started to sob, not knowing what to do now, she slowly walked up the
stairs into her room, and there she gazed into that fateful mirror.
02/13/2008
|
Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 16th February 2008 | The story in itself was a good one and you came up with a concept you could do a lot with. However, it does need a thorough proof read; You made a few typos and the language doesn't always flow so well.
The way you set up the story is good, with a clear introduction to trigger the reader's interest, some explanation of the background and then a flashback of what had happened. But I do think you could reread it and brush up a few paragraphs. The structure and the story itself are fine, it's just the style in some places that might need some attention. |
Written by Asferthecat (834 comments posted) 16th February 2008 | A great first sentence. The first paragraph sets up the story very well but I didn't understand the second sentence
"She gazed into the watery eyes of the pearl that she had to now overcome."
There were lots of mistakes. I am not sure what you were trying to say in the second sentence, but I assume there is a mistake there that alters the meaning.
A good story but needs editing. |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
