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Poetry
Her darkened misery
By Roarscream
17 February 2008

A poem I wrote about a girl I barely knew, I only knew her from an internet site I was on and I would have aim conversations with her. She had moved away and had been taken from the person she loved, and this is what came out.


I met a girl, who thought that all was for naught,

And that her life was no longer worth how hard she fought,

Screaming and yelling, she struggled to stay above drowning point,

As grief pulled her further into pools of darkness.


She doubted herself and the positives of life,

As the one she loved fades from memory.

But within her, the fight and the strife,

Is consuming all happiness in her heart


Long days and even longer nights,

As her mind ceases to let her love fade away,

Refusing to forgive and forget, refusing to lie still,

Refusing to keep old skeletons buried beneath the grave


So the nights continue as her ghosts come to haunt her,

Reminiscences of past happiness giving away to darker thoughts,

The seed planted, feeding off her fearful soul,

As dark night turns to day.


Another day for her to pass through, but not to live,

For no longer does she fill her day with laughter and enjoyment,

But with misery and tearful dreariness,

Until her soul fades away.


One day she may meet her loved one once again,

But what will she have left to give?

Former beauty and glory swept away in her dreadful countenance,

And even the one she loved will no longer recognize,

In her darkened misery.


Reviews

Written by Phil (6719 comments posted) 17th February 2008
There seems to be a lot of angst posted here - this is the first time I've seen second hand angst. Sorry, it's usually a dreadful read when it comes from some insufferable bore who thinks no-one has ever suffered as he/she has (we all have - we just grew up) reading it second hand doesn't improve things.  
 
Phil

Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 17th February 2008
It's a pity you gave up the rhyme of the first two lines. That wasn't a coincidence was it? 
Although I do agree with Phil that a break-up isn't the end of the world and she'll probably get over it, I must say that, given your introduction, that what he refers to as 'second hand' does add something, for it shows empathy. 
The first heartbreak is always the worst, but indeed most of us have had one or more bad times... And got over it.

Written by Roarscream (10 comments posted) 17th February 2008
Mm..what you guys say are valid points. 
 
Yes angst is sometimes over done by teens (such as myself) however, there is a point to writing this.  
 
What i was trying to do with this is reveal a certain truth, that what she is doing is not helping herself but instead ruining her chances to move on and to find love again by allowing herself to be consumed by this.  
 
Thus the idea of the two lines, basically saying that even if she were to meet the person she loved, she wouldn't be recognizable anymore because of the pain she put herself through.  
 
But anyway, if you have something you want me to edit, tell me. But there isn't really much I can do with it if you just don't like the genre... 
 
 
 

Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 18th February 2008
Expressing sorrow, grief, and sympathy for someone else's sorrow or grief is not impossible but does take a lot of reflection and skill - something you may not yet have enough life or writing experience to manage. I'd be very surprised if you had, and probably very sorry for you. Age and experience only come with time, so to be told you are writing in a young and inexperienced way is not a serious criticism. 
 
You are trying to use poetic language in a style that went out of fashion quite a long time ago. Do you ever refer to anyone's "countenance" for example, in real life? Thought not. So rethinking that one aspect of your writing would be a start. 
 
For an example (or at least, a more mature attempt) at putting over someone else's misery in poetic form, try "Way" which I wrote a few weeks back. Link through my name and you'll see it listed in my "works".

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