While it's not a complete piece, in the sense that there is no story or time laden event, I wrote this as a practice of imagery, or a partial to a whole work. Working with imagery to get a feeling or an implied story across.
Don’t bother me while I drag this lake.
Looking for lost parts and pieces of me.
Muddied reality where the bodies float face down eternally.
At depths the angels sing.
Voices rage.
The words unclear, just garbled, under the gallons of water.
The voices of the angels break against the rocks.
Feet bound by wire and weight.
Here lie my secrets, my saviors and saints.
Don’t stop me while I damn this up.
Well up my past, and all thoughts of me.
The flood she’ll overcome.
Forget this place. Least the walls they break.
Forget this place, least you find yourself lost at sea.
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Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 17th February 2008 |
I’m not sure whether I’ve missed the point of the closing two lines, but should it not be;
Forget this place, LEST the walls they break.
Forget this place, LEST you find yourself lost at sea.
Or at lest (sic) I think that’s right.
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Written by MariusBinx (17 comments posted) 17th February 2008 |
I'm not sure myself.
But thanks, I'll look into that. |
Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 18th February 2008 |
Your intro confuses me. There is no story - but you're trying to imply one?
I think Steve might be right.
Some strong and striking images here.As you say it's not complete, I'll not worry about what I take away from this. It 'sounds' complete in that it seems to open and close in the loose structure that it has,
Phil
BTW: It's all about opinions - bullshit or otherwise: yours, mine, someone else's. |
Written by MariusBinx (17 comments posted) 18th February 2008 |
To your BTW, thank you.
When the first thing I put on here gets such... unique comments to it, I wonder if this is where I really want to be posting material in a style that I like myself to read, or if I should just go someplace else to search for those who think like myself. Which is redundantly boresome. I'm more of a lyricalist than a poet, and my influences come from those who don't often seem to have a point but attempt to create feeling more than comprehension. |
Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 18th February 2008 |
Absolutely your call where you post your stuff. The thing about posting here is, you will get honest reactions to what you decide to share. There are some very accomplished poets here - of different styles - and some very interested and thoughtful readers. If you want a level of challenge, I suggest you stay here. I've read all your reviews and one is over the top - the rest, to me, seem fair enough. You'll never please everyone here - but you don't need to.
Comments like 'anything can be poetry' are pretty dangerous around here. There's a history of would be poets who arrive, seemingly as the finished article, to share their wares for the rest of us to wonder over. When they don't receive 100% admiration and are challenged they have often trotted out that line. I guess anything can be poetry if you're willing to lower the bar to a level so base it encompasses the stuttering burblings of idiots. (To be clear - that comment is not directed at you.)
If we're talking quality, then for me, and I very well may be wrong, anything can not be poetry.
You seem to have something to say. At the moment you don't appear to be getting it across to your audience. That may well be the fault of your audience, your work may be too complex, advanced, whatever. Or, it may be that your work needs developing to communicate or engage at a deeper level. It may be you're not ready for the level of scrutiny your work will come under here - I don't know.
I do know that if you stick around and read criticisms intelligently, you'll improve. That doesn't mean what everybody says about your work is right - opinions just need considering.
Sorry to waffle,
Phil. |
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