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Extended Work
Chapter 1: Pani's Cafe (Pin-Up Girls)
By Stories_by_Katie
18 February 2008
Hi there.

I am new to this site so hi everyone!

Here is my first post. It is Chapter 1: Pani's Cafe. It is taken from a story I am working on called 'Pin-Up Girls'. I have the next few chapters drafted out but would like some feedback on my opening before I get cracking on the rest.

So, please read and let me know what you think - I am relatively new to creative writing so would greatly appreciate honest critique. In fact any comments at all would be a great help!

Thanks (and I hope you enjoy)
Katie

Chapter 1: Pani’s Café 

Madison hurried into Pani’s café, met by the familiar heady scent of smoke and coffee. She brushed the droplets of fresh morning dew from her woollen coat and glanced at her watch. 7:45am. Precisely when she had meant to arrive. She quickly scanned the anonymous faces of the people in the café, to double check that she was the first one there.

Her brilliant green eyes were like two dazzling apples, just ripe and ready to fall from an enchanted orchard tree. They flickered and danced on her delicate porcelain face, as her flushed cheeks began to warm from the bitter wind.

Pani’s only waitress, Georgie, knew that Madison was now a regular and brought her order without asking. A brief nod of acknowledgement passed between them. Madison sipped at her Mocha espresso, feeling the warmth and the caffeine start to seep through her body. An immediate pang of stimulation. She was careful to keep one of those big round emerald eyes fixed firmly on the entrance.

She was feeling particularly conceited that morning, secure in the knowledge of the control she would command when the client arrived at 8am prompt. The meeting would not take long - they never did. Get the details, make the agreement, swift exit - as if it never happened. Why would it be any different?

Meeting a new one was always rather amusing. She had learnt that they would imagine meeting either the archetypal po-faced professional assassin, or a slick newcomer, eager to impress and desperate to build credentials. Either way, they would always expect someone more subtle than Madison. Her beauty was a useful trick, and she used it – if she had to. But her ruthlessness and ability to manipulate were her real secret weapons. She relished the feeling of total control, something which she had desired for so long.


The bell on Pani’s door chimed and a blast of icy air rushed into the café. She had left specific instructions on what to wear, as well as a codeword for identification. The client’s huge, broad shoulders were dwarfed in a baggy black leather jacket – several sizes too big. His eyes still streamed from the autumn chill. Gold rimmed glasses perched awkwardly on his nose - a tell tale sign that he did not need any help with his eyesight. Strictly for identification purposes, she always said. But the pointless and mismatched outfit requests for new clients was one of Madison’s favourite things about her job, giving her the chance to unashamedly laugh at the expense of others.

“I seem to be very lost. May I sit with you Miss, whilst I remember my way? My name is Emilio.”

Codeword correct! Madison took the measure of her catch as he sidled into the shabby red leather seat opposite her. She noticed that the man was not English, as she had expected, but of Greek descent. He had a pockmarked face and yellowing teeth. He was not a handsome man and she suspected, would not be missed.

“Please, sit down.” Madison slipped out of her coat, adjusted her crisp white shirt, fixed his gaze and flashed a winning smile. She observed a short pant of breath, a bead of sweat, a nervous twitch in the eyebrow. A common reaction to such a striking woman.

“Let the games begin” Madison thought to herself.

Reviews
Good job
Written by Roarscream (10 comments posted) 18th February 2008
Looks good so far, crisp language, easy to follow, good formatting so it wasn't difficult to read either. 
 
I don't always believe that its that important to show and not tell, but it might be helpful to put a little more examples to go behind some of the details you give about her. For instance, when it says "her ruthlessness and ability to manipulate were her real secret weapons" I think something like that could either be left to shown later (when she actual shows her ruthless side) or by giving an example (as her last case had discovered, when she had cut his throat and hung his body out in the market square for all to see).  
 
It looks really good so far though, Madison's an interesting character. can't wait to read more

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