OK, Private Eye do it so much better. Just fancied a quick one (as the Bishop of Southwark said before entering the Irish Embassy).
[INQUEST INTO THE DEATH OF DIANA, THE LATE PRINCESS OF WALES, AND HIGH PRIESTESS OF LUCRATIVE TABLOID FODDER]
Mr. Justice Harvey-Nichols: Are you seriously suggesting, Mr. Al-Fayed, that the lady whose absence has created a vacuum in our now meaningless lives, whose fluttering eyelashes extinguished a million land mines, whose pounding cleavage aroused the mallets of every polo player between here and Tierra del Fuego, was the target of a conspiracy??!!!
Mr. Al-Fayed: You should know, you idiot. You work for MI6.
[Gasps from the gallery. Mr. Harvey-Nichols looks absent-mindedly for his gavel, before recalling that he mislaid it the previous evening at the Spearmint & Rhino]
Mr. Harvey-Nichols: Would you perchance have any evidence that might string this case out for a few more months? Requiring a visit to a 5-star hotel on the Côte d’Azur in late August?
Mr. Al-Fayed: No.
Mr. Harvey-Nichols: Pity.
Mr. Dickinson-Jones [for the plaintiff]: However, we do have proof, your Lordship, that the driver of the fateful automobile was not an employee of my client. You will see here [flicks remote control towards video screen] a French chauffeur popping into the Brasserie de la Princesse Morte for a quick, lightly-buttered croissant at 6.45 a.m.. And twelve hours later [video screen shows the same French chauffeur falling out of the bar carrying a crate of Pastis]…
Mr. Al-Fayed: You see! Michael Barrymore!
Mr. Dickinson-Jones: Disguised as precisely the same man! No less than Prince Philip’s favourite witless comedian!!!
Mr. Al-Fayed: This was not first or last time he try to revive ailing career by murdering someone.
Mr. Fortnum-Mason [for the Secret Service] Objection! Your Lordship, next the witness will be suggesting that the refusal of a passport application led to his vengeful bombing of British holidaymakers in the Egyptian resort of Sharm el-Sheikh???!!!
[Mr. Al-Fayed pulls a large brown envelope from his jacket pocket and winks at the judge. Mr. Harvey-Nichols looks confused. Mr. Al-Fayed pulls out a gavel adorned with a nipple tassel, complete with plastic breast].
Mr. Harvey-Nichols: Objection denied. You seem to think, Mr. Fortnum-Mason, that any old idiot can invent conspiracy theories!!! [looking at notes] How does the American actress Miss Winona Ryder fit into all this?
Mr. Al-Fayed: She is qualified Mercedes mechanic, you buffoon.
Mr. Dickinson-Jones: You will recall, your Lordship, how she was seen leaving the pits at Imola with a cylinder of brake fluid concealed beneath her smock top. 2 minutes before the fatal crash of Mr. Ayrton Senna.
Mr. Fortnum-Mason: Red herring! Wild goose chase!
Mr. Harvey-Nichols: Ah! Mention of food has made me realise it’s a quarter to ten. All this talk of subterfuge has given me a compelling urge for a plate of Beef Wellington.
Mr. Fortnum-Mason: You mean Steak Diane, your Lordship.
Mr. Harvey-Nichols: I mean it is an excellent point at which to adjourn. Until such time as we can resolve the theory of the first moon landing.
[The court rises and begins to depart]
Mr. Dickinson-Jones [to Al-Fayed]: Do you remember what you were doing when President Sadat was assassinated?
Mr. Al-Fayed: I have evidence that Princess Margaret infiltrate Fulham football club. Which explain current position in Premiership. [large brown envelope] Do you think we have a case?
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Written by Fledermaus (3160 comments posted) 19th February 2008 |
It's been said that Egyptians just love conspiracy theories. I won't be surprised if it has been like that since the days of the Pharaohs.
I wonder though, does Mr. Al Fayed really talk like that? I always thought he was a stereotypical English gentleman.
Interesting piece, but I'm afraid i know too little about this whole Diana-thing to give a good comment. |
Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 19th February 2008 |
Interesting observation, Fledermaus. As for being a stereotypical English gentleman, you clearly missed his outburst in court yesterday, and brief interview with the press, in which he claimed they were all members of MI6. The idea of entrusting state secrets to the tabloids....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbZ83zF3jLU&feature=related
Many thanks |
Written by Phil (6435 comments posted) 19th February 2008 |
Enjoyed this, Coosh. A very well put together lampoon. Act two could see Prince Phillip himself enter court with a blunderbus to silence the foreign devil. Enjoyed the read very much.
I can't think Al-Fayed is any more barmy than the inbred bunch we call the royal family. Sadly for him, he's not got centuries of reserve genetically stamped into his personality. Can you imagine the fun if they actually got Prince Phillip to take the stand? Perhaps senility and the sight of someone less than white accusing him of all kinds of skullduggery would really set him off.
When it's all over, what will the Express do? Possibly start a campaign for passports for wealthy Egyptians.
St Diana would spin in her grave. God bless 'em all.
Phil |
Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 20th February 2008 |
| Thanks Phil. You're probably right about Al-Fayed - it's just that all the conspiracy theorists who hoped he would blow open the "real" story are now themselves questioning his sanity. Like the idea of Prince Philip taking the stand (!!!) - it would be like watching Spitting Image, but in real life. Cheers. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3169 comments posted) 20th February 2008 |
I think your approach to this was perfect. It is almost impossible to parody Al-Fayed, he is just so OTT in every way. And showing everyone else involved in the farce as barmy and partial worked and brought a wonderfully surreal touch to the proceedings.
I loved the way they all laid their own agendas out, like the Judge in his opening remarks; a brilliant comic device and adds so much to the sketch. The amazing thing is the measured way in which the whole thing is being carried out [with the vitriolic exception of Al-Fayed] The whole trial is a surreal farce which is being taken seriously.
In fact this goes back to Fayed not getting a British passport. He reminds me of a character from ‘Goodness Gracious me’ who sees himself as quintessentially English but keep giving himself away, as does Fayed with his purple prose and gothic insults. He’s convinced he’s more English than the Queen.
I also liked all the little details and asides, something that spitting image used to do so well. It pulls the whole thing together.
Anyway you actually managed to parody Al-Fayed and make him seem even more ridiculous than he does himself, as well as taking a humorous sideswipe at the trial.
Have you thought of sending this to Private Eye or Punch? They haven't been sued for months.
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Written by woody44 (765 comments posted) 20th February 2008 |
Beautifully executed lampoon David. I`m afraid the man has completely blown his case out of the water. If it wasn`t so sad it would all seem quite entertaining. I would love to hear what Al Fayed`s coiffured toady Michael Cole has to say about the last couple of day`s proceedings. Anyway I have irrefutable evidence that the basement of Harrods is being used as the British training camp for the Mujahidin...
As Jane says this would go down well with one of the satirical mags. |
HI Coosh
Written by jean.day (2207 comments posted) 20th February 2008 |
Great fun, this. I particularly liked the very first bit, by the judge. And I agree with the comments above about how clever and punchy this whole thing is.
I heard the MI6 man say last night that their hands were clean. But I can't imagine anyone take Al Fayad seriously after this week. |
Phoney Pharaoh
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 21st February 2008 |
Yes, David. Good fun.
I think it is beguiling that Fayed bought Fulham.And has really done nothing with his aquisition apart from dispense with his managers. And fancy wanting to own Harrods!? There is something of the deluded megolomaniac about him. Right down to making an ass of the British legal system with his do lally accusations. He seems to need to 'own' people. I remember Neil Hamilton commenting that he thought Fayed truely believed that he could buy anything.
Nice piece though. Well done. Good to read something amusing on Not News for a change.
Slan! |
Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 22nd February 2008 |
That's a great description of him, Jane, ("more English than the Queen"!!... discarding her Scottish-German-Danish ancestry). I think you're right about the passport - it ties in with Gerard's Neil Hamilton quote - financial success, belief that you can buy anything, but there's still this frustrating issue of the bloody UK ID. Thanks for your comments - I thought Private Eye got sued every week???
Yes, Woody, it does seem unlikely that he will win anything now - Monsieur Le Bouffant did appear, I think, to give evidence. As regards Harrods, you may be right - just browsing through the toy department, and saw all these teddies imported from Sudan, bearing the name of the shop's owner???!! Many thanks. |
Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 22nd February 2008 |
Thanks, Jean. I think there's certain pressure at the moment to bring this whole fiasco to an end - someone told me the other day that MI6 was the only secret service in the world not allowed to kill anyone (??!!) - how exactly did they conduct that survey?
As I recall, Gerard, his purchase of Harrods itself was surrounded in certain mystery regarding the origin of the funds. In terms of Fulham, I don't think his investment, relatively speaking, has been that great... meaning they have given up on any idea of the Kakas and Ronaldos of this world, and settled for failed attempts to buy players from Glasgow Rangers of all places. Many thanks for the feedback.
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Written by coosh (822 comments posted) 22nd February 2008 |
Having just read Private Eye's latest take:
Diana's sister: Can someone tell me what's going on here? I've got a very important hairdressing appointment with Jean-Claude at 3.30 and I really can't afford to miss it.
Judge: I quite understand your predicament Lady McCorkscrew, and I must apologise for wasting your time, but I am sure you will understand that we must spin things out for as long as we can here, so that the entire legal profession can continue in gainful employment for many years to come. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3169 comments posted) 22nd February 2008 |
| Yes, quite funny but not as good as your take, I think. |
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