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Poetry
the machinations
By emma777
24 February 2008
any feedback anyone?!

We drove it for years

Adjusting the gears

Playing those momentums of mind

The occasional misfire

Occasional mis-wire

Turning out each winning line

 

But now you call

And I just stall

And wonder whether we’ll meet at all

 

For the curtain to drop you must only ask

For me that posed an awesome task

…Is this the synergy I once sought?

Or entrapment within a web of thought?

 

I asked you please to level wi’ me

And level me you did

You actually stopped your hiding honey

So, terrified, I hid

Reviews

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 24th February 2008
This started off really well. I especially liked the car metaphor and wished you had continued with it.It was an original take. 
All the stuff about curtains,webs and money was too confused and sadly cliched.

Written by emma777 (21 comments posted) 24th February 2008
yeh... i see that now, thanks a lot! :)
...a possible adjustment!
Written by emma777 (21 comments posted) 24th February 2008
We drove it for years 
Adjusting the gears 
Playing those momentums of mind 
The occasional misfire 
Occasional mis-wire 
Turning out each winning line 
 
But now you call 
And I just stall  
I don’t see how we’ll move at all 
Our sparks were plugged 
The gas left empty 
An I’m wonderin if we’ll ever leave twenty… 

Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 24th February 2008
It's promising. I'm a fan of metaphoric relationship stuff. 
Some of the lines don't scan quite as well as others, the rhythmn feels a little uneven for me..maybe even make it more machine-like...? 
 
ref: the possible adjustment...'our sparks unplugged' surely? 
 
'We drove for years 
adjusted gears 
tyre worn momentum minds'  
 
'the gas ran empty,  
the speedo twenty  
and slowing to a crawl' 
 

Written by Josie (2786 comments posted) 12th April 2008
Your rhythm and rhyme was much better in your Aliens poetry on the children's section Emma.

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