"Swirl the Plot"
 
A television studio. The speaker in an elegant grey suit sits behind a desk. There's a telephone and a microphone on the desk and a logo of TV station behind his back.
 
SPEAKER: (smiling charmly) It's time for...
 
A title appears all over the screen. It's a glowing, shoddy line. A very silly sounding melody follows - it's like a TV contest theme.
 
TITLE: SWIRL THE PLOT.

SPEAKER: (dramatic voice) Yes. It's Swirl the Plot again. For those from ou audience who watch us for the first time and for those who' like a reminder I will tell the rules of our show now. We are going to play a short film now. In some part it's going to be cut. It will be the first chance for our prize today - one hundred pounds. All you'll have to do will be to give us a phone call and simply answer ‘yes' or ‘no' to my question and thus swirl the plot. Then the film will follow until the second cut, again I'll ask the question and the prize will reach three hundred pounds this time. In the very end of the programme there will be just one more chance to give us a call and as this is our show of the month the prize for calling us will be one thousand pounds!

 
Fanfares and clapping are playbacked from off the screen.
 
SPEAKER: So today seems like a very good day to the callers of Swirl the Plot. Please watch our film and wait for my questions. And today's film is called "The Trails of Wellingworths".
 
Black screen. The film title appears in white letters. Fade in to a living room. All the interior is kept in victorian style. Large chandelier on the ceiling. A dining table covered with white cloth and six chairs stand in the middle of the room. The table is set to dinner. A black cat lies next to one of the chairs. Granny sleeps peacefully on a rocking chair, some bookshelves stand by the wall behind her. A carpet and some cheap paintings to fulfill the image. There are to doors - a kitchen door to the right and front door in the back wall.
Voices arise from behind the kitchen door:
 
MR WELLINGWORTH: (loudly) I told you, woman! Duck in oranges it should be!
MRS WELLINGWORTH: But I'm doing his favourite. Smoked salmon and potatoes.
MR WELLINGWORTH: So common meal on such an occasion! The world is running down!
 
The kitchen door open and Mr Wellingworth appears. He's a man in his fifties, wearing an old fashioned black suit which gives him dignity.
 
MR WELLINGWORTH: Damn this woman. Could she for just once listen? I'll need something to ease my mind after this.
 
He walks to the bookshelves and browses through the titles.
 
MR WELLINGWORTH: (mumbling to himself) Shakespeare, Byron, Poe... Ah, Beckett. It shall do just fine.
 
He grabs the book, sits on a chair by the table and starts reading. A door bell interrupts him.
 
MR WELLINGWORTH: (excited) My lord. It's him! Margaret! Our son has arrived!
 
MRS WELLINGWORTH: Praise the Almighty! Our Edward is back after three long years!
 
Mrs Wellingworth rushes into the room. She's in her fifties like her husband but she didn't age well. She's of very plain beauty. An expensive dress she's wearing does not suit her. She stops and looks at her hands which are black with dirt. She rubs them on her beautiful dress without hesitation and hurries to the front door. Mr Wellingworth stands up.
As Mrs Wellingworth reaches the door knob, the film stops.
 
Back in the television studio.
 
SPEAKER: And it's time for the first question in "Swirl the Plot". The telephone number will appear at the bottom...
 
Telephone ring interrupts him. He stares in disbelief as the number has not appeared on the screen yet.
 
SPEAKER: ...of the screen.
 
The number appears as announced:
 
NUMBER: 020 7712243
 
The Speaker picks up the receiver.
 
SPEAKER: We have our first person calling. (to the receiver) Hello, welcome to "Swirl the Plot". May we hear your name, please? Mr Adam Fullbright of Gloucester!
 
Fanfares.
 
SPEAKER: Mr Fullbright, are you ready to swirl the plot? Wonderful! Here is our question: Shall Wellingworths be taken aback by their son? And the answer in YES! Congratulations Mr Fullbright, you have won 100 pounds!
 
Fanfares and clapping.
 
SPEAKER: Please provide us with the information necessary for transfer and watch "Swirl the Plot"! (back to the camera) And we're back to the film.
 
Back to the living room. Mrs Wellingworth opens the door. A young and tall man in a uniform of British corporal from the first World War stands outdoors.
 
MRS WELLINGWORTH: (spreading her still dirty hands) Edward, my little boy! Come and hug me!
 
EDWARD: Mama!
 
Edward comes in and gives his mother a firm embrace. She goes convulsive.
 
MRS WELLINGWORTH: (catching her breath) Oh Edward! Let me go! You grew so strong!
 
EDWARD: (releasing his mother) Glad to see you, old coot!
 
Wellingworths are stunned by their son's words. Mr Wellingworth recovers first and advances to Edward with his hand extended.
 
MR WELLINGWORTH: Shake my hand, young man. I am proud of you serving our noble homeland well against those Nazis!
 
Mrs Wellingworth caughs significantly.
 
MRS WELLINGWORTH: (whispering) It's not that war.
MR WELLINGWORTH: What do you know, woman? I'm proud of you, son.
EDWARD: (shaking father's hand strongly and smiling broadly) Thanks, you sclerotic bastard.
MR WELLINGWORTH: (shocked) What did you call me?
MRS WELLINGWORTH: Don't listen to that, it must be exhaustion after this long journey home.
EDWARD: Oh, it was only about thirty miles matter of factly. I've stayed at my friend Parch's house in Chrishall for a week.
MR WELLINGWORTH: (close to rage) A week? You've been in the Kingdom for seven days and never bothered to see us?
EDWARD: Oh old man, it is my army friend. I saved his life!
MR WELLINGWORTH: (with exaltation) In the field of battle! When bombs went off, guns shot wildly, her majesty's regiments went to charge...
EDWARD: No. At a pub in Dover. There was this brawl...
MR WELLINGWORTH: (furious) You took part in a brawl?!
EDWARD: Well, not really. I shot them.
 
Edward draws a pistol and waves it before parents' faces.
 
MRS WELLINGWORTH: (scared) Edward, put away this devil's tool!
MR WELLINGWORTH: You bloody fool! You're a murderer! (he slumps into a chair dramatically) Even Beckett won't help my poor soul in this predicament.
 
Edward puts the gun away. Mrs Wellingworth looks through the room, desperate seeking a way to save the day. Her sight stops at Granny still sleeping in the rocking chair.
 
MRS WELLINGWORTH: Look, my dear. It's your grandmother. She was so excited about your coming that she fell asleep.
EDWARD: I will wake her up.
 
Television studio again. The speaker is turned with his side to the camera, watching the film obviously. He turns his head revealing a brutal smile on his face and blinks with one eye.
Back in the living room Edward stands in front of Granny.
 
EDWARD: Wake up.
 
Granny doesn't react.
 
EDWARD: (raises his voice) I said wake up!
 
Still nothing. Edward loses his temper, grabs Granny by her shoulders, shakes her violently and slaps her in the cheek.
 
EDWARD: Bloody rotten ass of a stinking rat, I said wake up, private!
GRANNY: (surprised) What? Is it time to go to bed?
MRS WELLINGWORTH: My Lord in Heavens, what are you doing?
EDWARD: (puzzled) Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we're in the entrenchment.
 
Dead silence. Granny falls to sleep again. After a moment Edward speaks.
 
EDWARD: So what's for dinner?
MRS WELLINGWORTH: (smiling) Something good for my sonny. Smoked salmon and potatoes.
EDWARD: (enthusiastically) My favourite!
 
He steps on the cat accidentally. The animal gives a hiss and runs to the kitchen.
 
EDWARD: (drawing his gun again) I'll shoot the bastard!
MR WELLINGWORTH: Bloody hell, I generated a barbarian.
 
TV studio.
 
SPEAKER: (smiling roguishly) That was quite unexpected, you agree. But now we've got another question. As always the number will appear at the bottom of the... (gives the phone a dubious glance but it is silent) screen now.
 
NUMBER: 020 SOMETHING
 
The phone rings and the Speaker takes it.
 
SPEAKER: Hello, welcome to "Swirl the Plot". May I hear your name? Miss Jane Mansfield of Brighton. (playfully) May I say you have a very sexy voice. Mhm. Yes. Of course. Why, thank you. (seriously) But let me ask you the question. Up to this moment everything happens in one room. So the question is: Shall we change the scenery?... The answer is ‘Yes'! You just won three hundred pounds! Do not hang on under any circumstances while we put on the film...
 
A forest. Camera zooms on one of the trees. A beautiful white owl sits on one of its' branches.
 
VOICE: Canadian snow owl. One of the most beautiful birds in the world. We are extremely lucky to find it here as there are only thirty pairs of them left in the world...
 
The voice is being interrupted by a sudden shot. The owl falls to the ground. The camera zooms out to show Edward with his pistol closing to the bird.
 
EDWARD: Ha! I got her! We'll have a feast, lads!
 
Mr and Mrs Wellingworth come from behind some bushes. They haven't changed their clothes thus do not suit the scenery.
 
MR WELLINGWORTH: (sceptically) Remind me why we are here?
MRS WELLINGWORTH: Remember what the doctor said? Edward needs a change of environment. Some air, some touch of nature...
 
Edward runs past them, gun in hand.
 
EDWARD: The Germans! Come, my soldiers! We'll kick their bloody butts!
MR WELLINGWORTH: Somehow I don't think it's working.
MRS WELLINGWORTH: Be patient. He is obviously making progress. Yesterday he thought he was fighting this guy from the Bible, that freightening one who fought with some to be king and lost. What was his name? Gol... Goli...
MR WELLINGWORTH: Gollum! Don't mention that in my presence!
 
Mrs Wellingworth pulls out a book and hands it to the husband.
 
MRS WELLINGWORTH: Here, read your Beckett to soothe your nerves.
MR WELLINGWORTH: Thank you, darling.
EDWARD: (from behind the screen) Hurry up, soldiers! We need those battlements done before sunset!
MR and MRS WELLINGWORTH: (simultaneously) We're coming!
 
Fade out. TV studio. The Speaker is still talking by the phone.
 
SPEAKER: (lustfully) So what are you wearing?
 
He looks on the camera and shudders.
 
SPEAKER: (hastily) I'll call you back. (slams the receiver) Sorry for this interruption. That was our film for today's "Swirl the Plot". It's time for the last, very special question, and our grand prize. One thousand pounds!
 
A subtitle appears where the number should have.
 
SUBTITLE: NOBODY READS IT ANYWAY.
 
The telephone rings.
 
SPEAKER: Hello, it's "Swirl the Plot"! The grand prize is waiting for you. Could we know your name? OK, mister Jack the Ripper of Whitechapel. Here is the question: Shall the speaker kill himself?... The answer is ‘Yes'! Congratulations! You have won one thousand pounds!
 
Glowing trashy number of 1000 with a £ appears on the screen. The silly melody plays loudly. There are fanfares and clapping. The speaker picks up a gun and shoots himself in the head. He falls on the desk.
A voice announces:
VOICE: Remember to watch "Swirl the Plot" same time next week with same attracions, same entertainment and a brand new, brighter speaker.
 
THE END