Hello! My name is Jasmine; I have lived here in the so called pleasant town of Shinely since I was 15 years old. Ever since I moved here things have begun to change, only one thing has stayed the same, my friend Joey. Joey and I have been friends for as long as I remember, when my parents insisted on moving here Joey convinced his parents to move aswell, so at least one thing was familiar. I am going to share my diary with you; at least then maybe my life will help others deal with theirs.

We moved into our new house today. My Mother’s still unpacking, my room is now filled with everything I own, although it looks kinda out of place, I guess that’s because it’s not my room, my rooms still in our old house. I just know life here is gonna be hard, Joey’s still here, but I dunno if I can fit in, he’s very good at all of the social things, I’m not, I’d much prefer to be hidden out of the way.

Me and Joey decided to explore today, it was really warm and we both came back exhausted! We didn’t meet any or the other kids, there all at the local middle school, me and Joey don’t start until tomorrow, I am defiantly not looking forward to that. My Mother has insisted I don’t hang around with Joey so much, she said he’s not really my friend, My Mother really doesn’t like him, she never has, I really cant see why, if he wasn’t around I wouldn’t be who I am today, I wouldn’t even be here.

Today was my first day at the new school, it’s not as big as my old school, and there doesn’t seem to be as many students, which is kinda weird because this town is really huge, I guess people just don’t have children or something. I haven’t made any new friends yet, most people just ignored me and Joey, I guess there just trying to figure out who we are before they talk to us, or maybe I’m already unpopular. We’re not doing very much work, the teachers all say that there isn’t really any need, our old school was ahead so we’ve finished all of this schools work, plus its nearly summer, I like summer, at least I don’t have to worry about making friends then, I can make a start on some research for next years lessons.   

I made a friend!! And I spoke to her all by myself, no Joey in sight! I don’t know why I spoke to her, I wouldn’t normally speak to people unless they spoke to me first, or if Joey was with me, but something kinda made me go talk to her, a voice in my head was saying that I should, yup I have gone insane. Her name is Sophie, she’s in our form class, she’s shy like me, and she’s really naturey…is that even a word? Joey doesn’t like her, he thinks she boring, but I think she’s fascinating. I’m a very academic person, but she knows lots of other things, how to use different plants for things, she’s really cool, I can just tell we are gonna be really super friends.

Nothing much happened today, Joey’s in a bizarre mood, he avoided me and Sophie all day, then complained that I hadn’t spend any time with him. Joey’s great normally, but he does try to control things, I guess he sees Sophie as a threat, that she might take me away.

Sophie took me and Joey to the river today, it was beautiful!!! So many trees!! We fed the ducks and had a picnic in a clearing in the woods. Joey and Sophie got along quite well today, although I think there getting along too well, I’m thinking that Joey may have a crush on her; he always dislikes his crushes before he admits he likes them.   

I stayed home with my family today; we had Sunday lunch and watched a movie. I’m back at school tomorrow, Joey said he has something to talk to me about, I’m not sure I wanna hear it, you never know with Joey.

Joey wants to ask Sophie out! I knew it! He was asking me how he should ask her, how the frilly heck am I supposed to know, why did he have to pick me to talk to! Oh right I’m his best friend, and he only knows me and Sophie…but still surly he coulda asked her out without my help. This is gonna mess everything up! Sophie is my new friend, all of Joey’s girlfriends end up hating me, and I really don’t wanna loose Sophie. Its not like I can stop him, how the hell am I supposed to explain what my problem is, he’ll just automatically think that I have a crush on him, I don’t, he’s like a brother to me, and you don’t get crushes on your brothers.  

Sophie agreed. They’re going to see a movie tomorrow. That’s it I’m doomed! I dunno how, I just kinda have this feeling of impending doom, like something big is happening, maybe the worlds gonna explode, no its something worse I can just tell. Maybe I’ll ask Sophie what she thinks, she does the future telling thing with the cards, she could probably tell me what’s gonna happen.   

Helped Sophie get ready for her date, I feel awful I sabotaged it! She was trying on all of these absolutely beautiful dresses, Joey would have loved them all, but I told her to wear the one she looked least good in! What the frilly heck is wrong with me? Seriously tell me! I used to be a nice person, but since meeting Sophie I have been determined to keep her away from Joey, I’m so scared of loosing either of them, at least I think that’s what it is, I should just calm down, none of this is actually a big deal.

The date didn’t go so well, Sophie told me that she doesn’t feel anything for Joey, but doesn’t wanna hurt him, well at least it wasn’t my fault, but if Joey realises what I did, then he’ll think it was. Its Friday I think I’m gonna spend the weekend alone, maybe things will work themselves out, in the mean time I should keep out of the way. I don’t wanna mess everything up any more than I have.

My little brother has been driving me insane today. He’s really horrible to me but he’s always been my Mothers favourite. He’s everything that I’m not, he’s popular at school, he’s cute, he does everything right. He spent the day helping my Mother do everything, I know that sounds like a good thing, but he always sucks up to her, “Mom can I clean the table” he says, its not because he’s actually helpful, its just so it looks like I’m  lazy! My Mother will say things like “why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “you never do anything to help” I do help! All of the time, it’s just that nobody notices, because I don’t make a big fuss about it.

Joey came over to my house today; he said he was worried about me, that I hadn’t been myself; I reassured him that nothing was wrong and we hung out in my room for a while. We have to go to school again tomorrow. I really wish I could discuss what is bothering me, but if I’m honest I don’t actually know what it is! My mind feels like its going to explode! I think I might see the councillor at school tomorrow, no, I hate counsellors, they always make things out to be five times worse than they are, just so they can refer you to a specialist and part you with your money.

Sophie did a fortune reading thingy for me, it said something about change, love, and something about a sea urchin…I may have just invented that bit. All in all it doesn’t make any sense; Sophie said they aren’t always accurate so it might not mean anything.

The summer holidays start on Friday, after summer I’ll be in high school, that’s scary! Me Joey and Sophie are all going to go to Shinely high, its a really old building right on the edge of town, Sophie says its haunted, I hope it is, I’ve always wanted to meet a ghost, as long as it’s a friendly ghost, not the creepy kind you see on films, more like Casper.  

Sophie wasn’t in school today, I’m really worried! I tried phoning her earlier, but her mother said she couldn’t come to the phone, I wonder what’s wrong…she could be dead somewhere! That’s a good reason not to come to the phone. I’m going to go to her house, or I would if I knew wear she actually lived, damn it she’s going to die! And I won’t be able to see her. 

Sophie was back in school today, she was just a little bit sick; she couldn’t come to the phone because she was sleeping. Tomorrow is the last day at school, Sophie’s coming to stay at my house in the summer, her family’s going on holiday, but she can’t go because she’s afraid of flying. I’m absolutely terrified of having Sophie at my house, what if she hates the way we live? What if my brother annoys her so much that she goes to a hotel? What if she hates me? At the same time I’m really looking forward to it, it will be really fun having her there.

Left that school for the last time today, we went to Sophie’s to collect her stuff, I liked her house, it smelled so warm, and her family all seemed to love each other. Sophie won’t feel very at home in my house, our family hate each other, and my Mother probably won’t like Sophie, my Mother doesn’t like anyone.

Sophie is settling in well, my Mother doesn’t like her very much, but she’s not letting Sophie know this. Joey’s coming over tonight, all three of us are gonna have a sleep over, that should be uber fun!

I do feel kinda weird around Sophie, at first I thought it was just nerves, because she’s a new person, and I’m not good with new people, but now I just don’t know, I guess its just weird having her around my house.

Last nights sleepover was really bizarre! I just felt really odd all night, it didn’t feel like the usual fun friendly sleepover, Joey said he noticed something weird, he said he’ll talk to me about it later, maybe he thinks Sophie hates me…maybe she does! Maybe I’m doomed…

Spoke to Joey this morning, he thinks I have a crush on Sophie…he’s wrong of course…I don’t feel like that…I know I said I felt weird around her but that’s not it!

Although the more I think about it the more it makes sense, maybe I do like her…but if I do its just a fluke!

I’m going mad, the more I think about everything, the more confusing it all gets. I do like her, that much has become clear, but what does that mean exactly? I’ve only ever had one boyfriend, and that was when I was 12, and that wasn’t really a big deal…I don’t like this, I’m not happy about any of it…like I said its just a total fluke, I’m gonna get over this, and nothing like this will ever happen again…right?

Joey came over today while Sophie was out shopping, he’s being lovely about everything, but even he’s getting fed up, I don’t think anyone realises how big a deal this is…I don’t think even I understand…how can I? I barley even understand what’s going on. I told Joey the truth about how I feel about Sophie, this resulted in lots of hugs, but what I really need is answers, unfortunately nobody can answer my questions except me.

Sophie has noticed how weird I’ve been acting; I can’t tell her can I? I said I’d been feeling sick, but you could so tell she didn’t believe a word of it. Diary I think we have a HUGE problem, what am I going to do? My Mother has also noticed the weirdness, she knows something’s up, can I please cry now?

Something incredibly odd, yet REALLY good happened today! Me and Sophie were sitting on my bed, just talking, and there was a lot of um…chemistry. It was like something out of a movie; we just stopped talking and moved closer, we very nearly kissed!!!! But then my brother came in to announce that dinner was ready. What could this mean? Does Sophie like me too? This is all happening to quickly, I haven’t even figured out what I want…I’m not really gay am I? Like I said I’m gonna get over this, it like a phase or something.  

I’m thinking of telling Sophie, I know this is gonna sound crazy but I think I’m falling in love with her! (scared face) and if I’m in love with another woman, then there’s a large possibility that I might be…well you know what I mean…its bizarre I really don’t feel right saying that word…it makes me feel kinda like I’m doing something wrong…like what I’m feeling now is a bad thing, well it is a bad thing, its not exactly normal, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with…that…but I don’t wanna be…that way.

I spoke to Joey, he said that it would be risky telling Sophie, but I still should if I love her, he seemed upset, I think he still likes Sophie, perhaps I shouldn’t do this, but don’t I have to? I’m never gonna find out about what could be, or who I am, if I don’t take the chance, right?

I’m going to tell her tomorrow! I’m going to just sit her down while my Mothers out doing the shopping, and I’m just going to tell her everything, if she says she wants something more then great! But if she doesn’t feel even slightly the same way, then that’s ok to, so long as she doesn’t freak and never speak to me again.

Its morning now, I’m going to tell her soon, I just thought I’d check in…or something like that. I’m so scared, I’m not even used to the whole idea, I’m not dealing so I dunno if I would deal with her not dealing, if that made any sense at all. Ok deep breath, here I go, I’ll write some more afterwards, eek!

I’ve told her. After a lot of babbling I managed to tell her everything, she listened very carefully, and then she said that she felt something for me!!! But she wasn’t sure if she wanted anything to happen between us, so she said she’d think about it and get back to me. Now I’m really frightened!! The suspense is killing me!! So much so that I’m not gonna write anymore until she makes her decision, I don’t think I could take writing a day by day account of scary!      

Sophie made her decision. We were in my bedroom, I was talking about something, and we had another one of those ‘moments’ only this time she did kiss me!!  And then she apologised for keeping me waiting, and she said she wanted us to be together!!!!! This is really great and I’m so uber happy!! But also things are gonna be risky, were staying in the same house as my Mother, what if she comes into my room unannounced and sees us all with the kissyness?  Oh this is so scary and so incredibly good!!!

I told Joey about me and Sophie, he was really pleased for us! I’m glad he’s ok with it, cos I didn’t want any crazy awkwardness. I think we’re gonna wait a while before we tell anyone else, it’s only been a day, but everything seems so right, I just know it’s all gonna be permanent, yup permanent bliss. 

Me and Sophie spent the entire day cuddling and talking, my brother kept trying to bother us, but I kept him away, I just told my Mother that Sophie was having some problems, so she needed to stay out of the way and needed to be looked after, I think my Mother partly knows what’s going on, but doesn’t wanna say anything in case she’s wrong, or maybe doesn’t wanna admit anything’s going on, her only daughter gay! That’s gotta make you go all denialy.  

We nearly got caught today, we were on a walk in what we thought was a secluded area, and I was just about to kiss her when I noticed my bother and his friends playing football on a nearby field! Oh my god this is getting crazy! Although I am enjoying the craziness slightly, is that weird?  Should I be being all morally correct and honest and stuff? I don’t think I could tell my Mother, I think after the summer I’ll tell her, we should wait until Sophie’s parents are back so we can tell them all on the same day. I’ll have to speak to Sophie about it, but she should be ok, eek! Can you believe all of this is happening?

My brother saw us! He told my Mother that we were holding hands!!! This is so not good, my Mother wants to speak to me tomorrow, and she’s told Sophie to take my brother to Chucky Cheese for a while.  This is it, I can’t think of an excuse for that! At least he didn’t see us kissing, I could pretend it was innocent, she might buy that. Sophie’s really worried, she feels terribly guilty, and she thinks everything is her fault. I gave her lots of hugs and told her that it wasn’t anybody’s fault and that we weren’t doing anything wrong. She seemed to feel better after that, but she’s still a little bit distant and contemplatey. I wish I could put everything right, I can’t stand to see her in pain.

My Mother must have asked me every question known to man! And I didn’t get a chance to answer any of them! She just kept talking and she convinced herself that nothing was wrong, I told her the truth, and she blamed it on Joey! In what way is anything Joey’s fault!? Then she said I was confused, and now she seems to have blocked the whole thing from her memory. Apart from the fact that Sophie and I aren’t allowed to be alone in my bedroom unless the door is open, and she’s put Daisy’s baby monitor in my room…how uberly creepy is that?  

Things are still kinda weird with my Mother; she’s taken the monitor out of my room, but she still checks on us 4 billion times a day…not literally. Sophie’s not coping very well, she wants to go and stay somewhere else, I knew my Mother would ruin this for me; she can’t stand me being happy. I’m going to loose Sophie over this I just know it, I would never ever forgive my Mother if Sophie left me because of her, Sophie actually loves me, my Mother just wants to control me.      

Everything is totally back to normal, Sophie’s feeling much better, and my Mother has stopped acting so crazy. The thing is she doesn’t seem to remember anything, she’s gone back to being weird about Joey and me, she’s always thought I was seeing him without telling her. I don’t understand how she can just block the entire thing from her memory, it’s so messy cos it means I’ll have to tell her again some day, and judging by her reaction this time, she won’t take it well.   

It’s the last day of a crazy month. Me and Sophie went on a walk through the forest, we had a picnic and everything! We fed the little duckies they were so sweet! Everything is so good at the moment, so what if my Mothers always gonna be weird, for once in my life I have found something that makes me happy. Ok so it’s a little weird, I’m still not 100% ok with everything yet, I’m seeing another girl for goodness sake! But it’s all good, cos she’s a wonderful girl. I still can’t believe someone loves me! I’ve always been little Jasmine; I’ve always been good for homework help, or listening to other peoples problems, But nobody ever listened to mine, everyone should have something special in their lives, and I’m so glad I’ve found it.

Hung out with Joey for the first time in ages, I didn’t realise how much I’d missed him until I saw him, he got the world’s biggest hug. I told him about everything that happened, and he told me a few interesting things. He’s found himself a girlfriend, but your never gonna believe who it is (pauses for dramatic effect) its Zoë!! That’s the schools fashiony bitch person! What’s he doing with her? He’s crazy! Well I couldn’t talk him out of it, so I’ve left him to make his own mistakes. I’ll pick up the pieces when it all comes crashing down, that’s the best friends job after all.

Its exactly 10 days until my birthday! I can’t wait! I’ll be 16, sweet 16!! Eek I’m so uber excited! Sorry I got kinda carried away there didn’t I?

Me and Sophie hung around with a girl named Saria today, isn’t that a pretty name? She seems really nice, now why can’t Joey date someone nice? (Sorry I’m just worried about him) she’s a little bit odd, she’s really really shy and quiet, and she doesn’t seem to know how to have fun. We went over to her house, her parents are awful! They kept ordering her around, in the end her parents made me and Sophie go home cos Saria had research to do before she starts high school, they shouldn’t push he so much, its no wonder Saria is as shy as she is.

Had an awful day, I had to ditch Joey! I felt so so bad about it afterwards but it had to be done. Him and Zoë came over to my house (not my choice) Zoë kept picking on me and Sophie, Joey had obviously told her that we were, well you know what I mean. She ended up making Sophie cry!!!! Poor Sophie, I made her feel better the best I could but Zoë just kept saying really mean things, and the worst part is that Joey seemed to be completely blind, like he couldn’t see what she was doing to Sophie. In the end we all went for a walk, and me and Sophie just left them in the woods, well I couldn’t just stick around and let her upset my Sophie could I?     

August 4^th 2001

I phoned Joey and apologised for yesterday, he was understandably upset, but I eventually talked him round. The bad part is he wants me, Sophie and Zoë to spend some time together ‘to get to know each other’ oh Saria’s god how insane is that? Zoë is evil! She will just upset Sophie again, and I won’t let that happen. So I said no, and now he isn’t speaking to me anymore. It’s mad, but there’s nothing I can do, maybe he’ll see sense by himself, I’m not happy about us falling out, but I can’t let his girlfriend hurt mine.

My Mother is crazy! She’s gotten a woman from work to set me up with her son; I have to go on a date with him tomorrow!!! I tried to tell her that I didn’t want a boyfriend, but she said it’s about time I started dating. So I have to go, Sophie said I should go and just try to put him off me, I can’t see him being interested anyway. It should be ok; at least Sophie isn’t upset about the whole thing. Joey and I still aren’t talking, I suppose it’s easier because it’s summer, if we were at school it would be uber uncomfortable.     

The date was kinda crazy, the boy’s name was Dustin, he was nice enough, he didn’t really wanna be there either, we both just kinda joked about the craziness of our parents the whole time, to spite all of the weirdness it was kinda fun, but I was still very pleased to get home and give Sophie thousands of cuddles and kisses, she missed me! Aw how sweet! I missed her too. Sophie said something that kinda shocked me when I got home, she said that when I turn 16 she wants us to, well you know (blushes) I’m kinda scared, I’m not gonna really know what I’m doing, I’m just afraid I’ll disappoint her. I’ve done loads of research about it, but putting what I’ve learned into practice is kinda scary. She said she wasn’t gonna make me do anything I don’t want to do, but I do want to, but I don’t, I know I’m confusing aren’t I? Eek!!!

Nothing really to report today, I still haven’t heard anything from Joey, we’ve normally made up by now, I guess I just have to wait for the him and Zoë thing to fizzle out, I miss him though, he’s my best friend, I just wanna talk to him like normal again. We start high school on the 3^rd of September, I’m really scared, I just have a feeling that everyone will find out about me and Sophie, and they’ll pick on us, and Sophie’ll get upset again, I don’t want that to happen, I just feel like I have to protect her, I really should buy a baseball bat or something, and a bodyguards uniform, then nobody would mess with my girl.

Joey came over today, he said that he wasn’t happy about Zoë and me not getting along, but he understands that Zoë can be difficult, that’s the understatement of the century, but I just left it, its not really any of my business, I’m just glad to have my best friend back, of course I want to protect him, save him from the evil Zoë, but he’ll just have to learn on his own. In the mean time he said he’ll keep Zoë well away from me and Sophie, he’ll only come over to my house when he’s on his own.

Joey and Sophie have arranged for me to have a birthday party at Joey’s house!!!!! I’ve never had a party before, but I’ve always wanted one. My Mother has never been good with that stuff, my birthdays always consisted of me and Joey in my bedroom talking about how crappy my birthdays are, I didn’t really mind, birthdays aren’t really that important anyway, but it’s still really really nice of them to do this for me. I’m still kinda terrified about Sophie’s request, I so wish you were a talking diary so you could tell me what to do, gosh that would be surreal, me taking advice from my talking diary. I just don’t know what to do! I’ll be old enough, and I do love her, but it’s all a bit soon, its only been 2 weeks and 4 days (I counted, so shoot me) maybe I’ll just ask her to wait, just for a little while.

Spoke to Sophie, she said that if I wasn’t ready it was ok, I’m glad she’s so understanding, I would hate for us to break up over such a small thing, well not really a small thing, it’s a big deal, but you know what I mean, do you know what I mean? Why did I actually expect you to answer me? I really am going crazy. I’m getting kinda worried about the party, Joey asked me if I wanted any…dancers…I have no idea what he’s planning, but I have images of his living room set out in two halves, one half (Sophie’s) being all neatly set out with sandwiches and stuff, and Joey’s half being all…dancer filled. It’s going to be an interesting night to say the least.

It’s my birthday tomorrow!! Eek! I cant wait, I’m spending the early morning with my Mother and Tommy, then when Sophie wakes up we’re going to spend some time together, then later we’re going to Joey’s for the party! I wonder who’s gonna be there, I invited Saria, and Sophie invited her twin brother Mark, Zoë isn’t invited, so I’m guessing the rest of the people are just gonna be random. I know it’s such a shallow thing to say but, I wonder what my mothers bought me, she’s never been one for big prezzies, but you never know, sixteenth birthdays are a big deal.

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to Jasmine, Happy birthday to me!

So far the days been pretty cool, I’ll write again after the party. My mother got me lots of makeup and “the little book of dating” she’s trying to make me girly I guess, sorry mother it isn’t gonna happen (folds arms defiantly) Sophie’s present was beautiful!!!!! I didn’t expect her to get me anything cos she co-organised the party, but she got me a locket, and she put a picture of me and her inside, I nearly cried when I saw it, I’m such a softy. I’m gonna wear it all the time! I still don’t know what else I’m going to wear tonight, all of my clothes are kinda, not dressy, I don’t have any special clothes, I got some birthday money off my granddad through the mail, so I guess I could drag Sophie out shopping before the party.

The party was really good!! It was definitely a Jasmine party, I’ve got to admit I was a little surprised that they did so well, I was expecting Joey to put something weird in the mix, or play Kate Bush music (I have a slight phobia of her for some reason, possessed mime!!!) but it all went well, Joey did embarrass me and Sophie slightly. He put “under your spell” on the stereo and dedicated it to me and Sophie so we could slow dance, icky! But still it was kinda romantic. I’m gonna go to sleep now, its really late, the party went on until midnight; I don’t normally stay up so late. Goodnight.

I got the best present in the world last night, I went to bed after my last entry, and my mother came into mine and Sophie’s room soon afterwards. She put the light on and told us both to listen to her, she said that she knows were still together, and that were genuine, and she says that although she’s having trouble accepting it, she wants to get to know Sophie properly, and she says she’s ok for us to see each other. Oh my god!!!!!!! This means that me and Sophie can be totally open!!! This is great! There is one bad thing though, my mother wants us to sit down for a proper meal tomorrow, Tommy’s sleeping over at his friends, she’s probably gonna be judging everything Sophie says or does, its gonna be really uncomfortable for everyone, but it’ll be worth it if she’ll finally give us her blessing.

Dinner was weird, my mother used all of the special china, it seemed so odd because Sophie has been living with us since the beginning of the summer and yet she’s only just decided to get to know her. Sophie did really well, she was so polite! My mother thinks she’s a bit quiet, but she said she understands that she was nervous. My mothers still a bit upset cos she has to try and explain this whole thing to Tommy when he comes home tomorrow, can you imagine explaining that to a 11 year old?! 

My little brother is currently downstairs asking incredibly awkward questions about me and Sophie, my mother is trying her best to explain, but Tommy being Tommy he isn’t making it easy. For the first time in my life I actually like my mother, I mean I always loved her, but I never liked her as a person, she was mean, she loved Tommy more than me, she accused me of being lazy and praised Tommy for things that he should be doing anyway, and time and time again she left me looking after Daisy (my one year old sister) but now she seems to have pretty much changed over night, now that’s she’s ok with me and Sophie it seems like she’s ok with everything else to, finally I have a proper mother, its nice that she doesn’t hate me, I guess all of this badness has been for nothing.

So there you go, I know life can often be hard, I have experienced my fair share of crappyness, but it’s not all bad, even if you think the world is against you there’s always a silver lining, and after a while you’ll always realise that things were never as messed up as you thought. Join me next time when I write the next part of my dairy, if this was just one summer can you imagine what my high school life will be like? See you soon (waves)