Two Anacreontics because I din't think we see enough of them these days.
ANACREONTIC I
Drink, for God's sake. 'til you fall.
Fall we must, fall one and all.
Sup the vine and grasp the flesh,
Drunkards roar, Don Juans caress,
Guiltless warmth, nothing worse.
Man was born to such cruel curse.
Lay your sweet lips on my lap,
Whilst awaiting life's Life's last laugh.
No-one flees the clutch of time:
Sup the flesh, embrace the vine.
ANACREONTIC II
Who's to say you lived this life?
All are silent in the tomb.
Roar your name to Heaven's strife,
Silence has its day too soon.
Drain the blood from Bacchus' vine,
All are sober in the grave.
Precious breath and ebbing time
Urge you to that which you crave.
Make love in the pouring rain,
Tearing at your lover's flesh;
Never may you love again,
Nor your lover taste so fresh.
Let the satyrs lead the dance
What can there be left to rue?
Choke on wine, embrace romance,
Who's to say you lived but you?
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Written by Keller (21 comments posted) 26th February 2008 |
I love playing around with different forms of poetry, there aren't enough people writing in the stricter forms anymore (I personally love to write in iambic pentameter when I'm feeling intelligent!)
I love the first, but felt some of the lines in the second were a little clumsy and didn't flow as well as in the first. Sticking to syllable restrictions is tough work, but it's clear you've not fallen into the 'just put anything in just so that it fits' trap - good work! |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (749 comments posted) 26th February 2008 |
I actually liked the second one better but only because there are two words where the stress doesn't seem to fall perfectly in the first one - on "lovers" and "moment".
However as patterjack reminds me, if the verse is too slick it will sound "tumpty tum".
Well, the sentiments are clear and endorseable - you are gathering rosebuds while you may!
The "tearing at your lover's flesh" was a bit rough for me, but, it's your poem!
I have no idea what an anachreontic is but will now go and look it up. |
Thanks
Written by Brett (983 comments posted) 26th February 2008 |
Thanks Veronica. Anacreon was a Greek poet, unfortunately none of his original writings exist. But the spirit of Anacreontics is to remind us that life is too brief and we should celebrate both the vine and the flesh.
As for the stress - all Anacreontics (from what I have read) are to be written trochaic, so I agree that I have been sloppy in lover and moment. I'm even beginning to think of 'Innocent warmth', can 'Innocent' be read as one trochaic foot?
Much appreciated Veronica. All the best.
Brett |
Props
Written by Matthiasrising (37 comments posted) 26th February 2008 |
I have to say, this is one of the best I've read here of the recent entries. A very good use of rhyme and syllable. And I liked the line "tearing at your lover's flesh," it is vivid and wild.
Write more like this, but on a different topic, other than love and the vine. |
Syllable stress and quantity
Written by patterjack (1433 comments posted) 26th February 2008 |
As far as I can work out the whole idea of anacreontics in English at least was just to use a particular number of syllables , and forget about quantity as one finds in Latin and Greek.
The trouble basically with the form is that after you have written one or two technically correct anacreontics in dealing with love and the vine the sentiments become fairly trite-- pop song stuff.
These were per se good efforts but ... erm ...lips on my lap ? or is it my dirty mind ?
patterjack |
Verse. Or worse?
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 27th February 2008 |
I must say I can't get exercised over poet's pedantic pedantry even if it does make so many wet their pants with excitement. To me a poem is either good, bad or indifferent; and so much depends on how well you communicate in the medium of constraint.
I thought this was OK in a pedestrian sort of way and certainly tried hard. Its just that it lacked that indefinable something that transports verse into splendid and arresting expression. I think, in a word, it lacks eloquence. Indeed effortless, understated eloquence that makes the difference between the poet and the rhymster. Bit plodding. I got the feeling I could get more of a rise out of a flat tyre. I would try forgetting about fancy, flash formulations and concentrate on what you want to say.
Slan! |
Written by Toad (106 comments posted) 27th February 2008 |
To go one step further on Patterjack's comment on the innuendo... those lines set up the vine to = phallic symbol, even though I think it was intended to be a more innocent homage to wine.
I preferred the first piece, and agree that the form would quickly exhaust itself in the hands of any single author. |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 27th February 2008 |
I'm still not much the wiser as to what an anacreotonic is (and if I'm honest, I'm not hugely eager to know more, sorry)and so can't comment on your adherence to the rule.
It's seems as if the main concern is the form / style and the content / substance is of less consequence.
It's well put together (bar the odd awkward line -e.g. 'Urge you to that which you crave')but I don't sense any strength of passion ....it doesn't get to me.
Part of the problem, for me, (and I've suggested this in a comment before) is that it sounds like something written several hundred years ago or even millenia. Or, possibly something written for a historical play (which may be your intended direction).
I'm not suggesting you should write an anacreotonic about alcopops or the contemporary problems of youth intoxicated crime (though that would be fun to read)....your themes are timeless, it's just you've chosen to dress them in period costume and by doing such, render them a little staid.
Having said all that...I must say I enjoy the variety of contributions on this site and I am particularly intrigued by your offerings...just a little bemused too... |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 27th February 2008 |
| Ooops, just read your reaction to one of my previous comments ('A failure of sonnet'?). Again, no offence intended..just giving my honest opinion. |
Lips on laps
Written by Brett (983 comments posted) 27th February 2008 |
No, Patterjack, it is not just your dirty mind but mine also.
And Toad, don't doubt your instinct - the vine is to be seen as phallic.
Gerard, thank you for your enthusiasm, all criticism has been duly noted. I agree it certainly lacks that indefinable something that transports verse into splendid and arresting expression, but be fair on us beginners, mate - I'm a Welsh steel fabricator not Keats.
Sorry, Matthius, almost forgot you. Thank you very much, I think I shall try more in this metre but taking a different subject. Have you read Dylan Thomas' 'In My Craft Or Sullen Art'?
Thanks for all of your comments, much appreciated.
Cheers
Brett |
Nathan, how could I forget you
Written by Brett (983 comments posted) 27th February 2008 |
Sorry. I think I'm right in saying, Nathan, that you are the only person honest enough to point out the one line that I was not comfortable about - 'Urge you...'
I like your comment that I seem to have dressed my writing in period costume, however I much less like the image that this invokes - that my writing is reminiscient of Dame Judi Dench's cleavage.
My problem may be that I sometimes find people, and not just writers, trying to be too original - 'everything has to be new.' If we lose sight of the building blocks we end up with a mess. But then I like old cinema, old music, old whisky, older women. I'm sure with effort I may drag myself into this century, but I like a to take the scenic route.
Thanks for your comments, Nathan, and if you go back to my Failure at a Sonnet you will see that no offence has been taken at all; criticism is what we are logged on for.
Cheers
Brett |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 27th February 2008 |
Thanks Brett! I did think you'd left me out on purpose for a moment -what a paranoid soul I am!
Now, if I'd only been original enough to compare your work to Dame Dench's bosum in the first place things would've been sweet. Not sure what your problem with her is though...not old enough?
I think I'd go for a well seasoned blend of originality and tradition. Oak flavoured alcopops by the fireside, ahhh... |
Thomas eh ?
Written by patterjack (1433 comments posted) 27th February 2008 |
The great Thomas poem for me will always be
A refusal to mourn the death by fire of a child in London
patterjack |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (749 comments posted) 27th February 2008 |
"a jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou" said Omar.
Would the blessed Khayyam be as eloquent with an alcopop and a tube of Pringles? A virtual PRIZE for anyone who can pull that off. I might have to have a go myself.
Dylan Thomas keeps coming up in various references. I must get a bookful of his work and read it all.
I liked these poems but agree that I didn't quite feel the wistfulness of life's fleeting pleasures. |
Written by patterjack (1433 comments posted) 27th February 2008 |
a jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou
To which I can only say -- Pass the thou
( not alas an original of mine -- wish it were ! )
patterjack |
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