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By Magpie
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14 October 2005 |
The muse came down and sat upon my shoulder. "Sing!" she said. "Too busy," I said. "It's not a request," she said. "It's an order." I covered my ears with my hands and
Hummed. She
Slipped between my fingers and into my brain.
I hardened my mind.
The pathways calcified. I
Trapped her between the membranes of ice.
She tried to sing but her voice was muffled. If I let her out now, I think she might kill me. |
Written by dylangrrl (4 comments posted) 14th October 2005 | I really like this piece. My only issue is in the third stanza with 'calcified' and 'membrances of ice'. I like calcified, but that would be membrances of bone instead. It seems like you are insinuating that calcification involves freezing.
This reminds me of a poem we read in college and I can't find the author, but the text is below.
TONGUE
Inadvertantly I passed the border of her teeth and swallowed her agile tongue. It lives inside me now, like a Japanese fish. It brushes against my heart and my diaphragm as if against the walls of an aquarium. It stirs silt from the bottom.
She whom I deprived of a voice stares at me with big eyes and waits for a word.
Yet I do not know which tongue to use when speaking to her -- the stolen one or the one which melts in my mouth from an excess of heavy goodness.
| Thanks
Written by Magpie (11 comments posted) 14th October 2005 | Thanks for the review, dylangrrl.
I take your point about the calcification and the ice. I was playing fast and loose with the imagery a bit there. It was fun in my head but I can see that it would jar with a reader.
| The Muse
Written by Rattle_Spear (93 comments posted) 14th October 2005 | I would stick to your original text.
Otherwise the poem would not be unique (to you).
The real world is sometimes confusing, I must add.
Thanks for sharing it with us.
Bill  |
Written by Missinginaction (37 comments posted) 29th October 2005 | I like the idea of mental conversation with anything or anybody and it worked very well here. Maybe you don't need line 5 ? Without it I think you get a bit more transaction going on with the reader. Good stuff.
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Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 9th November 2005 | | Ooooooh yes, this is good! Its shortness and simplicity give it a really strong feel, and that last line is brilliant. Personally I like the dialogue; being creative sometimes does seem to be a bit of a power struggle and I think you capture this magnificently. |
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