This, to me, was an extremely difficult sonnet to write because it has very strict guidelines. I read somewhere that the Italian poet Petrach wrote sonnets to his lady-love (not his wife) and that these sonnets, therefore, were to women. What more important woman can anyone have but his/her mother, so mine is dedicated to all mothers on this day. I hope you like it. Of the various endings, I chose the rhyming pattern cde cde for the closing six lines, as you can see. I believe Shakespeare found this very strict structure too much and his own sonnets are a little freer. If anyone wants to comment on this, please do so.
You can find out about Petrarchan sonnets here:
http://www.forwardpress.co.uk/04_workshop/workshop_09.htm
Strong arms that lift, sweet lips that gently smile –
Caressing fingers stroke my baby face.
Whilst I find comfort in your warm embrace,
Stay with me, Mother dear, for just a while.
The cheating years have passed with stealth and guile.
Old age is something no-one can embrace.
Allow me Mother dear to take your place
It’s now my turn to give you things worthwhile.
Accept the love that you first gave to me.
Accept from me my patience and my time;
Affection, kindness, love so freely given.
Forbearance, love - these blessed gifts are free;
They topped your list, now gladly they top mine.
Past anger gone; all hasty words forgiven.
Copyright 2008 |
Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 2nd March 2008 | It seems like a perfectly good sonnet, Josie. Others with greater technical knowledge will be able to comment in more detail than I. (Although I always stumble on three syllable words in this format.)
I feel a little mean spirited about this one. The sentiments are lovely, and yet I can't identify. While I love the memory of my mother, I can't subscribe to this idealised view. That's just my life experience, I suppose - and it's what, I suppose, is stopping me connecting.
Not a criticism - just a very personal response. I'm certain others will see this very differently.
Phil |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (603 comments posted) 2nd March 2008 | | I love it, Josie. If only mother's day cards carried any sentiment so beautifully expressed! And it seems like a really interesting verse form to try out, I will think of something to do with the Petrarchan, thanks for bringing it to my notice. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 2nd March 2008 | An interesting stucture, here, and the rhyming scheme was a bit odd for me; quite subtle but I'm sure proper poets would appreciate it.
I,too,thought the strength of this lay in the expression of sentiment. A very complex sentiment expressed with such simplicity and beauty.
Some of the lines were so loaded with emotive power that I was really moved by them. For instance
"The cheating years have passed with stealth and guile"
This was such a succinct line that expressed so much . I tried to say something similar recently but realise how clumsy it was, now. There is no guile or artifice just honest expression. Well done.
And now I know about Petrachian verse .Perhaps in years to come we may learn about Whiteheadian verse, I dont know why but it all seems set now.
Jane |
Written by Josie (2780 comments posted) 2nd March 2008 | Thank you all for your reviews. I hope that I've put over many things to think about regarding mothers. Firstly, how she first relates to her baby. The strong arms followed by the smiling face, for the baby responds to smiles. Then I say that babies need their mothers to stay with them and it is during this time that the bond grows. Then as the years progress, the role reverses and older people also begin to feel the need of their families. The role reverses. All too often hasty words are said both with children and the old, but the forgiveness should be there. The years pass quickly? Yes. I don't feel any different with my grandchildren than with my daughter at their age. It seems that yesterday hasn't gone - but that's not true, of course.
Petrarchan sonnets:
Iambic pentameter: ie 5 stressed beats per line.
Rhyming: abba abba and I used cde cde for concluding lines. Very strict structure, and a very difficult poem to write. Try one yourself and see. | Shakespearean version
Written by fellpony (1603 comments posted) 2nd March 2008 | | http://www.greatwriting.co.uk/content/view/7820/78/ ... rather than reposting it from last year. | I think it needs to be pointed out
Written by patterjack (1179 comments posted) 3rd March 2008 | ..that iambic pentameter as a form contains TWO elements iambic and pentameter
Like love and marriage in the song |
Written by Fledermaus (3246 comments posted) 3rd March 2008 | Very good indeed. Gentle descriptions, carefully worked out and with a clear style.
This is how it should be... | Yes, thank you Patterjack
Written by Josie (2780 comments posted) 4th March 2008 | I will get this going as a new topic for the Poets' Tavern because it is a difficult subject, and also the difference between a Petrarchan Sonnet and an Elizabethan or Shakespearean Sonnet. This is definitely a Petrarchan sonnet which differs, especially in its rhyming form: ie abab abab and then cde cde. It is easy to remember how an iamb is formed by saying: I-AM I-AM etc with emphasis on the AM. Five such counts = a pentameter. I do believe that I have achieved this in my sonnet.
Strong arms that lift, sweet lips that gently smile –
The emphasis is on arms, lift, lips, gent-- and smile.
Counted, this makes five iambs which equals pentameter. Yes, both are needed in a sonnet. Quite right.
| To Fellpony
Written by Josie (2780 comments posted) 4th March 2008 | | Sue, I overlooked a reply to yours. I visited your sonnet both when you wrote it and again today. It is truly excellent and clearly defines the difference between the Petrarchan sonnet and the Shakespearean sonnet. An excellent example. It also looks at "mothers" from another view. Grandmothers are also important to grandchildren, but we mustn't ask for another day to be commercialized, for "granny's day" is every day and that goes for grandfathers also, naturally. I hope we'll get everyone into the mood for trying sonnets. Many have done so very successfully and it's great to see the work done on GW. Thanks for this website! | but
Written by patterjack (1179 comments posted) 4th March 2008 | I cannot see an iamb in patience nor yet intopping
There are other trochees too.
patterjack |
Written by Josie (2780 comments posted) 4th March 2008 | You would have to put the emphasis on patIENCE
ie: PaTIENCE and LOVE - these BLESSed GIFTS are FREE
and also with the line starting Topping:
eg: ToppING your LIST and GLADly TOPPing mine
These stresses are incorrect, as I can see. It is not normal, in English to emphasise these things. This is the difficulty of poetry and why I chose the book I did to work through. I had never noticed our own stresses on different parts of words in English before, but in poetry writing, they are what make the difference between poetry and prose. English poetry lays itself open to rhythmic writing.
I wrote this poem last year when I had never learnt anything at all about iambic feet. It was not bad, I suppose, but I could now go back over it and check every detailed sound, knowing more than I did then, and I think it is good for all writers to get help and improve their work in this way. Thanks Patterjack.
To change patience into a true iambic foot, I could substitute the word patience to "forbearance" and omit the "and", substituting the "ance" for it: ie:
Forbearance, love - these blessed gifts are free.
And for the next line:
It topped your list, now gladly it tops mine
It TOPPed your LIST now GLADly IT tops MINE.
This is indeed much better and I will change it.
I hope that this sort of work can be done in our workshops because, for me, this is exactly the sort of help I need. It is indeed difficult to see for yourself where you have gone wrong. It needs someone away from your work to give you help. Thank you. I will change this in the sonnet if you feel this is much better.
I hope the sort of help I have had on this sonnet will open the ideas of other writers of poetry to the fact that it is not a matter of putting prose onto paper with broken up lines. Poetry is special. |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
